of course, this time of year always gets me thinking about the year to come. what do i want to be different? what do i want to improve? what can i work on to be a better person? and of course, how much thinner can i get?
of course my initial thoughts are "ok, i'll make a resolution to never eat ever again and to exercise 23 hours a day!" but even i know that's ridiculous. i suppose that's the mixed blessing of being at this for so long.
i really want to think about this so i'm not going to commit to anything yet. but i'd love to hear what ideas you're having, if any. perhaps i'll be inspired!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas...
....and happy festivus to the rest of us!
my day was nice - last night t and i went to visit my FIL and his girlfriend at their place, had dinner and exchanged gifts. this morning we got up, had our christmas, then my dad and his gf came over. we exchanged gifts, then we all went over to her daughter's for dinner. lots of running around but not too bad. i just hate that ever since my dad started dating this woman, spending holidays with him means spending the holidays with her extended family. most of them are nice (though there is one real dickhead) but it's all awkward small talk, plus they're all drinking and i'm not. she doesn't believe in tv, so there's not even that distraction. but, it's over and now i can relax...i'm taking monday and tuesday off work and hopefully i'll actually be able to enjoy it and not stress about work and what i might be missing.
there was food fucking everywhere at her place though. i was always sure to have food on a plate in front of me, which helps people leave me alone. though it sucks to have food right there, i made sure it wasn't anything i liked too much. since i have mon and tues off i'm planning on fasting. i'll skip the gym so i can really get away with having nothing.
t got me undies from victoria's secret - i think it's my favorite present, he's never bought me lingerie before. i told him that i needed it (which is true) so he didn't come up with it entirely on his own, but he picked them out :-)
my day was nice - last night t and i went to visit my FIL and his girlfriend at their place, had dinner and exchanged gifts. this morning we got up, had our christmas, then my dad and his gf came over. we exchanged gifts, then we all went over to her daughter's for dinner. lots of running around but not too bad. i just hate that ever since my dad started dating this woman, spending holidays with him means spending the holidays with her extended family. most of them are nice (though there is one real dickhead) but it's all awkward small talk, plus they're all drinking and i'm not. she doesn't believe in tv, so there's not even that distraction. but, it's over and now i can relax...i'm taking monday and tuesday off work and hopefully i'll actually be able to enjoy it and not stress about work and what i might be missing.
there was food fucking everywhere at her place though. i was always sure to have food on a plate in front of me, which helps people leave me alone. though it sucks to have food right there, i made sure it wasn't anything i liked too much. since i have mon and tues off i'm planning on fasting. i'll skip the gym so i can really get away with having nothing.
t got me undies from victoria's secret - i think it's my favorite present, he's never bought me lingerie before. i told him that i needed it (which is true) so he didn't come up with it entirely on his own, but he picked them out :-)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
i went into work both days this weekend. that sucked. however, there is an end in sight - this week should be the last totally insane one. i'm actually taking next monday and tuesday off and i'm so excited i could cry.
i keep having dreams about overdosing on meds, and not by accident. i have attempted suicide four times in my life, and they have all been through OD-ing on meds. the last time was in 2006, so a long ways back, but apparently my subconscious has been dwelling on it a bit. it's probably been triggered by my MD putting me on a sleep med, i really didn't want to go on it...i've worked so hard to get down to just one med and now i'm back at two...but that's probably why i've got meds on the brain. i've thought about bringing it up at my next session but there are a few things that could happen:
1. my MD will decide i can't be trusted with the meds
2. he will ask me if i'm suicidal and i'm not quite sure if i want to have that discussion
3. he will insinuate that maybe it's a sign that i want to get sicker, to regress, to go back to the hospital merry-go-round
i'm not particularly interested in any of those outcomes.
my friend is getting her masters in exercise science and she's designing a workout plan for me as a project - holla!! besides the obvious "lose weight" goal that i'm not telling her about - i want to be able to do 25 pushups from the toes...i have no upper body strength whatsoever, so i told her that's what i want to improve (and it's true!). but now i have to keep two food journals...a real one and a fake one for her *sigh* but i'm all about the professional weightlifting advice! right now i can do about a half a pushup from the toes, and maybe five from the knees...so i have a lot of progress to make. i love goals though, you know that! ;-)
i keep having dreams about overdosing on meds, and not by accident. i have attempted suicide four times in my life, and they have all been through OD-ing on meds. the last time was in 2006, so a long ways back, but apparently my subconscious has been dwelling on it a bit. it's probably been triggered by my MD putting me on a sleep med, i really didn't want to go on it...i've worked so hard to get down to just one med and now i'm back at two...but that's probably why i've got meds on the brain. i've thought about bringing it up at my next session but there are a few things that could happen:
1. my MD will decide i can't be trusted with the meds
2. he will ask me if i'm suicidal and i'm not quite sure if i want to have that discussion
3. he will insinuate that maybe it's a sign that i want to get sicker, to regress, to go back to the hospital merry-go-round
i'm not particularly interested in any of those outcomes.
my friend is getting her masters in exercise science and she's designing a workout plan for me as a project - holla!! besides the obvious "lose weight" goal that i'm not telling her about - i want to be able to do 25 pushups from the toes...i have no upper body strength whatsoever, so i told her that's what i want to improve (and it's true!). but now i have to keep two food journals...a real one and a fake one for her *sigh* but i'm all about the professional weightlifting advice! right now i can do about a half a pushup from the toes, and maybe five from the knees...so i have a lot of progress to make. i love goals though, you know that! ;-)
Friday, December 17, 2010
random thoughts
holidays are supposed to be joyous times, but have you ever noticed that at least half of the Christmas music around is about loneliness and longing?
i had my therapy appointment this afternoon - i snuck out of work at about 3:45...i don't know why i feel bad, i've worked at least 12 hours a day every day this week. i usually go at my lunch but for various reasons that didn't work this week. anyway, it was nice, his office is very warm and homey, it felt very cozy with it being dark outside. i was able to keep things light, which i know isn't really the point of therapy, but it was what i needed. this week has felt so heavy, a huge weight on me. it was nice to just chat about random things. i'm going to have to work this weekend which sucks, but i've arranged to take the monday and tuesday after christmas off, and i am far more excited than i thought i would be when i planned this way back. now, i am practically giddy - i have a few major things due monday and tuesday (hence the working weekend) but once that's passed i should be good.
i was telling my MD about how i don't have any judgment of my own. i never feel like i can make a decision by myself, i always have to ask a ton of people and find out from them what to do. he asked whether i didn't have any judgment of my own, or was it that i just didn't trust my judgment...and that is it. i know what i want (for the most part) but i'm always convinced that what i want is wrong for whatever reason. anyone else is more justified, more "right" in their opinions than i could ever be. i always hated that - it makes me paralyzed in decision making, especially when i get different opinions from different people, which is almost always. then what? and who do i piss off by not following their advice? or what if it's a private thing that i can't really discuss? THEN what??
MD says it's a question of me being comfortable in my own skin. i asked whether that would ever happen. he said he's seen strong movement towards that goal since he's known me. i wish i could see it from his perspective, because i don't feel it at all.
i had my therapy appointment this afternoon - i snuck out of work at about 3:45...i don't know why i feel bad, i've worked at least 12 hours a day every day this week. i usually go at my lunch but for various reasons that didn't work this week. anyway, it was nice, his office is very warm and homey, it felt very cozy with it being dark outside. i was able to keep things light, which i know isn't really the point of therapy, but it was what i needed. this week has felt so heavy, a huge weight on me. it was nice to just chat about random things. i'm going to have to work this weekend which sucks, but i've arranged to take the monday and tuesday after christmas off, and i am far more excited than i thought i would be when i planned this way back. now, i am practically giddy - i have a few major things due monday and tuesday (hence the working weekend) but once that's passed i should be good.
i was telling my MD about how i don't have any judgment of my own. i never feel like i can make a decision by myself, i always have to ask a ton of people and find out from them what to do. he asked whether i didn't have any judgment of my own, or was it that i just didn't trust my judgment...and that is it. i know what i want (for the most part) but i'm always convinced that what i want is wrong for whatever reason. anyone else is more justified, more "right" in their opinions than i could ever be. i always hated that - it makes me paralyzed in decision making, especially when i get different opinions from different people, which is almost always. then what? and who do i piss off by not following their advice? or what if it's a private thing that i can't really discuss? THEN what??
