weekend

i have been feeling very anxious lately.  all this uncertainty, between my work and my H and my shoulder, is making life very difficult.

my psychMD offered when he saw me to prescribe me some seroquel or some risperidone.  he is not big on medications, but he seemed concerned.  i refused them.  i used to be on a shitton of seroquel, like 600mg a day, back when i was in the hospital and for awhile thereafter (before i started seeing this guy).  it took me forever to get off of it, and i'm really not interested in going backward.

i cleaned out my bathroom last week and came across my stash.  five years worth of stockpiled medication.  i haven't touched any of it in years, but i still had it.  i debated whether or not to throw them away, and for some reason i could not part with them.  my doc says there's probably a part of me that is not ready to recover, and hanging on to the meds is a way to hang on to the sick part of me.  i didn't like hearing that, but it makes sense.

food:

Saturday:

oatmeal
small dish lo mein
salad with chickpeas and couscous
1/2 pint ben and jerry's


sunday:

oatmeal
cereal with soymilk
greek yogurt
chicken soup

taught classes yesterday and today, and will teach tomorrow night.  i will take tuesday to rest my shoulder, then if i feel ok i will do a light workout on wednesday.

friday

my h sent me an email basically saying that if i want a divorce, i'm going to have to pay him.  PAY HIM?!?!?  i can't fucking believe this.

food was pretty much the same yesterday and today:

granola bars
oatmeal
yogurt
lean cuisine
apples and cheese

about 1300.  no wonder i can't lose weight.

teaching tomorrow, sunday, and monday.  hopefully that will kick start my metabolism.

still no word on job future.  between job and H, the stress/anxiety levels are really wearing on me.

yet another long one

another long day.  i don't know what the hell i do all day, my alarm goes off at 6am and then all of a sudden it's 7pm and i'm still at my desk.  crazy.  plus i have a load of clothes that need to go to the dry cleaners, so i had to wear my suit where the pants are just a *wee* bit tight.  there are few things i hate more than sitting all day in pants that are too tight.  ugh.

food:

2 apples and a piece of cheese
greek yogurt
oatmeal
cereal
french fries

around 1300

next week i get to add back in one workout.  although at this point i have no idea when that will happen.

tuesday

this was a BEAST of a day.  alarm went off at 6am and i have been running around nonstop since.

food:
lean cuisine
apple
yogurt

about 500.  there is an upside to not having time to eat.

monday

i don't know if anyone watches Dancing with the Stars, but Chaz is just terrible.  Oy.

food:

soup
oatmeal
lean cuisine
apple

taught a class.  i feel like my shoulder might be marginally better, but after a class it just kills.

sunday

i agreed to help my boss's wife organize a turkey trot for thanksgiving day.  it's quickly turning into a pain in the ass.

food:

salad with chickpeas, edamame, and couscous
yogurt
french fries

around 950

taught this morning.  my shoulder is feeling a little bit better, i'm going to rest it one more week and then try and introduce some mild lifting.  i'm really nervous about messing it up again.

saturday

my job is temporary because the judge that hired me is retiring.  there will be a new judge, but he or she will have the option to keep the staff or being in their own people.  a lot of judges just bring people they already know and are comfortable with to help them with the transition.

food:

Friday i ate terribly.  put it this way:  i went with some work people and had "lunch" at a dessert place.  so lunch was a huge piece of peanut butter pie.  which of course made me feel all crappy and jittery so i spent the rest of the day eating crap to try and get myself feeling more normal.  so, calories were in the 8 million range.

today:
better - had some sushi and soup for lunch - 500.  had salad for a snack - 150.  not sure what dinner will be, maybe a baked chicken breast?

speaking of chicken, lol, i'm been toying with the idea of going back to vegetarianism.  i was vegeterian for a really long time, all my teen years and into my 20s, but i never really learned to eat healthily (big surprise!!) so when i started getting really active and started training for races my vegetarian diet couldn't keep up with everything.  so, i started eating meat again (which meant more calories overall, which is probably the point)  since i'm a little better about trying to balance out my diet over the day and better about eating veggies and stuff, maybe i will try it again.

of course the main voice in my head says that it will mean less calories.  but it will be healthier too i think.  i always buy meat and it sits in my fridge since i don't really like to cook it or handle it.  so there really is no point in buying it.

thursday

heading out to an AA meeting in a minute...haven't been to one in three weeks.  this is a hard time, when the weather turns cold i want red wine like crazy.

i had hoped my husband and i would have been able to work things out without lawyers.  it could really be so easy:  this shit's mine, that shit's yours, see you the fuck later.  now it will be long drawn out shitty drama.  my mom has been dragging out my parents' divorce for four years. my job is temporary, so i might be unemployed in february - i don't want to spend $ on a lawyer now if i'm going to be out of work in february.  once i have stable employment, i'm going to go to a lawyer and pay them to deal with it.  my husband will be really really mad though, if i go ahead and file without him.  but who cares.

food:
oatmeal
soup
brownie
lean pocket

950.

wednesday

food:

oatmeal
grilled cheese sandwich
greek yogurt
apple
slice of cheese

about 1000.

my husband told me that he will not even consider filing divorce papers until january, even though we had agreed december.  when it gets to january he will probably say he meant january 2013.  i can't afford to get a lawyer and i don't think i can deal with it myself.  i am going to be stuck with this douchebag forever.

