oscars

i'm watching the oscars and feeling quite frumpy, i must say.  might have something to do with all the glamour on the tv and me in my sweats.  maybe someday i'll have a huge oscar party and get everyone dressed up to watch it, but until then, sweats it is.

this week has been absolutely horrid, calorie wise.  i'm going to let it go and start fresh tomorrow - 900 cals, no questions, no excuses.

right now i'm thinking that i won't be running this year....i just can't seem to get motivated and i don't feel like forcing myself, when there are a million other ways to work out that i already do.

day off

i had today off from work, and so far it has been pretty spectacular.  i slept in until 10 (which is unheard of!!), went to visit my friend that i hadn't seen in ages, and now i'm curled up on the couch.  i'll go to the gym and teach my class in a bit.  perfect.  plus, the bachelor is on tonight, lol!  i watch it for the sole purpose of texting snarky remarks back and forth with my friends, hee hee.  i've had a couple issues with nighttime snacking, so my goal for tonight is to not eat anything after i get home from class.

i've been kinda slacking on my weightlifting, and i'm starting to lose some of the strength i've gained, which is pissing me off!  but i am really waning on energy, too bad, gotta suck it up.

tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  i haven't talked to her in about two years.  she lives around here, but we never had a great relationship, she terrorized me the whole time i was growing up.  things improved a bit when i got older, but when she and my dad split up a few years ago she really lost it.  she became paranoid, angry, and a 24 hour drinker.  our relationship got really toxic, so i cut her out of my life.  i still feel really guilty about it - everyone says i did the right thing, that i have to take care of me and my mental health.  but i still feel like a horrible daughter.  and i wonder, were things really that bad?  maybe i should've given her another chance?  it's her birthday tomorrow and she will be all alone.  again.  my friend says that's her fault that she's alone. 

but i still feel like it's mine.

chillin on a saturday

...and i mean literally chilling.  it was 58 degrees here yesterday, today it was 17 and a full out blizzard, yuck.  i subbed a class this morning, which went fine.  i don't like teaching in the morning as much as i do at night.  i'm less awake and have less fun.  by the end of the day i'm feeling punchy and my body is loose, in the mornings no matter how much i warm up i feel a little "off."

i went to the mall for a bit and found the cutest coat on sale:

It's hard to tell the details, but it is super cute and the pleating around the waist gives it a little flair.  it was a choice between black and tan and i went with black because i think it will go better with everything.  plus i'm a klutz and stain everything :)

i'm back down to my pre-sick and pre-period weight.  now that i'm feeling better (one pill left!  @Mich, it's not the liquid stuff) i can amp up my routine again...i think i might start to run in the mornings, which means going to the gym twice a day.  i just wish the weather would get a little better!  who wants to be scraping ice off the car at 4:30am??

990 cals today, 600 burned
1160 cals yesterday, 0 burned. (well, other than those burned through living)

breakfast

i can't wait until i'm done with this antibiotic.  i have to take it with food, which means i have to eat something for breakfast.  i haven't eaten breakfast since maybe the 7th grade.  it's fucking with me.  i always go as long as possible without eating every day.  now shoving half a mini bagel in my body at 7am is pure torture.  you'd think i was being asked to kick kittens, i dread it that much.  then i can't play my little game, you know - i've gone this long, can i go another half hour? or maybe another hour?  i've already eaten first thing, so it takes all the fun out of it, lol.

850 cals today, taught class so i probably torched about 650.  200 net, i can deal with that.

therapy

i told my psychMD today that i wasn't really interested in recovering from my ED.  everything else, yes.  but not my ED.

i think he may tell me i can't come anymore.  why would he waste his time with someone who doesn't want to fully recover?

whatever.  756 calories today.  that's all that matters.

clearing the head

yesterday was just awful.  combination of: no sleep, too much codeine, major work issues and hormones from starting my (fucking) period and i was a wreck.  but more than being emotional, i felt just....stupid.  i couldn't *think* - i couldn't reason out any answers, my head just felt slow...which was why i mostly blame the medication, the feeling reminds me of when i was drinking too much and also when i was on risperidone...i feel like my brain can't handle "slowing" medications, it turns my focus and thoughts into mud pie.

so i skipped the codeine last night and i felt better today, was able to sort a couple things out.  i went to the gym and worked out - i still can't decide if i want to run races this summer, well - i know i want to, i just don't know if i can get into the training.  i know i would if i signed up and paid, but i'm dragging my feet on it (because then i will have to do it, lol).

1045 calories today.  i still need to work on getting more protein, my carbs/protein ratio is way out of proportion - most lo-cal snacks are carbs (rice cakes, crackers, etc) so i need to get creative.  i also need to work on drinking more water, hopefully that will flush out some water weight i'm carrying around.

exhausted

wow, i am Tired with a capital T.  every time i stopped moving today i wanted to fall asleep.  this was especially troublesome when i was driving.  i'd be ok, get into my car, and all of a sudden i couldn't keep my eyes open.  i think all the codeine built up in my system and now is finally making me sleepy.  not the most helpful at 2pm on a sunday afternoon.  i have a feeling at 11pm tonight though i'll be wide awake.

class went ok though...i think my cough might actually be subsiding.  this morning was the first morning in two weeks that i didn't wake up with 1. a sore throat and 2. a gob of mucus sliding down my throat (ick!).  so that's progress!

hopefully now i'll be able to get back into my rhythm of working out.  i've been slacking on lifting and on running (zion - the cardio i did on Saturday was an hour of step class and an hour of kickboxing, not teaching it just taking it).  This is my workout schedule for the upcoming week:

Monday - teach dance class, lift
Tuesday - take kickboxing, run
Wed - 90 minute cycling class, lift
Thurs - teach kickboxing
Fri - off (maybe)
Sat - run, teach kickboxing (sub for regular instructor), lift
Sun - teach dance class

my weight has gone up a couple pounds which i'm trying to not freak out about - i'm about to get my period and that always happens, plus i did cut out a couple workouts last week.  this time next week i should be back to normal (i hope i hope i hope) if not on the way back down again.