MD says it's a question of me being comfortable in my own skin. i asked whether that would ever happen. he said he's seen strong movement towards that goal since he's known me. i wish i could see it from his perspective, because i don't feel it at all.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
i can't believe it's only Tuesday
Tuesday?? between yesterday and today i've worked 25 hours. i feel like i've worked a week already. the thing that really pisses me off is that i spend so much time cleaning up other people's shit that i don't have time to do my own work, so i have to come in at 5am in the fucking morning just so i can make a dent in my own stuff.
i hate this shit. and the firm last week said i should hear something at the start of this week. with each day that passes, i'm feeling less and less likely that things went my way.
the only upside of stress: lack of both time and desire to eat. however, when i'm stressed i also don't drop weight as easily even though eating less comes naturally. i think my body knows it's in battle mode and is hanging on to every fucking fat cell i have. at this rate i'll never meet my new year's goal - but i have to think positive!! if i didn't have to go to work so early i could go to spin class....shit. maybe i can sneak out and go to a step class in the afternoon and then go back to work refreshed. i always lose faster if i can get in more exercise than usual...but the weather is a factor as well, i don't want to be driving in a blizzard.
goddamn it. why is life getting in the way of my weightloss??! i need something to keep me happy and keep me going through all this...
i hate this shit. and the firm last week said i should hear something at the start of this week. with each day that passes, i'm feeling less and less likely that things went my way.
the only upside of stress: lack of both time and desire to eat. however, when i'm stressed i also don't drop weight as easily even though eating less comes naturally. i think my body knows it's in battle mode and is hanging on to every fucking fat cell i have. at this rate i'll never meet my new year's goal - but i have to think positive!! if i didn't have to go to work so early i could go to spin class....shit. maybe i can sneak out and go to a step class in the afternoon and then go back to work refreshed. i always lose faster if i can get in more exercise than usual...but the weather is a factor as well, i don't want to be driving in a blizzard.
goddamn it. why is life getting in the way of my weightloss??! i need something to keep me happy and keep me going through all this...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
bummed
man, i have been in a funk lately. like, really, really down. i'm just feeling so overwhelmed lately, everything just seems too hard, too exhausting. i don't know if it's the stress with work, or my marriage - it's not going very well at all for various reasons - or if it's just me. i am really withdrawing from people, i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. i'm just blah.
tomorrow i have to teach, but i'm planning on staying under 500. i just want to drop weight, i don't even really care about anything else anymore.
tomorrow i have to teach, but i'm planning on staying under 500. i just want to drop weight, i don't even really care about anything else anymore.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
slacking
wow, feels like ages since i've written....i always want to write, but by the time i finally get home from work and the gym, i feel like i can barely move.
i had a job interview on Wednesday for a private firm. Right now, i work for the government. i like my job ok - well, i like the people i work with, for the most part. over the past year, my job has gotten more and more stressful and i'm working longer and longer hours. i was underpaid before this year, but there's just no way i'm paid enough now for all that extra stress. i've always been afraid of going to work in the private sector because it's notoriously stressful, but i don't think it would get much worse than the level i'm at now, and then at least i'd be paid decently.
i honestly don't know how the interview went - i think i did ok, but it was me and five older male attorneys, and they didn't seem particularly enthusiastic. it's hard to tell, maybe it's just them and their personalities. i'm usually pretty good in an interview and i can get people to relax and laugh with me, but they certainly had their poker faces on. part of me really wants it because of the extra money, part of me is terrified that i'll get it and have to make a change - i've been at my current work almost four years and i'm finally starting to feel like i might know a little bit about what i'm doing, and at least i feel comfortable going to my co-workers for help....the thought of starting over with a bunch of strangers makes me want to puke.
but the fact that i'm handling this at all is good - i was telling my therapist earlier this week - this time four years ago i was sitting in a psych ward, on so much medication i couldn't hold my head up and couldn't walk straight. so, at least i'm not there.
i've set a weight goal for New Year's Day - most people wait til New Year's to start a diet...i want to meet my goal by then so i can drop even lower. i need to drop ten pounds - 10 pounds in about 20 days, i think if i stay focused and bust my ass i can do it. the only thing about this shitty weather is i can't run outside if for some reason i can't get to the gym....i need to work on my upper body strength - i've been trying to increase my plank time, and i think i have the ab strength but my upper body/shoulders just can't hold myself up. i should try and do planks every day - that should help me improve.
i had a job interview on Wednesday for a private firm. Right now, i work for the government. i like my job ok - well, i like the people i work with, for the most part. over the past year, my job has gotten more and more stressful and i'm working longer and longer hours. i was underpaid before this year, but there's just no way i'm paid enough now for all that extra stress. i've always been afraid of going to work in the private sector because it's notoriously stressful, but i don't think it would get much worse than the level i'm at now, and then at least i'd be paid decently.
i honestly don't know how the interview went - i think i did ok, but it was me and five older male attorneys, and they didn't seem particularly enthusiastic. it's hard to tell, maybe it's just them and their personalities. i'm usually pretty good in an interview and i can get people to relax and laugh with me, but they certainly had their poker faces on. part of me really wants it because of the extra money, part of me is terrified that i'll get it and have to make a change - i've been at my current work almost four years and i'm finally starting to feel like i might know a little bit about what i'm doing, and at least i feel comfortable going to my co-workers for help....the thought of starting over with a bunch of strangers makes me want to puke.
but the fact that i'm handling this at all is good - i was telling my therapist earlier this week - this time four years ago i was sitting in a psych ward, on so much medication i couldn't hold my head up and couldn't walk straight. so, at least i'm not there.
i've set a weight goal for New Year's Day - most people wait til New Year's to start a diet...i want to meet my goal by then so i can drop even lower. i need to drop ten pounds - 10 pounds in about 20 days, i think if i stay focused and bust my ass i can do it. the only thing about this shitty weather is i can't run outside if for some reason i can't get to the gym....i need to work on my upper body strength - i've been trying to increase my plank time, and i think i have the ab strength but my upper body/shoulders just can't hold myself up. i should try and do planks every day - that should help me improve.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
12/6 meal plan
Ok, here's the plan:
Coffee
Sf RedBull
oatmeal with cranberries - 300
Lean Cuisine - 300
teach class - burn 550
50 net calories for the day!
here's a few pics of Esther Canadas for ya - have a great week all!
Coffee
Sf RedBull
oatmeal with cranberries - 300
Lean Cuisine - 300
teach class - burn 550
50 net calories for the day!
here's a few pics of Esther Canadas for ya - have a great week all!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
i love planning
it must be my type A personality coming through...or my wannabe type A, anyway.
tomorrow i teach in the morning, so that should burn about 550 calories. then i'm going to come home and t and i are going to clean the apartment, hopefully skipping breakfast in the process. coffee throughout the day, then a small dinner. my goal is to start on Monday where i left off on Friday. then the real fun begins...and the sad thing is, i mean that genuinely...stay tuned.
i have a bad sephora habit...one just opened up near me a couple months, and it really is my happy place. last week as a treat before the trial i got myself:
and....
The bronzer is absolutely fabulous...i've always had a hard time with bronzer, it always made me look like i had orange stripes on my face...that's what cheap drugstore stuff will do to you. i got a good brush, lightly got some powder on it and lightly dusted all over my face and down my neck and viola! a nice little glow...i've very psyched!
The pencil is great too...one side is a lip liner, which i probably won't use much, but the other side is like a giant crayon to color in your lips. It goes on really nice, but i added just a touch of chapstick on top so i could rub my lips together and blend it all in.
tomorrow i teach in the morning, so that should burn about 550 calories. then i'm going to come home and t and i are going to clean the apartment, hopefully skipping breakfast in the process. coffee throughout the day, then a small dinner. my goal is to start on Monday where i left off on Friday. then the real fun begins...and the sad thing is, i mean that genuinely...stay tuned.
i have a bad sephora habit...one just opened up near me a couple months, and it really is my happy place. last week as a treat before the trial i got myself:
The bronzer is absolutely fabulous...i've always had a hard time with bronzer, it always made me look like i had orange stripes on my face...that's what cheap drugstore stuff will do to you. i got a good brush, lightly got some powder on it and lightly dusted all over my face and down my neck and viola! a nice little glow...i've very psyched!
