the week ahead...

...looks absolutely insane.  i've asked to start working at the gym front desk on the nights i'm not teaching and also on the weekends in order to get extra money.  so i'm working at the gym every night this week (be careful what you wish for!).  Then Saturday i have a baby shower at 1pm, work at the gym from 3-9:30 and then my friend is having a party later that night.  the week hasn't even started and already i can't wait for it to be over.  i was hoping to maybe shop for a dress for my friend's party but i have no idea when.  i don't even have any time free at lunch this week.

at least being so busy will help keep calories down, especially at night and working at the gym seeing all those people working so hard to get into shape.  i don't have any groceries so i'll probably live on clif bars all week long.  but now when will i work out on my non-teaching days?  i'm at the desk tues, wed, and fri, so i'll have to fit in those workouts some other time.

my side of the couch

funny how some things adjust so quickly after the end of a relationship and some things don't.

tony's been gone, oh, i'd say a little over a month.  probably after about a week, i had migrated to the middle of the bed.  however, i still refuse to move from the left side of the couch...it just feels weird to sit over on his side.  it would be easier for me if i moved over, i'm right handed so to get a drink off of the side table i have to reach across myself, but it's like my subconscious staunchly refuses to budge.

tony stayed in the apartment for a few days last week - he wanted to take care of some things to prepare for an interview, so i went to stay with a friend.  it felt like he was invading my space, never mind that we both lived here for over five years.  after a month it was all mine.  staying at my friend's kinda highlighted the fact that i am actually at some point going to have to move.  right now he's paying for the apartment but that's not a long term solution and i certainly can't afford to live here.  i don't want to move, i'm quite comfy here...but it will have to happen.

work is ok, i'm trying to focus but i'm having a hard time...i cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes it takes me all day to write a letter.  at least i have a job though so i need to do what i can to keep it.

weight hasn't gone up, which is good....but it hasn't gone down, which is bad.

happy mother's day

it's hard for me to not be depressed today.  my mom and i don't have a relationship...we had a very toxic relationship my whole life and as an adult i finally had it and cut her out of my life.

i feel like all these people that are supposed to be important are disappearing from my life.  first my best friend, then my other best friend, then my mom and then my H.  what's the common denominator?  me - i feel like it must be me that's fucking everything up, who else loses four such important people in the course of a few years?

whatever.  i'll make myself feel better with a b/p and then i'll cry because i feel fat.  sounds like fun.

i'm sorry this blog has become so depressing.  i need to get back on track, that will make me happy.

Happy Easter...

....if you celebrate, Happy Sunday if you don't.

i've been kind of lost in my emotions lately, it's really been a wild rollercoaster.  there are gaps in my memory and all i can really remember is a haze of food and toilets, a razor here and there, and taking amb.ie.n to try to pass out.

i think things might be clearing up a bit though, which is good.

i was invited to my dad's gf's daughter's house for easter.  it was nice of them, but i'm not going.  i really don't have much in common with them and i'm not up to questions about where my husband is.  at least, not yet.  struggling through the afternoon without cocktails sounds miserable, especially when they will all be drinking.  my dad and his gf are stopping by to "drop something off" before they go, i hope its not candy.

but it is really nice of them.

trying to get myself together

at least i'm trying.  second weekend alone is going a little better than the first...i've been able to rein in the b/p a bit, and i still have managed to not take a drink.  i honestly can't believe i'm still sober.  if you had asked me a year ago whether i would be able to stay sober if my husband and i broke up, i would have said HELL NO.  but here i am...i've got a year and almost five months sober, i really don't want to start over.

i went to the grocery store yesterday.  it is so strange to go grocery shopping and not get t's usual stuff.  i stood by the cucumbers and had to remind myself that i didn't need to get any, i don't eat them.  it was so sad, i almost started bawling in the produce section.  anyway as i was walking to check out i took a look in my cart and thought "this is the shopping cart of a single person"  this is what i had:

four weight watchers smart ones
four yogurts
three cups of instant oatmeal
diet root beer
grapes
oranges

nothing that would remotely be involved in cooking a real meal.  i tried to explain to t so many times, if i lived alone i wouldn't cook.  he never understood why it didn't occur to me to cook dinner without him asking about it.

ok

It's Monday, and it's time for the pity party to be over.  i b/p'd all weekend and my weight has ballooned, likely due to a boatload of water retention.  The good news is that b/c it's water it should go down in a few days, it's not *real* weight.

Plan for today:
teach class and lift weights
calorie goal of 1200.  it's a little higher than i try to shoot for, but my stomach is likely stretched out like crazy so i need to gradually cut down back to normal.

weekend

he packed some stuff and went to stay with his dad.

i've been alone in this apartment all weekend long.  bad news.