I'm ok.

I'm really, really, really, sorry you were worried Zion.  There's no excuse for me just dropping off the planet like that.

I wanted to try.  I wanted to start over: new city = new life = new psyche.  I was afraid if I even touched on any of my old sites, I'd get sucked back in and all would be lost.

Truth is, you can't get sucked back in if you're still where you were, because you're already there.

I never really said goodbye to my eating disorder, it just slumbered for a little while.  And now that I'm so tired, tired from the move, tired from work, tired from being the new girl every fucking second, now the eating disorder has woken up.  And woken up hungry.

ugh

So, as i said before, i don't want my h to find out that i'm leaving because he can really hold up the divorce if he wants to.  so, i can't give notice at the gym i work at because he goes there and i don't want anyone to say anything to him.  you can tell people all you want to keep things to themselves, but you know that never happens.  so, i have to act like i haven't gotten the job yet.  people keep asking me and i HATE lying.  i feel like a piece of crap.

i'm not taking a moving van or u-haul or anything, i'm basically ditching all my furniture and just taking my clothes.  part of the problem is my h wants some of the stuff that's in the apt, and i can't tell him i'm leaving so he should come and get it, so that is all up in the air.

this is getting more stressful than i thought it would.

whoa it's been ages

almost a month since i updated???  really??

things are ok....i got the job in san diego :) so i'm going to be moving out there in a few weeks.  i'm trying to wrap up the paperwork for the divorce, but my H isn't being very cooperative (shocker!!).  he doesn't know i'm moving yet, my attorney is hoping that he'll sign off before i tell him, if he knows i need to move he can really make things difficult for me.

i'm freaking out about the move, i have no idea how i'm going to swing this.

sunday

I went to San Diego last week and had my interview.  It was long, I was there for 2.5 hours.  She said she would let me know within a month.  I certainly hope so, because in a month I'll be unemployed.

I got a new divorce lawyer, a really experienced one.  She filed the papers the day I hired her so I've officially begun the divorce process.  I have to take out a loan to pay her, but I'm thinking it will be worth it to finally put this behind me.

Happy New Year!

The problem with not updating as often as i should, is that there accumulates so many events that the thought of updating gets too overwhelming.

The big things are:

1. I got a divorce lawyer.  She's a friend of mine, which I was hesitant to do, but I trust her, and honestly I didn't trust any of the other lawyers I met with.  I trust that she'll do a good job, and that she won't try to scam me.  My H is harassing her, which I feel really bad about, this is probably not what she signed up for.  He is writing her all these emails about my mental problems.  I told her (most of) the truth.  It just kills me that while my H and I were together he would threaten me every time I made noise about wanting to end the marriage; he would threaten that he would tell EVERYONE what a psycho I am.  That fear is partly why I was unable to leave for so long.  And now he's actually doing it, and it is stressing me out so much.

2.  I had a telephone interview with a judge last week, and it went really well.  So well, that she invited me to come for an in person interview!  Where is this job, you ask?  San Diego, CA!!  I'm really excited to go, and I'm really excited at the prospect of moving and getting a fresh start somewhere.  I really really hope I get it!

3.  I am sick.  The weather keeps changing from mild to really cold, back to mild.  I can't shake this cold/flu/sinus infection crappiness that's been hanging on.

4.  I've been thinking about new year's resolutions.  I really need to lose ten more pounds, especially if I'm going to be moving, I want to make a good first impression.  I also want to stress less, I need to be able to compartamentalize and put things out of my mind because worrying does nothing.  I'm just not sure how to do that.

5.  My dad and his fiance set a wedding date.  *gag*

That's it, for the most part.  Happy New Year!

sunday

last week was nuts.  i applied so many places, and i had an interview, this one is for a firm in town.  the interview went well, but they low-balled me on salary.  i told them my number, so we'll see if they come back.

i also met with a divorce attorney, who was a real jackass.  no wonder people hate lawyers.  he knew i was a lawyer yet STILL tried to take advantage of me.  see ya later, jackass.