The pencil is great too...one side is a lip liner, which i probably won't use much, but the other side is like a giant crayon to color in your lips. It goes on really nice, but i added just a touch of chapstick on top so i could rub my lips together and blend it all in.
Friday, December 3, 2010
it's over
and thank god for that. there were four claims, we won on three and lost on one, so it was a 75% win, lol. although any loss is still a loss in my boss's eyes so that sucks big donkey dong.
i lost one of my followers. that makes me sad :(
i actually lost weight during the trial which was most excellent, and surprising. i wouldn't eat all day, due to nerves or stress or no time, then come home and mow down. i assumed that i would gain because of the nighttime eating but i guess it all evened out with a deficit, so that's great. now that the trial is over i can turn my attention back to my plan, which always helps take the anxiety down anyway.
i just checked my bank account and i'm overdrawn...fuck fuck fuckitty fuck.
i lost one of my followers. that makes me sad :(
i actually lost weight during the trial which was most excellent, and surprising. i wouldn't eat all day, due to nerves or stress or no time, then come home and mow down. i assumed that i would gain because of the nighttime eating but i guess it all evened out with a deficit, so that's great. now that the trial is over i can turn my attention back to my plan, which always helps take the anxiety down anyway.
i just checked my bank account and i'm overdrawn...fuck fuck fuckitty fuck.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
one more week
this time next week, it will all be over. the trial, over. if anyone out there is thinking about becoming a lawyer, please don't. unless you're the top of your law school class you won't make decent money, and no amount of money is worth this misery anyway. plus you're also miserable because of the insane amount of school debt you have. don't do it.
i feel like a zombie.
so, if i win the trial, do i celebrate with a drink? (background: i'm an alkie, have been in AA, just hit my one year anniversary). i can practically taste it - an ice cold martini has my name written all over it. i've been sober over a year, now i know i CAN stay sober...the next question is, do i WANT to stay sober? hmmm....
we're not gonna talk about food now, mmmkay? be prepared for a post next sunday about getting my ass back in gear.
i feel like a zombie.
so, if i win the trial, do i celebrate with a drink? (background: i'm an alkie, have been in AA, just hit my one year anniversary). i can practically taste it - an ice cold martini has my name written all over it. i've been sober over a year, now i know i CAN stay sober...the next question is, do i WANT to stay sober? hmmm....
we're not gonna talk about food now, mmmkay? be prepared for a post next sunday about getting my ass back in gear.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
breathe, girl, just breathe...
happy thanksgiving to all! hopefully you find it in your heart to be thankful for YOU, that you are here and there are people out there (like me!) that are also thankful for you.
my trial starts in four days and i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. i am terrified, i don't feel at all prepared...i want to head for the hills so bad. i am someone who always wants to plan and to know what exactly is going to happen, and that never ever happens with a trial...there are too many variables with witnesses, judge, jury, opposing counsel...it's a ten ring circus...
i've hardly slept for days...i went to therapy on Tuesday and i told my psychMD up front, hey, i haven't slept in a long time and when i don't sleep i'm super emotional. he said "good," i said "i knew you would think that" and proceeded to burst into tears. and cried for the whole hour. i don't think he got two words in, i just went on and on. keep in mind, i never cry for more that two minutes during a session, but this was insanity.
at the end, he asked my opinion about taking a sleeping pill. this guy NEVER wants to resort to medication - which is fine with me, i take a mood stabilizer, that's it...so if he's suggesting meds then i must have looked in pretty bad shape, which is kinda embarrasing. anyway, i refused, i said i didn't want anything. he asked why, and i explained that first of all, about three years ago when i was in and out of the hospital, i was on a list of meds longer than my arm and it took forever to get down to the one, and also i just feel like i shouldn't need anything else! yes, i'm bipolar and there's a chemistry problem, but we're talking about fucking sleep here, i should be able to at least do that without chemical help. besides, what's the difference between that and drinking to fall asleep?
anyway, one of the oft-recurring themes in my therapy is self acceptance (as in, i need to learn some), this apparently includes accepting help, help from him and help from a pill. i won't even accept a kleenex from him, i'd rather sit there and be a snotty mess than take an offered tissue, this is the complex i have about accepting help and support. so, as a growing experience, i filled the prescription. and let me tell you, i haven't slept through the night like that since the last time i took a med for sleeping, about two years ago. i don't really know what to think about that...
anyway, enough babbling...hope you enjoy your day! anyone braving the black friday crowds tomorrow? i will be working all day, so i won't be having any shopping fun :(
my trial starts in four days and i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. i am terrified, i don't feel at all prepared...i want to head for the hills so bad. i am someone who always wants to plan and to know what exactly is going to happen, and that never ever happens with a trial...there are too many variables with witnesses, judge, jury, opposing counsel...it's a ten ring circus...
i've hardly slept for days...i went to therapy on Tuesday and i told my psychMD up front, hey, i haven't slept in a long time and when i don't sleep i'm super emotional. he said "good," i said "i knew you would think that" and proceeded to burst into tears. and cried for the whole hour. i don't think he got two words in, i just went on and on. keep in mind, i never cry for more that two minutes during a session, but this was insanity.
at the end, he asked my opinion about taking a sleeping pill. this guy NEVER wants to resort to medication - which is fine with me, i take a mood stabilizer, that's it...so if he's suggesting meds then i must have looked in pretty bad shape, which is kinda embarrasing. anyway, i refused, i said i didn't want anything. he asked why, and i explained that first of all, about three years ago when i was in and out of the hospital, i was on a list of meds longer than my arm and it took forever to get down to the one, and also i just feel like i shouldn't need anything else! yes, i'm bipolar and there's a chemistry problem, but we're talking about fucking sleep here, i should be able to at least do that without chemical help. besides, what's the difference between that and drinking to fall asleep?
anyway, one of the oft-recurring themes in my therapy is self acceptance (as in, i need to learn some), this apparently includes accepting help, help from him and help from a pill. i won't even accept a kleenex from him, i'd rather sit there and be a snotty mess than take an offered tissue, this is the complex i have about accepting help and support. so, as a growing experience, i filled the prescription. and let me tell you, i haven't slept through the night like that since the last time i took a med for sleeping, about two years ago. i don't really know what to think about that...
anyway, enough babbling...hope you enjoy your day! anyone braving the black friday crowds tomorrow? i will be working all day, so i won't be having any shopping fun :(
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
T minus one week
My trial starts a week from Monday...let the real stress begin (as if last few weeks haven't been stressful!). i'm at Barnes n Noble with my laptop and all my notes...i feel like i'm back in law school. Starting about a week before finals, i practically moved into Starbucks. By semester's end i was sick to death of the library so i would show up at 5am when they opened, push a bunch of tables together (which earned me several dirty looks over the course of the day) and spread out a shitton of books, outlines, study guides, my laptop, etc. drank so much coffee that i couldn't keep my hands steady (although that might also have been stress) and studied until my brain melted...hobbled out of there around 7pm or so to go home and crash and do it again the next day. Finals in law school make you wish you'd never been born, i should remember that when i'm stressed out now...it could be way worse...although there's always the chance of making an ass of yourself in front of a judge, jury, and your boss, and losing the trial, and getting fired....maybe i should stop trying to think of worse things.
thanksgiving. ugh. between food stress and work stress i am not looking forward to it. here's the deal: ever since my dad started dating his girlfriend, spending the holidays with him means spending the holidays with her entire extended family. they are nice and all, but honestly the last thing i want to do on a holiday is make awkward small talk with these people. without alcohol in my system. that plus the stress of the trial made the idea of thanksgiving with these people unbearable. so, i pled with my h to skip it this year, instead the two of us are going to dinner someplace. he was fine with it and i thought everything was set.