monday and tuesday

monday i taught, my shoulder started to kill almost immediately...i did not do well in the class, and i hate that.  i couldn't be peppy and energetic and perky, like i usually am.  i could barely hold my arm up.  i don't teach again until sunday, so hopefully i'll be much better by then.

yesterday was about 1000 calories...today about 1250.  i am so miserable about not being able to work out.  i just want my shoulder to feel better.

weekend

so my weekend of lying around ended up not so much, but it was still ok.  i taught a class and then had lunch on saturday with a friend, then coffee with another friend, then dinner with another friend.  Today was pretty much the same thing.  i was able to pick up around the house a little bit which helps me feel better.  my shoulder still hurts, i feel like it will never get better.

saturday i ate too much, around 1800.  today was a little better, around 1350.  at least i taught this weekend, i shouldn't be working out but i was feeling so terribly fat last week and it was only making me eat worse.  It's a vicious cycle.

friday night

another long day.  worked until 6:15, came home, scarfed down a bowl of cereal, then went with a friend to the kickoff of the college basketball season - college hoops is really big in this city, so it was a big crowd and it was fun.  i'm teaching tomorrow morning and then having coffee with a friend, then i am coming home and lying down and not getting up.  i teach Sunday morning and again, plan on not doing anything after.

food today:

cereal
granola bar
taco salad

about 1200.

long days

every day this week i've left my apt at 7:30am and not gotten back til 9pm or so.  i am so beat.

still in pain.  i am so frustrated about not working out and being in pain and feeling lonely that i am eating way too much, and that of course makes me feel worse which makes me eat more.  i polished off a whole pint of ben and jerry's tonight.  so not right.

ben and jerry's
lean cuisine
oatmeal
greek yogurt
apple
cereal with soy milk

about 2800 calories.  kill me now.

i'm so boring

ate too much.  shoulder kills.  no workout.

sorry.

i'm back

my trip was good :)  i went to DC to see a couple friends that i hadn't seen in a couple years.  ate way too much, though.

i went to the chiropracter on friday and it was a waste of time.  she did all this "analysis" and gave me this huge explanation why my left shoulder was hurting and it was SO obvious. i then pointed to the form i filled out and said "uh, it's my right, it says right here." then she was like....well...it's all connected. hmph. then she said i needed to come 3x a week for at least a month. no way i could do that, even if i wanted to.

so, later on friday i went to see an orthapedist.  he diagnosed me with a severe muscle strain.  no bootcamp or weightlifting for a month.

i am so depressed.  i'm feeling fat, and in pain, and lonely, and frustrated that i'm not doing better at work.

thurs

zion, i can't comment on your post :(  i understand why you didn't say anything to the dealer, sometimes it's just not worth it.

still in pain.  going to the chiro tomorrow, i hope it works...if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.

food:

egg sandwich
lean cuisine
oatmeal
yogurt
slice of pizza

1150-ish.  still no workout.

i'm supposed to go out of town this weekend, probably still will unless i can't stand the idea of traveling.  i'll be back on Tuesday...you should keep posting though, zion!  :)

chiropracter

i made an appointment to see a chirpracter friday.  i've never been to one before but i'm praying it helps.

1300 cals.  no bootcamp or workout.  sorry zion :(

omg

my shoulder blade/upper back KILLS.  i thought it was just sore from hanging the shower curtain, but now i'm worried i did something to tweak it.  it constantly hurts, not more or less based on what i'm doing or if i'm moving.  it just feels like i'm being stabbed over and over in the scapula.

i'm going to go lay down.  food was at about 1400 today (such a pig).  no workouts today.

monday monday

my upper back is killing me.  not from weightlifting or boot camp, but from rehanging my shower curtain yesterday.  go figure.

food:
granola bars: 190
yogurt and granola: 350
greek yogurt: 140
lean cuisine: 290
oatmeal: 320
fruit and nut bar: 200
instant mac and cheese: 240

1730.  too much.  but i did have boot camp this morning and taught a class tonight.  i wasn't really hungry when i had the fruit and nut bar, but i was afraid of running out of energy during class, so i ate it right before.

phew

zion, i really hope your car stuff gets all set...dealing with car issues is one of the biggest pains in the ass in life.

if you don't feel comfortable with your doctor maybe try another one?  personally, i couldn't go to a guy, i would feel way too awkward.

i went to a play last night, it was in a crappy "theater" - really a banquent room attached to a dive bar that had been converted into a theater.  it wasn't terrible, but it really made me think that i might want to start acting again.  i majored in theater in college and did a lot of shows growing up, but i got away from it when i went to law school...hmmm maybe someday...

i had a bowl of cereal and soymilk so far.  i will have a lean cuisine later, but that will be it...600 total is my goal.

taught a class this morning.  boot camp 6am tomorrow!


zion, your turn to pick the exercises!

saturday full of stuff

had a hair appointment, then fell into tickets to the SU football game...hauled ass to get to the game.  exciting game, went to overtime, twice, but we ended up losing :( then hurry home to clean the piggers cage and shower and pick up a friend to go see a play.

food - nachos and a slice a pizza.  that's bad food but it's all i've had all day.

i'm beat.