Eating has been all over the place.  One day is 200 calories, next is 1800.  i was dropping pretty well, but i have put a couple back on.  and i have not been working out besides teaching my classes.  i signed on to do a 77.7 mile relay in april, so i need to get back into running.

Lifetime is airing this series called "Starving Secrets" about people with eating disorders, Tracy Gold is trying to help them.  i would have been all over that show a few years ago, i was obsessed with anything and everything ED, anything i could use as a trigger.  now, i tried to watch it and i can't.  it just seemed so exploitative.  even though Tracy is known for having an ED, it just seemed so contrived.   She's not trying to help people, she's putting on a damn TV show.

don't need help with being triggered anyway.

sooo tired

this week has been such a roller coaster.  i'm sorry i haven't been updating.  i was interviewing for a job that if i got i was going to have to start Dec 19th - in Florida!!!  I was freaking out about having to move to FL in under 2 weeks.  Plus my H was kicking up his shit again.  i wish i didn't get so stressed out...i didn't sleep for three days because i was worrying so much, and when that happens i pretty much walk around constantly in tears, which makes me pretty useless.

but i didn't get the job, and i decided before i heard that if i did get it i would turn in down.  once i got to that point i was able to calm down a little, but just getting to decisions like that makes me lose my mind.

there's a judge in san diego that's interested for a job that starts in march...and i have an interview at a firm in town next week...those i could handle.

how easy to forget..

i was feeling very strange today, and i couldn't figure out why.  kinda sick, but not too bad, just weird.  then it occured to me...am i....hungry??  i couldn't recognize the feeling, lol.  that always happens, but i don't remember it happening this soon.

i'm going to start up the daily exercises again. 3 60 second planks a day.  zion, don't worry about doing this if you've got other stuff going on...i just finally feel up to trying them and testing my shoulder out.

tuesday

still working the no appetite.  i taught my class yesterday and i could barely breathe and had no energy.  oh well, i don't have to teach again until sunday, so don't need to worry about it for awhile.

i actually bought lunch today.  i put it in front of me, and all of a sudden didn't want it anymore.  i choked down three bites because i hated wasting the money, but i really had to force it.

down 6 pounds from this time last week.

the judge is being so sweet trying to find me a spot somewhere, he's making a ton of calls and writing letters.  i feel really bad for the other clerk though, the new judge is keeping her, yet she can't really enjoy it because i'm in a tough spot, and people are really focused on helping me, and not celebrating her joy.  i know she feels neglected and left out, and i've told her i'm really happy for her (and i am), i don't know what else i can do so she doesn't resent me for ruining her happy news.  although i can't control her resentment, of course.  she's just such a nice person who has helped me so much, and i hate that she's sad.

fuck yeah

i've lost five pounds since my last post on Wednesday.  Fuck yeah.

i need to use this

i need to use this stress...use this anxiety and depression.  i don't want to eat, so i won't.  i need to get something out of these horrid feelings, might as well get some weight loss.

:(

i talked to the new judge today.  she will not be keeping me and i will be unemployed in feb.

job update

food yesterday:

oatmeal
apple with slice of cheese
hummus and pita
slice pizza
mini drumstick ice cream cone

i had an interview with the new judge on wednesday.  it went ok, basically it's going to come down between me and a person that she might want to bring in with her.  i really don't want to be unemployed, there's so much else going on, i don't want to be freaking out about getting a job.  she said she would let us know by the middle of december, which is way too far away.

in other news, i feel enormous.  my shoulder feels ready to do a little weightlifting, so i'm going to come up with a new schedule.

beat

i've gotten home after 10pm every night this week - so sorry, but have been too exhausted to update.  i've kept up the veg diet, which is good.  what's bad is i've met a friend for lunch and for dinner every day this week, and will again tomorrow.  this is the only way i can see my friends, but i have to think of a cheaper and less calorie involved alternative.