then he spoke to his mom. when she was here, she had gone to lunch with dad's gf, who proceeded to tell her that if my h and i didn't come to Thanksgiving then i could forget about seeing my dad at Christmas, she would insist that they go see her family that lives in Connecticut. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, who does that!? She is clearly manipulative, but why would she say that to my MIL?? This is also the woman who told her during her last visit that she thought i was spoiled rotten. i am really starting to hate this woman. so, i can either do what i want and have some peace and quiet this thursday, or i can bend to her stupid little games and get to see my dad on christmas. and the shitty thing is, he would go along with whatever she wanted, even if it meant not seeing me on christmas, especially since he has no clue about her stupid manipulative shit. even if he did, it wouldn't matter. he has always gone for manipulative domineering bitches. and the children always lose. when he married my mom she all but forbade him from contact with my sister (from his previous marriage) and now it's looking the same again.
in therapy my psychMD is really trying to get me to focus on doing what i want, instead of what i think will make others happy and therefore will not hate or ostracize me. how the hell can i do what i want (stay home on thursday) if it means losing out later?
i hate this shit.
thanksgiving. ugh. between food stress and work stress i am not looking forward to it. here's the deal: ever since my dad started dating his girlfriend, spending the holidays with him means spending the holidays with her entire extended family. they are nice and all, but honestly the last thing i want to do on a holiday is make awkward small talk with these people. without alcohol in my system. that plus the stress of the trial made the idea of thanksgiving with these people unbearable. so, i pled with my h to skip it this year, instead the two of us are going to dinner someplace. he was fine with it and i thought everything was set.
then he spoke to his mom. when she was here, she had gone to lunch with dad's gf, who proceeded to tell her that if my h and i didn't come to Thanksgiving then i could forget about seeing my dad at Christmas, she would insist that they go see her family that lives in Connecticut. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, who does that!? She is clearly manipulative, but why would she say that to my MIL?? This is also the woman who told her during her last visit that she thought i was spoiled rotten. i am really starting to hate this woman. so, i can either do what i want and have some peace and quiet this thursday, or i can bend to her stupid little games and get to see my dad on christmas. and the shitty thing is, he would go along with whatever she wanted, even if it meant not seeing me on christmas, especially since he has no clue about her stupid manipulative shit. even if he did, it wouldn't matter. he has always gone for manipulative domineering bitches. and the children always lose. when he married my mom she all but forbade him from contact with my sister (from his previous marriage) and now it's looking the same again.
in therapy my psychMD is really trying to get me to focus on doing what i want, instead of what i think will make others happy and therefore will not hate or ostracize me. how the hell can i do what i want (stay home on thursday) if it means losing out later?
i hate this shit.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
she's gone
my MIL has left after a three week visit. praise be, she's gone. i already feel my anxiety level falling. the last week i've been fighting back tears and now i just feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted. she's a nice lady, but three weeks of an extra person in an apartment that's really only big enough for one person is tooooo much. especially when you're someone like me who needs a lot of alone time and personal space.
i told my h that i need at least a year before her next visit. she was here three times in the last year, each time for three weeks. enough is enough.
i'm having a really hard time getting back on track and it's driving me nuts. i would give anything to be one of those people that can't eat when she's stressed...i'm just the opposite, when i'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed i want to mow down everything in sight, anything, just to not feel the anxiety...which of course leads to purging which leads to more awful feelings....sigh. strict restriction is the only way for me to stay out of the b/p cycle but it's so hard when i'm this stressed!! purging nonstop will only make it worse...i just need a couple under-250 days and i'll be good as new.
tomorrow:
teach in the morning - burn 550
coffee/sfrb
one lean cuisine
i told my h that i need at least a year before her next visit. she was here three times in the last year, each time for three weeks. enough is enough.
i'm having a really hard time getting back on track and it's driving me nuts. i would give anything to be one of those people that can't eat when she's stressed...i'm just the opposite, when i'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed i want to mow down everything in sight, anything, just to not feel the anxiety...which of course leads to purging which leads to more awful feelings....sigh. strict restriction is the only way for me to stay out of the b/p cycle but it's so hard when i'm this stressed!! purging nonstop will only make it worse...i just need a couple under-250 days and i'll be good as new.
tomorrow:
teach in the morning - burn 550
coffee/sfrb
one lean cuisine
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Ooooooh life. is bigger.
bigger than you...and you are not me...the lengths that i will go to...the distance in your eyes...oh no i've said too much...i set it up...
lol. if you don't know that song i feel sorry for you, that is my original emo song (haha i think that's the first time i actually used the word "emo" in a sentence) funny to think i've been getting maudlin to the same song for what, almost 20 years? good lord. i need new music to get depressed to.
Well, i've made it through the birthday celebrations...i know i'm very fortunate to have people in my life that want to do things to celebrate with me, i just wish it could be doing something besides eating. maybe next time i'll insist that we all go play laser tag or something.
as it is, i'll be spending at least three days undoing last week's damage, which blows. but, i'm teaching two extra classes this week, so that's something.
goals for tomorrow:
coffee
sugar free red bull
diet pepsi
nothing before noon
700 calories max
teach class- burn 550
my trial starts two weeks from tomorrow. holy fuck!!
lol. if you don't know that song i feel sorry for you, that is my original emo song (haha i think that's the first time i actually used the word "emo" in a sentence) funny to think i've been getting maudlin to the same song for what, almost 20 years? good lord. i need new music to get depressed to.
Well, i've made it through the birthday celebrations...i know i'm very fortunate to have people in my life that want to do things to celebrate with me, i just wish it could be doing something besides eating. maybe next time i'll insist that we all go play laser tag or something.
as it is, i'll be spending at least three days undoing last week's damage, which blows. but, i'm teaching two extra classes this week, so that's something.
goals for tomorrow:
coffee
sugar free red bull
diet pepsi
nothing before noon
700 calories max
teach class- burn 550
my trial starts two weeks from tomorrow. holy fuck!!
Friday, November 12, 2010
make way for the chunkster
ugh. the thing about birthdays is they make me wish i'd never been born.
so. much. food. birthday lunches, birthday dinners, birthday cake, birthday fat. honestly, i just can't eat like that anymore - even if i wanted to!! after a lifetime of snacks and minimeals i just don't have it in me to plow through three or four courses. Who eats like this?!?!
so i'm super full and physically distended and uncomfortable. and i probably didn't eat much by "normal" standards but it feels like enough to feed a small village. and i have one more dinner to get through. one more. i feel like a marathoner struggling to get through her last mile. just. one. more.
then sunday - back to business as usual. i can't wait!! i'm already thinking about my meal plans for sunday and monday. monday i know will be hardly anything because i'll be super busy at work...the upside of being overworked, i guess. i'll have to eat a little something because i teach that night but probably nothing else.
PLUS! the mother in law is leaving monday....hallelujaaaaaah! i can get back to not eating on my own time instead of being polite and making up damn excuses all the fucking time.
just. one. more.
so. much. food. birthday lunches, birthday dinners, birthday cake, birthday fat. honestly, i just can't eat like that anymore - even if i wanted to!! after a lifetime of snacks and minimeals i just don't have it in me to plow through three or four courses. Who eats like this?!?!
so i'm super full and physically distended and uncomfortable. and i probably didn't eat much by "normal" standards but it feels like enough to feed a small village. and i have one more dinner to get through. one more. i feel like a marathoner struggling to get through her last mile. just. one. more.
then sunday - back to business as usual. i can't wait!! i'm already thinking about my meal plans for sunday and monday. monday i know will be hardly anything because i'll be super busy at work...the upside of being overworked, i guess. i'll have to eat a little something because i teach that night but probably nothing else.
