tuesday

still working the no appetite.  i taught my class yesterday and i could barely breathe and had no energy.  oh well, i don't have to teach again until sunday, so don't need to worry about it for awhile.

i actually bought lunch today.  i put it in front of me, and all of a sudden didn't want it anymore.  i choked down three bites because i hated wasting the money, but i really had to force it.

down 6 pounds from this time last week.

the judge is being so sweet trying to find me a spot somewhere, he's making a ton of calls and writing letters.  i feel really bad for the other clerk though, the new judge is keeping her, yet she can't really enjoy it because i'm in a tough spot, and people are really focused on helping me, and not celebrating her joy.  i know she feels neglected and left out, and i've told her i'm really happy for her (and i am), i don't know what else i can do so she doesn't resent me for ruining her happy news.  although i can't control her resentment, of course.  she's just such a nice person who has helped me so much, and i hate that she's sad.

fuck yeah

i've lost five pounds since my last post on Wednesday.  Fuck yeah.

i need to use this

i need to use this stress...use this anxiety and depression.  i don't want to eat, so i won't.  i need to get something out of these horrid feelings, might as well get some weight loss.

:(

i talked to the new judge today.  she will not be keeping me and i will be unemployed in feb.

job update

food yesterday:

oatmeal
apple with slice of cheese
hummus and pita
slice pizza
mini drumstick ice cream cone

i had an interview with the new judge on wednesday.  it went ok, basically it's going to come down between me and a person that she might want to bring in with her.  i really don't want to be unemployed, there's so much else going on, i don't want to be freaking out about getting a job.  she said she would let us know by the middle of december, which is way too far away.

in other news, i feel enormous.  my shoulder feels ready to do a little weightlifting, so i'm going to come up with a new schedule.

beat

i've gotten home after 10pm every night this week - so sorry, but have been too exhausted to update.  i've kept up the veg diet, which is good.  what's bad is i've met a friend for lunch and for dinner every day this week, and will again tomorrow.  this is the only way i can see my friends, but i have to think of a cheaper and less calorie involved alternative.

my parents' divorce is official, after it being dragged out for three years.  my dad emailed me tuesday eve that the divorce was final, and emailed me wednesday morning that he was engaged to his girlfriend.  Ugh.  i emailed him back that it was pretty crappy of him to email me, and not call.  he called then and was so apologetic i felt bad for complaining.  but he really should have called.

i really do not want to be related in any way to this woman.

back from vacay

i am exhausted.  it was a great long weekend, but traveling just saps my energy.  i can't believe i have to go to work in the morning.

i went to atlantic city with three friends of mine (two are married to each other).  it was a great time!  i'm not going to bother to try and figure out food, safe to say i've gained weight.  i debated not going, because this trip was going to cost a lot of money and who knows if i'll be employed in three months...but i had saved for a bit and needed a "time out"  It was a celebration of three things for me: my wedding anti-anniversary, my birthday, and my 2 years of sobriety, all in november.  with all that going on, i felt like i deserved some time away.  i'm going to have to pay for it now, by scrimping down costs and saving every dime.

i've made a decision to take the first step and become a vegetarian.  so as of right now, i will not eat meat or fish.  First, i will work on no meat on my plate.  then i will start to winnow out meat sources that are found in other places....soups made with chicken stock, for example.  but first - the big step.  no meat on my plate.

going away

i'm heading out of town tomorrow for a mini-getaway.  i'll be back Monday- take care of yourselves!

whoops

i didn't realize i hadn't updated in so long, sorry!

eating wasn't great over the weekend.  i kept having random things, like buffalo wing dip for breakfast.  i'm just feeling all over the place.  i feel like i need to go all-in on some crazy diet, like macrobiotics, just to try and focus on some sort of plan and have someone else tell me what to eat.  because i just don't know, i open the fridge and stare inside and don't know what to have.  same thing when i go to the grocery store...i don't have food, so i go to the store and when i get there i don't know what to buy.

i tried to take a weightlifting class on saturday, as soon as my shoulder started to feel even a little tired, i dropped out of whatever exercise we were doing.  i am really freaked out about hurting it again.  but it is really very weak, there is a noticeable difference between my right and left sides.  ugh.

hmph

well, my boss talked to the new judge today.  he told me she is really leaning towards bringing someone with her and he is not optimistic that i will keep my job.  i really appreciate his honesty, but OMG what the hell am i going to do??

i had some soup - 180.  too anxious to eat.

tuesday

glad you're back zion!

i'm beat.  calories around 1500 today.  i went to a vegan cafe for dinner with a friend.  we got a bunch of plates and shared them, it was pretty tasty!!  gives me more confidence that maybe i could do the vegetarian thing...