birthday spankings

yep yep it's my birthday today.  i'm old enough to not tell people how old i am.

this has been a weird few weeks.  i have had my anniversary, my birthday and i'll have my AA anniversary soon.  and let me tell you, i feel kinda blah about all of it.  now, something you should know about me, is i'm usually such a sap for this kind of stuff, i mean i usually milk it all for all it's worth.  now?  i just want to hide and cry.

actually that's what i did last night.  i came home from work, said hi to my MIL (who is still here *growl*) and went into our bedroom, crawled under the covers and hid.  and cried.  for no reason - at least not for any reason i could think of.  i really hate it when my emotions make no sense.  except that's all the time.

i gave a verbal bitchslap to this douche at work.  he's another attorney and he has such an entitlement complex.  he was talking about people that work under me and he was all "well, they'll do whatever i TELL them to do" - and i said "No, they'll do whatever i ASK them to do" - this what at our monthly attorney meeting in front of our boss and all the other attorneys.  and now i'm stressing that my boss and co-workers think i'm an ultimate bitch.  whatever.  i almost don't have the energy to care, but only almost - i'm sure i'll stress about it when trying to sleep tonight.

food is going ok i guess - i'm doing the best i can, what with everyone wanting to go out and eat and whatnot for my birthday.  i feel almost resigned to have to refocus again on Sunday.  but then, i shouldn't have any more issues until Thanksgiving, which will not be that bad because i'll be preparing for trial and everyone will understand if i don't attend dinner or eat too much.

goals goals goals

Mondays are much easier to handle if i have some goals to think about:

1.  Get up at 6am and be to work before 7am.
2.  do not eat one morsel before noon.
3.  600 cal max day
4. Teach class - burn 550 calories.
5. Make to-do list at work and check at least two items off

Ok, now i feel a little more ready to take on the week!

munchies

i've got the muchies.  *sigh*  not in the pot smoking way, but just in general.  nothing that a bag of 100 calorie popcorn can't fix.  drowning in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter calorie free spray. mmmm.  nothing better than popcorn smothered in chemicals for a snack.

i have a pretty crazy week coming up at work. i have a trial starting in three weeks so all hell is about to break loose.  i'm working with another attorney but i may as well be working by myself.  i have sooo much work to do - and what really sucks is i have a whole bunch of other stuff going on as well.  if i could just focus on the trial that would be great.  but i won't be able to.  the week hasn't even started and i already feel pulled in 80 different directions.  goodbye sleep, it was nice knowing you.

dinner with my father in law and his girlfriend tonight.  we were going to get Indian, but my H is not a fan so we're going Japanese instead - as in Hibachi/teppen-yaki.  as in, let's give you so much food you'll explode.  ick.  there's three eating out episodes that i know about right now - tonight, with my h for my birthday, and with my dad for my birthday.  i should be able to plan ahead so there's not too much damage.  my progress has slowed but i'm still headed down, thank god.  i'm going to add two extra workouts this week as well.

i really need new gym clothes - i've been wearing the same clothes for about 2 years now and they look old and have that sweat rankness that comes from sweating in them for a long period of time.  but, no cash.  a friend suggested i try the salvation army, but i don't know.  buying someone else's gym clothes freaks me out - is that weird?

Well, our anniversary dinner didn't go as well as i had hoped.  not because of the food, but because i'm married to a person who occasionally morphs into an asshole.  *sigh*

we started to fight, at dinner, about money.  we always always always fight about money and how we don't have enough.  and it's my fault for two reasons: 1. i have an insane amount of student loans.  and by insane i mean INSANE (think over $150K) and 2. two years ago while in the throes of a manic episode i ran up about $20K on my credit cards.  in two months.  so yes, it is my fault that we don't have much money.  but i can't go through the rest of my life being blamed for all our troubles, i just can't.

ugh, i'm up a couple pounds because i've been eating like shit.  that's ok cause i'm feeling a little better, a little steadier.  i have to be super careful because if i let myself eat like shit a few days in a row then i lose all my footing and my control.  but i went to the gym this morning and busted my ass, and i have yet to eat today.  it's all good.

they switched out one of my dance classes at the gym and changed it to kickboxing which is great!  the dance class burns about 550 calories and the kick class torches about 900, maybe more for me because i'm the instructor and have to be super energentic the whole time.  i feel bad for the dance die hards who come to every class, but they still have me two other days a week.

i have two other eating out occasions that i know about right now - tomorrow night and next friday.  tomorrow night is Indian which i fucking adore and it will be so hard to contain myself.  but is it worth losing all my momentum?  heeelllllls no.

tonight, tonight

Today is my third wedding anniversary.  it's so crazy to believe - it feels like an eternity.  In that three years is a four month breakup as well as 1.5 years of couple's counseling, and we still have a long way to go.  i'm glad that we made it this far, but if you had told me this was going to be the case on November 2, 2007 - i think i may have changed my mind.  there are so many flaws in this relationship - there are in every relationship, but we've got some pretty big ones.  part of me is afraid i'm wasting what's left of my youth in a dead end marriage - that in 20 years i'll have wished i had left today.

*sigh*  i know, i should stop being so romantic.

anyway, we're going out to dinner, which of course strikes fear into my heart.  are we going to spend our celebration fighting over what i order?  or will i bite the bullet and order something besides salad?  either way i expect to see a gain in the morning because i didn't make it to the gym today (fuck fuck fuck).  problem is, i'm at the point where i really can't order anything with fat anyway, lest i spend the rest of the night in the toilet.  who needs laxatives?

i really really want to reach a certain weight by birthday next wednesday.  Do you think five pounds is too unrealistic?  i don't have much water weight to lose, so it'd pretty much have to be real weight.

hmm.

therapy

i had my weekly appointment with my therapist today.  i told him about the dream, leaving out the making out part at the end, lol.  telling most of the dream was tough/embarrasing enough, no need to be completely mortified.

i also had another dream last night about people trying to break into my house - he had me close my eyes and tell the story of the dream through the perspective of the person trying to enter.  it was an interesting experience, especially given the different emotions that i felt.  in my dream, when people were trying to break in i felt panicked, angry, afraid.  from the perspective of the invader i felt calm, focused, driven.  i don't know what that means - my therapist thinks that they are two competing sides of me - the angry emotional side, and the detached, emotionless side.  in my dream the emotional me killed the invader...perhaps i'm trying to get rid of the detachment and disconnection in my life.

my mother in law is still here.  she hasn't even been here a week yet and is staying for three.  this visit is driving me crazy.  our apartment is tiny so everyone's on top of each other.  she and my husband bicker back and forth like children, in loud voices and in a different language so it just sounds like noise to me.  i want to place my hands over my ears and start singing loudly just to drown them out.  plus she will not stop cooking.  i'm so sick of making up excuses about why i'm not eating.  i'm not feeling well, i just ate, i never eat before the gym or after the gym, yadda yadda yadda.  my h and i are very rarely together at mealtimes, so i'm out of practice with the excuses.

woot!

for the first time in god knows how long, i ended the weekend lighter than i started it.  this has always been an impossible feat.

it feels fucking awesome.