PLUS! the mother in law is leaving monday....hallelujaaaaaah! i can get back to not eating on my own time instead of being polite and making up damn excuses all the fucking time.
just. one. more.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
birthday spankings
yep yep it's my birthday today. i'm old enough to not tell people how old i am.
this has been a weird few weeks. i have had my anniversary, my birthday and i'll have my AA anniversary soon. and let me tell you, i feel kinda blah about all of it. now, something you should know about me, is i'm usually such a sap for this kind of stuff, i mean i usually milk it all for all it's worth. now? i just want to hide and cry.
actually that's what i did last night. i came home from work, said hi to my MIL (who is still here *growl*) and went into our bedroom, crawled under the covers and hid. and cried. for no reason - at least not for any reason i could think of. i really hate it when my emotions make no sense. except that's all the time.
i gave a verbal bitchslap to this douche at work. he's another attorney and he has such an entitlement complex. he was talking about people that work under me and he was all "well, they'll do whatever i TELL them to do" - and i said "No, they'll do whatever i ASK them to do" - this what at our monthly attorney meeting in front of our boss and all the other attorneys. and now i'm stressing that my boss and co-workers think i'm an ultimate bitch. whatever. i almost don't have the energy to care, but only almost - i'm sure i'll stress about it when trying to sleep tonight.
food is going ok i guess - i'm doing the best i can, what with everyone wanting to go out and eat and whatnot for my birthday. i feel almost resigned to have to refocus again on Sunday. but then, i shouldn't have any more issues until Thanksgiving, which will not be that bad because i'll be preparing for trial and everyone will understand if i don't attend dinner or eat too much.
this has been a weird few weeks. i have had my anniversary, my birthday and i'll have my AA anniversary soon. and let me tell you, i feel kinda blah about all of it. now, something you should know about me, is i'm usually such a sap for this kind of stuff, i mean i usually milk it all for all it's worth. now? i just want to hide and cry.
actually that's what i did last night. i came home from work, said hi to my MIL (who is still here *growl*) and went into our bedroom, crawled under the covers and hid. and cried. for no reason - at least not for any reason i could think of. i really hate it when my emotions make no sense. except that's all the time.
i gave a verbal bitchslap to this douche at work. he's another attorney and he has such an entitlement complex. he was talking about people that work under me and he was all "well, they'll do whatever i TELL them to do" - and i said "No, they'll do whatever i ASK them to do" - this what at our monthly attorney meeting in front of our boss and all the other attorneys. and now i'm stressing that my boss and co-workers think i'm an ultimate bitch. whatever. i almost don't have the energy to care, but only almost - i'm sure i'll stress about it when trying to sleep tonight.
food is going ok i guess - i'm doing the best i can, what with everyone wanting to go out and eat and whatnot for my birthday. i feel almost resigned to have to refocus again on Sunday. but then, i shouldn't have any more issues until Thanksgiving, which will not be that bad because i'll be preparing for trial and everyone will understand if i don't attend dinner or eat too much.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
goals goals goals
Mondays are much easier to handle if i have some goals to think about:
1. Get up at 6am and be to work before 7am.
2. do not eat one morsel before noon.
3. 600 cal max day
4. Teach class - burn 550 calories.
5. Make to-do list at work and check at least two items off
Ok, now i feel a little more ready to take on the week!
1. Get up at 6am and be to work before 7am.
2. do not eat one morsel before noon.
3. 600 cal max day
4. Teach class - burn 550 calories.
5. Make to-do list at work and check at least two items off
Ok, now i feel a little more ready to take on the week!
munchies
i've got the muchies. *sigh* not in the pot smoking way, but just in general. nothing that a bag of 100 calorie popcorn can't fix. drowning in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter calorie free spray. mmmm. nothing better than popcorn smothered in chemicals for a snack.
i have a pretty crazy week coming up at work. i have a trial starting in three weeks so all hell is about to break loose. i'm working with another attorney but i may as well be working by myself. i have sooo much work to do - and what really sucks is i have a whole bunch of other stuff going on as well. if i could just focus on the trial that would be great. but i won't be able to. the week hasn't even started and i already feel pulled in 80 different directions. goodbye sleep, it was nice knowing you.
dinner with my father in law and his girlfriend tonight. we were going to get Indian, but my H is not a fan so we're going Japanese instead - as in Hibachi/teppen-yaki. as in, let's give you so much food you'll explode. ick. there's three eating out episodes that i know about right now - tonight, with my h for my birthday, and with my dad for my birthday. i should be able to plan ahead so there's not too much damage. my progress has slowed but i'm still headed down, thank god. i'm going to add two extra workouts this week as well.
i really need new gym clothes - i've been wearing the same clothes for about 2 years now and they look old and have that sweat rankness that comes from sweating in them for a long period of time. but, no cash. a friend suggested i try the salvation army, but i don't know. buying someone else's gym clothes freaks me out - is that weird?
i have a pretty crazy week coming up at work. i have a trial starting in three weeks so all hell is about to break loose. i'm working with another attorney but i may as well be working by myself. i have sooo much work to do - and what really sucks is i have a whole bunch of other stuff going on as well. if i could just focus on the trial that would be great. but i won't be able to. the week hasn't even started and i already feel pulled in 80 different directions. goodbye sleep, it was nice knowing you.
dinner with my father in law and his girlfriend tonight. we were going to get Indian, but my H is not a fan so we're going Japanese instead - as in Hibachi/teppen-yaki. as in, let's give you so much food you'll explode. ick. there's three eating out episodes that i know about right now - tonight, with my h for my birthday, and with my dad for my birthday. i should be able to plan ahead so there's not too much damage. my progress has slowed but i'm still headed down, thank god. i'm going to add two extra workouts this week as well.
i really need new gym clothes - i've been wearing the same clothes for about 2 years now and they look old and have that sweat rankness that comes from sweating in them for a long period of time. but, no cash. a friend suggested i try the salvation army, but i don't know. buying someone else's gym clothes freaks me out - is that weird?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Well, our anniversary dinner didn't go as well as i had hoped. not because of the food, but because i'm married to a person who occasionally morphs into an asshole. *sigh*
we started to fight, at dinner, about money. we always always always fight about money and how we don't have enough. and it's my fault for two reasons: 1. i have an insane amount of student loans. and by insane i mean INSANE (think over $150K) and 2. two years ago while in the throes of a manic episode i ran up about $20K on my credit cards. in two months. so yes, it is my fault that we don't have much money. but i can't go through the rest of my life being blamed for all our troubles, i just can't.
ugh, i'm up a couple pounds because i've been eating like shit. that's ok cause i'm feeling a little better, a little steadier. i have to be super careful because if i let myself eat like shit a few days in a row then i lose all my footing and my control. but i went to the gym this morning and busted my ass, and i have yet to eat today. it's all good.
they switched out one of my dance classes at the gym and changed it to kickboxing which is great! the dance class burns about 550 calories and the kick class torches about 900, maybe more for me because i'm the instructor and have to be super energentic the whole time. i feel bad for the dance die hards who come to every class, but they still have me two other days a week.
i have two other eating out occasions that i know about right now - tomorrow night and next friday. tomorrow night is Indian which i fucking adore and it will be so hard to contain myself. but is it worth losing all my momentum? heeelllllls no.
we started to fight, at dinner, about money. we always always always fight about money and how we don't have enough. and it's my fault for two reasons: 1. i have an insane amount of student loans. and by insane i mean INSANE (think over $150K) and 2. two years ago while in the throes of a manic episode i ran up about $20K on my credit cards. in two months. so yes, it is my fault that we don't have much money. but i can't go through the rest of my life being blamed for all our troubles, i just can't.
ugh, i'm up a couple pounds because i've been eating like shit. that's ok cause i'm feeling a little better, a little steadier. i have to be super careful because if i let myself eat like shit a few days in a row then i lose all my footing and my control. but i went to the gym this morning and busted my ass, and i have yet to eat today. it's all good.
they switched out one of my dance classes at the gym and changed it to kickboxing which is great! the dance class burns about 550 calories and the kick class torches about 900, maybe more for me because i'm the instructor and have to be super energentic the whole time. i feel bad for the dance die hards who come to every class, but they still have me two other days a week.
i have two other eating out occasions that i know about right now - tomorrow night and next friday. tomorrow night is Indian which i fucking adore and it will be so hard to contain myself. but is it worth losing all my momentum? heeelllllls no.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
tonight, tonight
Today is my third wedding anniversary. it's so crazy to believe - it feels like an eternity. In that three years is a four month breakup as well as 1.5 years of couple's counseling, and we still have a long way to go. i'm glad that we made it this far, but if you had told me this was going to be the case on November 2, 2007 - i think i may have changed my mind. there are so many flaws in this relationship - there are in every relationship, but we've got some pretty big ones. part of me is afraid i'm wasting what's left of my youth in a dead end marriage - that in 20 years i'll have wished i had left today.
