my side of the couch

funny how some things adjust so quickly after the end of a relationship and some things don't.

tony's been gone, oh, i'd say a little over a month.  probably after about a week, i had migrated to the middle of the bed.  however, i still refuse to move from the left side of the couch...it just feels weird to sit over on his side.  it would be easier for me if i moved over, i'm right handed so to get a drink off of the side table i have to reach across myself, but it's like my subconscious staunchly refuses to budge.

tony stayed in the apartment for a few days last week - he wanted to take care of some things to prepare for an interview, so i went to stay with a friend.  it felt like he was invading my space, never mind that we both lived here for over five years.  after a month it was all mine.  staying at my friend's kinda highlighted the fact that i am actually at some point going to have to move.  right now he's paying for the apartment but that's not a long term solution and i certainly can't afford to live here.  i don't want to move, i'm quite comfy here...but it will have to happen.

work is ok, i'm trying to focus but i'm having a hard time...i cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes it takes me all day to write a letter.  at least i have a job though so i need to do what i can to keep it.

weight hasn't gone up, which is good....but it hasn't gone down, which is bad.

happy mother's day

it's hard for me to not be depressed today.  my mom and i don't have a relationship...we had a very toxic relationship my whole life and as an adult i finally had it and cut her out of my life.

i feel like all these people that are supposed to be important are disappearing from my life.  first my best friend, then my other best friend, then my mom and then my H.  what's the common denominator?  me - i feel like it must be me that's fucking everything up, who else loses four such important people in the course of a few years?

whatever.  i'll make myself feel better with a b/p and then i'll cry because i feel fat.  sounds like fun.

i'm sorry this blog has become so depressing.  i need to get back on track, that will make me happy.