I'm ok.

I'm really, really, really, sorry you were worried Zion.  There's no excuse for me just dropping off the planet like that.

I wanted to try.  I wanted to start over: new city = new life = new psyche.  I was afraid if I even touched on any of my old sites, I'd get sucked back in and all would be lost.

Truth is, you can't get sucked back in if you're still where you were, because you're already there.

I never really said goodbye to my eating disorder, it just slumbered for a little while.  And now that I'm so tired, tired from the move, tired from work, tired from being the new girl every fucking second, now the eating disorder has woken up.  And woken up hungry.

ugh

So, as i said before, i don't want my h to find out that i'm leaving because he can really hold up the divorce if he wants to.  so, i can't give notice at the gym i work at because he goes there and i don't want anyone to say anything to him.  you can tell people all you want to keep things to themselves, but you know that never happens.  so, i have to act like i haven't gotten the job yet.  people keep asking me and i HATE lying.  i feel like a piece of crap.

i'm not taking a moving van or u-haul or anything, i'm basically ditching all my furniture and just taking my clothes.  part of the problem is my h wants some of the stuff that's in the apt, and i can't tell him i'm leaving so he should come and get it, so that is all up in the air.

this is getting more stressful than i thought it would.

whoa it's been ages

almost a month since i updated???  really??

things are ok....i got the job in san diego :) so i'm going to be moving out there in a few weeks.  i'm trying to wrap up the paperwork for the divorce, but my H isn't being very cooperative (shocker!!).  he doesn't know i'm moving yet, my attorney is hoping that he'll sign off before i tell him, if he knows i need to move he can really make things difficult for me.

i'm freaking out about the move, i have no idea how i'm going to swing this.

sunday

I went to San Diego last week and had my interview.  It was long, I was there for 2.5 hours.  She said she would let me know within a month.  I certainly hope so, because in a month I'll be unemployed.

I got a new divorce lawyer, a really experienced one.  She filed the papers the day I hired her so I've officially begun the divorce process.  I have to take out a loan to pay her, but I'm thinking it will be worth it to finally put this behind me.

Happy New Year!

The problem with not updating as often as i should, is that there accumulates so many events that the thought of updating gets too overwhelming.

The big things are:

1. I got a divorce lawyer.  She's a friend of mine, which I was hesitant to do, but I trust her, and honestly I didn't trust any of the other lawyers I met with.  I trust that she'll do a good job, and that she won't try to scam me.  My H is harassing her, which I feel really bad about, this is probably not what she signed up for.  He is writing her all these emails about my mental problems.  I told her (most of) the truth.  It just kills me that while my H and I were together he would threaten me every time I made noise about wanting to end the marriage; he would threaten that he would tell EVERYONE what a psycho I am.  That fear is partly why I was unable to leave for so long.  And now he's actually doing it, and it is stressing me out so much.

2.  I had a telephone interview with a judge last week, and it went really well.  So well, that she invited me to come for an in person interview!  Where is this job, you ask?  San Diego, CA!!  I'm really excited to go, and I'm really excited at the prospect of moving and getting a fresh start somewhere.  I really really hope I get it!

3.  I am sick.  The weather keeps changing from mild to really cold, back to mild.  I can't shake this cold/flu/sinus infection crappiness that's been hanging on.

4.  I've been thinking about new year's resolutions.  I really need to lose ten more pounds, especially if I'm going to be moving, I want to make a good first impression.  I also want to stress less, I need to be able to compartamentalize and put things out of my mind because worrying does nothing.  I'm just not sure how to do that.

5.  My dad and his fiance set a wedding date.  *gag*

That's it, for the most part.  Happy New Year!

sunday

last week was nuts.  i applied so many places, and i had an interview, this one is for a firm in town.  the interview went well, but they low-balled me on salary.  i told them my number, so we'll see if they come back.

i also met with a divorce attorney, who was a real jackass.  no wonder people hate lawyers.  he knew i was a lawyer yet STILL tried to take advantage of me.  see ya later, jackass.

Eating has been all over the place.  One day is 200 calories, next is 1800.  i was dropping pretty well, but i have put a couple back on.  and i have not been working out besides teaching my classes.  i signed on to do a 77.7 mile relay in april, so i need to get back into running.

Lifetime is airing this series called "Starving Secrets" about people with eating disorders, Tracy Gold is trying to help them.  i would have been all over that show a few years ago, i was obsessed with anything and everything ED, anything i could use as a trigger.  now, i tried to watch it and i can't.  it just seemed so exploitative.  even though Tracy is known for having an ED, it just seemed so contrived.   She's not trying to help people, she's putting on a damn TV show.

don't need help with being triggered anyway.

sooo tired

this week has been such a roller coaster.  i'm sorry i haven't been updating.  i was interviewing for a job that if i got i was going to have to start Dec 19th - in Florida!!!  I was freaking out about having to move to FL in under 2 weeks.  Plus my H was kicking up his shit again.  i wish i didn't get so stressed out...i didn't sleep for three days because i was worrying so much, and when that happens i pretty much walk around constantly in tears, which makes me pretty useless.

but i didn't get the job, and i decided before i heard that if i did get it i would turn in down.  once i got to that point i was able to calm down a little, but just getting to decisions like that makes me lose my mind.

there's a judge in san diego that's interested for a job that starts in march...and i have an interview at a firm in town next week...those i could handle.