*sigh* i know, i should stop being so romantic.
anyway, we're going out to dinner, which of course strikes fear into my heart. are we going to spend our celebration fighting over what i order? or will i bite the bullet and order something besides salad? either way i expect to see a gain in the morning because i didn't make it to the gym today (fuck fuck fuck). problem is, i'm at the point where i really can't order anything with fat anyway, lest i spend the rest of the night in the toilet. who needs laxatives?
i really really want to reach a certain weight by birthday next wednesday. Do you think five pounds is too unrealistic? i don't have much water weight to lose, so it'd pretty much have to be real weight.
hmm.
*sigh* i know, i should stop being so romantic.
anyway, we're going out to dinner, which of course strikes fear into my heart. are we going to spend our celebration fighting over what i order? or will i bite the bullet and order something besides salad? either way i expect to see a gain in the morning because i didn't make it to the gym today (fuck fuck fuck). problem is, i'm at the point where i really can't order anything with fat anyway, lest i spend the rest of the night in the toilet. who needs laxatives?
i really really want to reach a certain weight by birthday next wednesday. Do you think five pounds is too unrealistic? i don't have much water weight to lose, so it'd pretty much have to be real weight.
hmm.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
therapy
i had my weekly appointment with my therapist today. i told him about the dream, leaving out the making out part at the end, lol. telling most of the dream was tough/embarrasing enough, no need to be completely mortified.
i also had another dream last night about people trying to break into my house - he had me close my eyes and tell the story of the dream through the perspective of the person trying to enter. it was an interesting experience, especially given the different emotions that i felt. in my dream, when people were trying to break in i felt panicked, angry, afraid. from the perspective of the invader i felt calm, focused, driven. i don't know what that means - my therapist thinks that they are two competing sides of me - the angry emotional side, and the detached, emotionless side. in my dream the emotional me killed the invader...perhaps i'm trying to get rid of the detachment and disconnection in my life.
my mother in law is still here. she hasn't even been here a week yet and is staying for three. this visit is driving me crazy. our apartment is tiny so everyone's on top of each other. she and my husband bicker back and forth like children, in loud voices and in a different language so it just sounds like noise to me. i want to place my hands over my ears and start singing loudly just to drown them out. plus she will not stop cooking. i'm so sick of making up excuses about why i'm not eating. i'm not feeling well, i just ate, i never eat before the gym or after the gym, yadda yadda yadda. my h and i are very rarely together at mealtimes, so i'm out of practice with the excuses.
i also had another dream last night about people trying to break into my house - he had me close my eyes and tell the story of the dream through the perspective of the person trying to enter. it was an interesting experience, especially given the different emotions that i felt. in my dream, when people were trying to break in i felt panicked, angry, afraid. from the perspective of the invader i felt calm, focused, driven. i don't know what that means - my therapist thinks that they are two competing sides of me - the angry emotional side, and the detached, emotionless side. in my dream the emotional me killed the invader...perhaps i'm trying to get rid of the detachment and disconnection in my life.
my mother in law is still here. she hasn't even been here a week yet and is staying for three. this visit is driving me crazy. our apartment is tiny so everyone's on top of each other. she and my husband bicker back and forth like children, in loud voices and in a different language so it just sounds like noise to me. i want to place my hands over my ears and start singing loudly just to drown them out. plus she will not stop cooking. i'm so sick of making up excuses about why i'm not eating. i'm not feeling well, i just ate, i never eat before the gym or after the gym, yadda yadda yadda. my h and i are very rarely together at mealtimes, so i'm out of practice with the excuses.
Monday, November 1, 2010
woot!
for the first time in god knows how long, i ended the weekend lighter than i started it. this has always been an impossible feat.
it feels fucking awesome.
it feels fucking awesome.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
third job?
and...i've got a job interview at The Limited on Friday. They must really need people, i hadn't even left the mall before they called me to set it up.
i can't believe that i'm trying to get a third job. in retail, of all places. let this be a lesson to you kids - credit cards and student loans are EVIL. Avoid them at all costs.
in happier news - i've hit my lowest weight in awhile. this is definitely good news.
i can't believe that i'm trying to get a third job. in retail, of all places. let this be a lesson to you kids - credit cards and student loans are EVIL. Avoid them at all costs.
in happier news - i've hit my lowest weight in awhile. this is definitely good news.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
sweet dreams
i had a dream last night that i was in my therapist's office. in my dream his office was in his house, but in real life it's in a clinic. the office didn't look anything like his real office, but it felt like the real thing in my dream.
anyway, i dreamed that i had a complete breakdown, the kind that i'm afraid i'm capable of. i've cried in his office before, but it's always been my eyes leaking tears, me fighting them back the whole time. i have this thing where i refuse to accept a kleenex from him. every time my eyes well up, he takes the kleenex box and puts it right in front of me, but i never ever take one. he says it's because i won't allow him to comfort me. i think it's because i don't want to need to, and also because i'm afraid if i take one my subconscious will think it's got free rein to just collapse and i'll lose all control.
anyway, back to the dream. i just...let go. cried so hard i thought my heart was going to explode. i shook from the physical effort and curled myself up into the tightest little ball possible. he came over to me (for some reason i was sitting far away from him) and tried to reach for me. i fought him back, pushed him away, but he broke through. he enveloped me in his arms and i clung to his sweater, soaking it with my tears. he took my face in his hands, and kissed me tenderly.
i never thought i was attracted to him - he is attractive in a distinguished way, with beautiful eyes. but i tend to not be attracted to someone if i know there's no chance in hell that it would happen. he is enormously focused on boundaries - i think he shook my hand when we met and that was it. i also think he might be gay. but now when i think of my dream i get quite a thrill in my ladyparts. but then again, i'm quite sexually frustrated at the moment (but that's another post).
maybe that's why i don't take a kleenex from him. i don't want a flimsy piece of paper. i want my dream.
anyway, i dreamed that i had a complete breakdown, the kind that i'm afraid i'm capable of. i've cried in his office before, but it's always been my eyes leaking tears, me fighting them back the whole time. i have this thing where i refuse to accept a kleenex from him. every time my eyes well up, he takes the kleenex box and puts it right in front of me, but i never ever take one. he says it's because i won't allow him to comfort me. i think it's because i don't want to need to, and also because i'm afraid if i take one my subconscious will think it's got free rein to just collapse and i'll lose all control.
anyway, back to the dream. i just...let go. cried so hard i thought my heart was going to explode. i shook from the physical effort and curled myself up into the tightest little ball possible. he came over to me (for some reason i was sitting far away from him) and tried to reach for me. i fought him back, pushed him away, but he broke through. he enveloped me in his arms and i clung to his sweater, soaking it with my tears. he took my face in his hands, and kissed me tenderly.
i never thought i was attracted to him - he is attractive in a distinguished way, with beautiful eyes. but i tend to not be attracted to someone if i know there's no chance in hell that it would happen. he is enormously focused on boundaries - i think he shook my hand when we met and that was it. i also think he might be gay. but now when i think of my dream i get quite a thrill in my ladyparts. but then again, i'm quite sexually frustrated at the moment (but that's another post).
maybe that's why i don't take a kleenex from him. i don't want a flimsy piece of paper. i want my dream.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
no fear
you know, sometimes it frightens me how easy this is. how i can go a full day without food. how i can go a week on apples and sugar free red bull. how, if there were no other people in my life, i would never eat out. it feels natural, smooth, like it's the way its always been and the way it always will be. i've been doing this for almost two decades and it still hits me sometimes. i really wonder if this is the way i was meant to be. i've had a lot of shit in my life and it's so easy to blame my ED on that, but even if i didn't i think i would still be this way. funny.
i'm not one of those people that whines about how miserable they are and the hell they're in and how they would give anything to recover. between you and me, that's bullshit. i know, because i know the difference between wanting to recover and wanting to stay right where you are. it takes real self acceptance to say, i like this, i like the way i am, i know it's not normal and i know it's not healthy and i'm ok with that. people who want to recover, who really really really want to recover, do. they bust their ass and do whatever it takes to get well, they don't play games/hide food/tell lies/purge secretly/fast for days yet say they want to recover. they tell everyone so they can be help accountable. they sit out in the main room after eating so they can be watched. they do as they're told.
i believe that people who remain sick with an ED do so because some part of them, unconsciously perhaps, likes it. A person does not continue a negative behavoir unless they get some sort of benefit out of it, and that benefit outweights the negative consequences.