my parents' divorce is official, after it being dragged out for three years.  my dad emailed me tuesday eve that the divorce was final, and emailed me wednesday morning that he was engaged to his girlfriend.  Ugh.  i emailed him back that it was pretty crappy of him to email me, and not call.  he called then and was so apologetic i felt bad for complaining.  but he really should have called.

i really do not want to be related in any way to this woman.

back from vacay

i am exhausted.  it was a great long weekend, but traveling just saps my energy.  i can't believe i have to go to work in the morning.

i went to atlantic city with three friends of mine (two are married to each other).  it was a great time!  i'm not going to bother to try and figure out food, safe to say i've gained weight.  i debated not going, because this trip was going to cost a lot of money and who knows if i'll be employed in three months...but i had saved for a bit and needed a "time out"  It was a celebration of three things for me: my wedding anti-anniversary, my birthday, and my 2 years of sobriety, all in november.  with all that going on, i felt like i deserved some time away.  i'm going to have to pay for it now, by scrimping down costs and saving every dime.

i've made a decision to take the first step and become a vegetarian.  so as of right now, i will not eat meat or fish.  First, i will work on no meat on my plate.  then i will start to winnow out meat sources that are found in other places....soups made with chicken stock, for example.  but first - the big step.  no meat on my plate.

going away

i'm heading out of town tomorrow for a mini-getaway.  i'll be back Monday- take care of yourselves!

whoops

i didn't realize i hadn't updated in so long, sorry!

eating wasn't great over the weekend.  i kept having random things, like buffalo wing dip for breakfast.  i'm just feeling all over the place.  i feel like i need to go all-in on some crazy diet, like macrobiotics, just to try and focus on some sort of plan and have someone else tell me what to eat.  because i just don't know, i open the fridge and stare inside and don't know what to have.  same thing when i go to the grocery store...i don't have food, so i go to the store and when i get there i don't know what to buy.

i tried to take a weightlifting class on saturday, as soon as my shoulder started to feel even a little tired, i dropped out of whatever exercise we were doing.  i am really freaked out about hurting it again.  but it is really very weak, there is a noticeable difference between my right and left sides.  ugh.

hmph

well, my boss talked to the new judge today.  he told me she is really leaning towards bringing someone with her and he is not optimistic that i will keep my job.  i really appreciate his honesty, but OMG what the hell am i going to do??

i had some soup - 180.  too anxious to eat.

tuesday

glad you're back zion!

i'm beat.  calories around 1500 today.  i went to a vegan cafe for dinner with a friend.  we got a bunch of plates and shared them, it was pretty tasty!!  gives me more confidence that maybe i could do the vegetarian thing...

weekend

i have been feeling very anxious lately.  all this uncertainty, between my work and my H and my shoulder, is making life very difficult.

my psychMD offered when he saw me to prescribe me some seroquel or some risperidone.  he is not big on medications, but he seemed concerned.  i refused them.  i used to be on a shitton of seroquel, like 600mg a day, back when i was in the hospital and for awhile thereafter (before i started seeing this guy).  it took me forever to get off of it, and i'm really not interested in going backward.

i cleaned out my bathroom last week and came across my stash.  five years worth of stockpiled medication.  i haven't touched any of it in years, but i still had it.  i debated whether or not to throw them away, and for some reason i could not part with them.  my doc says there's probably a part of me that is not ready to recover, and hanging on to the meds is a way to hang on to the sick part of me.  i didn't like hearing that, but it makes sense.

food:

Saturday:

oatmeal
small dish lo mein
salad with chickpeas and couscous
1/2 pint ben and jerry's


sunday:

oatmeal
cereal with soymilk
greek yogurt
chicken soup

taught classes yesterday and today, and will teach tomorrow night.  i will take tuesday to rest my shoulder, then if i feel ok i will do a light workout on wednesday.