i'm an alcoholic. my drinking brought plenty of negative consequences: humiliation, no money, threat of legal action, possibility of hurting someone, and threat to my health. but it also relaxed me, let me escape, loosened me up for social events and made me feel good, at least for a little while. for a real long time, the positive benefits outweighed the negative consequences for me, even though an outsider would probably disagree. i said over and over again how bad my drinking was and how it was ruining my life, and i kept right on drinking. it was only when the scale switched to the negative, when my life was really crumbling around me, that i reevaluated my position. i decided that the brief escapes were not worth it, and i got my ass to AA.
it's about choice and being honest with yourself. with respect to my ED, i don't want to be different. i'm ok with this. maybe that's fucked up, but it's ok with me. the benefits outweigh the negatives.
i'm not one of those people that whines about how miserable they are and the hell they're in and how they would give anything to recover. between you and me, that's bullshit. i know, because i know the difference between wanting to recover and wanting to stay right where you are. it takes real self acceptance to say, i like this, i like the way i am, i know it's not normal and i know it's not healthy and i'm ok with that. people who want to recover, who really really really want to recover, do. they bust their ass and do whatever it takes to get well, they don't play games/hide food/tell lies/purge secretly/fast for days yet say they want to recover. they tell everyone so they can be help accountable. they sit out in the main room after eating so they can be watched. they do as they're told.
i believe that people who remain sick with an ED do so because some part of them, unconsciously perhaps, likes it. A person does not continue a negative behavoir unless they get some sort of benefit out of it, and that benefit outweights the negative consequences.
i'm an alcoholic. my drinking brought plenty of negative consequences: humiliation, no money, threat of legal action, possibility of hurting someone, and threat to my health. but it also relaxed me, let me escape, loosened me up for social events and made me feel good, at least for a little while. for a real long time, the positive benefits outweighed the negative consequences for me, even though an outsider would probably disagree. i said over and over again how bad my drinking was and how it was ruining my life, and i kept right on drinking. it was only when the scale switched to the negative, when my life was really crumbling around me, that i reevaluated my position. i decided that the brief escapes were not worth it, and i got my ass to AA.
it's about choice and being honest with yourself. with respect to my ED, i don't want to be different. i'm ok with this. maybe that's fucked up, but it's ok with me. the benefits outweigh the negatives.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
*phew*
after two days of no food, i'm back to my pre-wedding weekend weight. i wish that i would remember that and not have a panic attack every time i have to eat a little more than normal. it comes right off again, it's just water weight, no big deal, blah, blah blaaaaaaaah. yep. i know it, after years and years i know it, but the panic is still the same. anyway, back to the routine. the MIL may be coming, but i (the scale) will be going (down). yeppers.
i got into an, ahem, argument with my therapist today. i was sick, so i'm already irritated, and when i'm irritated it feels like the whole world is against me. my therapist gave me a worksheet last week to help me connect my emotions to my actions and i wasn't sure about how to do part of it. so, i asked him about it and he said "i don't want to tell you how you should do it." i said "well, this is something that i'm supposed to do to help me" and he said "well no, you're not supposed to do anything." so that was frustration number one. i was struggling with some kind of emotion, but i couldn't figure out what it was. instead of talking to me about it, he gave me a sheet of paper with a list of emotions on it and said for me to find one that worked for me. for some reason, that pissed me off as well. like, i'm to order an emotion off the menu while you sit there?? so that was strike two.
so, i was sitting there, not saying anything because i was pissed. after a few minutes he started writing notes. i asked him what he was writing and he wouldn't tell me because "it wouldn't be helpful." strike three. i went off on him, saying that he was being arrogant and obnoxious. he said that he felt that i must be very frustrated, that he could feel my hurt. i said "oh i'm sure, you understand how i feel but yet you don't feel compelled to ease my hurt." he said "you don't know what i do or do not feel compelled to do, you can't know" with a real edge to his voice.
i have been seeing this guy for over a year and let me tell you, he is unflappable...his demeanor is as still as a mountain lake. the fact that i got a rise out of him means i must have really pissed him off...so i feel guilty and horrible and now i wonder if he hates me and how can i go back now? this is such bullshit.
i went home early today because i'm still not feeling well...but there's no way i can miss work the rest of the week, so i'm just going to have to suffer through it.
i got into an, ahem, argument with my therapist today. i was sick, so i'm already irritated, and when i'm irritated it feels like the whole world is against me. my therapist gave me a worksheet last week to help me connect my emotions to my actions and i wasn't sure about how to do part of it. so, i asked him about it and he said "i don't want to tell you how you should do it." i said "well, this is something that i'm supposed to do to help me" and he said "well no, you're not supposed to do anything." so that was frustration number one. i was struggling with some kind of emotion, but i couldn't figure out what it was. instead of talking to me about it, he gave me a sheet of paper with a list of emotions on it and said for me to find one that worked for me. for some reason, that pissed me off as well. like, i'm to order an emotion off the menu while you sit there?? so that was strike two.
so, i was sitting there, not saying anything because i was pissed. after a few minutes he started writing notes. i asked him what he was writing and he wouldn't tell me because "it wouldn't be helpful." strike three. i went off on him, saying that he was being arrogant and obnoxious. he said that he felt that i must be very frustrated, that he could feel my hurt. i said "oh i'm sure, you understand how i feel but yet you don't feel compelled to ease my hurt." he said "you don't know what i do or do not feel compelled to do, you can't know" with a real edge to his voice.
i have been seeing this guy for over a year and let me tell you, he is unflappable...his demeanor is as still as a mountain lake. the fact that i got a rise out of him means i must have really pissed him off...so i feel guilty and horrible and now i wonder if he hates me and how can i go back now? this is such bullshit.
i went home early today because i'm still not feeling well...but there's no way i can miss work the rest of the week, so i'm just going to have to suffer through it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
dancing with the rock stars?
i am, quite embarrasingly, addicted to the show Dancing with the Stars - at the very least it gives me an opportunity to feel horrible about my body because of all those gorgeous lithe dancers. oh wait, every person in the world gives me that opportunity...but i digress. they are doing a "rock week" and i think it should be renamed "we are scraping the bottom of the barrel" week. What is this, American Idol, where we have to have a weekly theme? Get back to the dancing, people.
i haven't eaten anything today. it was quite easy, actually. funny how even that makes me nervous - like, i must have eaten way too much over the weekend if i wasn't starving today. my MIL arrives Thursday and she will start cooking - schnitzel and latkes, for sure. if i don't eat, i'm rude and hurt her feelings. damn. i may have to spend even more time at work and say i ate there, just to get a break. maybe i can bring her food to work "for lunch" - which means "for the trash."
i'm having dinner with my sponsor tomorrow. i'm supposed to pick something up and bring it to her house. can i just bring something for her? why do i always end up in this fucking situation!!
the world is conspiring to make me FAT. fuck that.
i haven't eaten anything today. it was quite easy, actually. funny how even that makes me nervous - like, i must have eaten way too much over the weekend if i wasn't starving today. my MIL arrives Thursday and she will start cooking - schnitzel and latkes, for sure. if i don't eat, i'm rude and hurt her feelings. damn. i may have to spend even more time at work and say i ate there, just to get a break. maybe i can bring her food to work "for lunch" - which means "for the trash."
i'm having dinner with my sponsor tomorrow. i'm supposed to pick something up and bring it to her house. can i just bring something for her? why do i always end up in this fucking situation!!
the world is conspiring to make me FAT. fuck that.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
ughhhhh
i've come down with a shitty cold. my H had it last week and i knew it was only a matter of time before i got it too. i woke up on friday with a sore throat and i was like....fuuuuuuck. so the whole wedding weekend was spent in a haze of sickness and Sudafed. Ick. i did my best to act normal, i didn't want the bride to know or feel bad that i wasn't feeling well...i think she caught on at brunch this morning but it's hard to act well when you've got kleenex shoved up your nose.
but at least all that is over. i really didn't want to eat because i wasn't feeling well, but put stuff on my plate to play the role of health and picked at it. i'm still afraid to get on the scale, though. ick. i hate food. i hate weight. i hate everything.
my mother in law is coming to visit thursday and is staying three weeks. kill me now. we have such a small apartment that having a guest makes it very cramped. she's a nice lady but doesn't speak much english and it is always awkward to try and talk with her. plus she follows my h around and waits on him hand and foot and it drives me bananas...just contributes to him thinking that i should do that as well (heeeelll no!) plus my h is making noise about bringing her here to live permanently. SHIT NO. i can't. even if she doesn't live with us, i can't have her as a permanent fixture in my life. i don't want a third person in my marriage - it's hard enough as it is. if my h pushes this, it could be a real problem.
i've decided to fast tomorrow - i'm going to take advantage of being sick with no appetite.
but at least all that is over. i really didn't want to eat because i wasn't feeling well, but put stuff on my plate to play the role of health and picked at it. i'm still afraid to get on the scale, though. ick. i hate food. i hate weight. i hate everything.
my mother in law is coming to visit thursday and is staying three weeks. kill me now. we have such a small apartment that having a guest makes it very cramped. she's a nice lady but doesn't speak much english and it is always awkward to try and talk with her. plus she follows my h around and waits on him hand and foot and it drives me bananas...just contributes to him thinking that i should do that as well (heeeelll no!) plus my h is making noise about bringing her here to live permanently. SHIT NO. i can't. even if she doesn't live with us, i can't have her as a permanent fixture in my life. i don't want a third person in my marriage - it's hard enough as it is. if my h pushes this, it could be a real problem.
i've decided to fast tomorrow - i'm going to take advantage of being sick with no appetite.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
wedding weekend
i am staring down my nose at the upcoming weekend and i am filled with dread.
my friend is getting married and i'm the person of honor (i refuse to say the word "matron"). rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, wedding and reception saturday, brunch on sunday. kill me now. gaining five pounds is unavoidable. fuck. plus all the stress and running around and trying to keep her together (she's a bit of a basket case). i've only known this girl about a year so i'm not sure what to say during my toast. my dress makes me look like a fat lump and i can't drink at the reception.
ick. i just want to crawl under the covers.
on thursday my mother in law arrives for her visit. that's a whole 'nother rant.
my friend is getting married and i'm the person of honor (i refuse to say the word "matron"). rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, wedding and reception saturday, brunch on sunday. kill me now. gaining five pounds is unavoidable. fuck. plus all the stress and running around and trying to keep her together (she's a bit of a basket case). i've only known this girl about a year so i'm not sure what to say during my toast. my dress makes me look like a fat lump and i can't drink at the reception.
ick. i just want to crawl under the covers.
on thursday my mother in law arrives for her visit. that's a whole 'nother rant.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
well, as expected...
...my sister's visit has cost me money and calories. i don't know which i despise more. calories, probably. i'd be ok being broke if i were just a bit thinner.
oh well - that's that much more work to do this week. i've got the wedding on saturday so my h won't raise an eyebrow if i squeeze in extra workouts or stick to salad. special goals for this week include - drink 1L of water a day and avoid salt and carbs. i'm not an atkins worshipper, but most of my mini meals are carb loaded (lo cal granola bar, saltines, popcorn, etc) and they do cause you to retain water a bit...so it's a special event atkins fling.
i am going to try my absolute damnedest to not weigh myself in the morning - it'll just depress me. i'll give myself a couple days to pee/sweat out all the water weight i've gained over the weekend before the moment of truth.
oh well - that's that much more work to do this week. i've got the wedding on saturday so my h won't raise an eyebrow if i squeeze in extra workouts or stick to salad. special goals for this week include - drink 1L of water a day and avoid salt and carbs. i'm not an atkins worshipper, but most of my mini meals are carb loaded (lo cal granola bar, saltines, popcorn, etc) and they do cause you to retain water a bit...so it's a special event atkins fling.
i am going to try my absolute damnedest to not weigh myself in the morning - it'll just depress me. i'll give myself a couple days to pee/sweat out all the water weight i've gained over the weekend before the moment of truth.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
sister's here!
i'm so glad she's here! i picked her up at the airport today but i must have been in la la land when she came though the gate because somehow i missed her - i ended up tracking her down in the baggage claim. i felt really embarrased - i was there and everything to welcome her, but god knows where my head was.
we went to lunch and then went apple picking. Lunch was ok - i got a thai curry and left most of it on my plate. thing is, the amount i had could actually carry me through the rest of the day, but she and my husband are probably expecting dinner at some point, so i'll have to cook something. and probably pick at it.
damn. i love her, but i hate having company for this reason. it's so much easier to get away with skipping meals if i'm not a companion to someone who eats normally.
i think we may be going to a haunted hayride tonight - i'm so excited! i'm 30 years old and i'm excited about a hayride...lol, i'm so lame.
we went to lunch and then went apple picking. Lunch was ok - i got a thai curry and left most of it on my plate. thing is, the amount i had could actually carry me through the rest of the day, but she and my husband are probably expecting dinner at some point, so i'll have to cook something. and probably pick at it.
damn. i love her, but i hate having company for this reason. it's so much easier to get away with skipping meals if i'm not a companion to someone who eats normally.
i think we may be going to a haunted hayride tonight - i'm so excited! i'm 30 years old and i'm excited about a hayride...lol, i'm so lame.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
feeling exhausted
it's so funny - the crazier work gets, the more meetings and conferences i have to go to, which leaves me less time in my office to actually DO my work!! it's nuts...so i have to go in 2-3 hours early just so i can have some quiet time at my desk to get stuff accomplished. crazy. and i'm thinking about getting a third job?? that's even crazier....but i'm broke....daaaaamn.
i told my MD that i wanted to return to weekly visits...well, more accurately he asked me if i was still thinking it over, i said yes, that i thought i wanted to but i still had some reservations, and he said great! when are you free next week? so that's that. he seemed to ignore/not hear the "reservations" part which pissed my off and made me want to change my mind, but that wouldn't punish him, that'd punish me - i'm learning to tell the difference.
my sister is coming to visit this weekend, which makes me very happy! but stressed...visits means spending money, and calories - two things i can not afford. i saw a number on the scale this morning that i hadn't seen in awhile and it made me very happy. i just can't bear to think about another setback. plus she loves to shop shop shop and it's so hard to keep my credit card in my pocket - but that credit card is why i'm looking at getting a third job! fuck fuck fuck. plus the holidays are coming....argh! i hate money.
i'm beat - i'm still stepping up the workouts and my body hates me for it - but if there are going to be calorie issues this weekend i need to take every precaution possible. plus i have the wedding next weekend and i'm the person of honor so that means i'll be in eighty bejillion pictures. *sigh*
i told my MD that i wanted to return to weekly visits...well, more accurately he asked me if i was still thinking it over, i said yes, that i thought i wanted to but i still had some reservations, and he said great! when are you free next week? so that's that. he seemed to ignore/not hear the "reservations" part which pissed my off and made me want to change my mind, but that wouldn't punish him, that'd punish me - i'm learning to tell the difference.
my sister is coming to visit this weekend, which makes me very happy! but stressed...visits means spending money, and calories - two things i can not afford. i saw a number on the scale this morning that i hadn't seen in awhile and it made me very happy. i just can't bear to think about another setback. plus she loves to shop shop shop and it's so hard to keep my credit card in my pocket - but that credit card is why i'm looking at getting a third job! fuck fuck fuck. plus the holidays are coming....argh! i hate money.
i'm beat - i'm still stepping up the workouts and my body hates me for it - but if there are going to be calorie issues this weekend i need to take every precaution possible. plus i have the wedding next weekend and i'm the person of honor so that means i'll be in eighty bejillion pictures. *sigh*
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
signs i've not restricted enough
1. if i don't feel shaky
2. if i can shower without feeling like i'm going to pass out
3. i can sleep
4. i poop every once in awhile
5. i didn't lose weight
yeah....whatever. i'm working on it. i hit my lowest weight in awhile this morning, so i can't complain too much.
i see my psychMD tomorrow. ever since i stopped regular weekly sessions, i've been seeing him once a month. after seeing my life go to shit the past few months, he's offered to let me come back to weekly sessions...i feel pretty conflicted about whether i want to. i think i need to, i think it would probably help, i just...i dunno...i feel like it means failure, like i couldn't make it on my own, i feel like i'm a lame ass if i need help, why can't i just be strong and do it on my own? why do i fall and fail every damn time??
but to be honest part of me also wants to say no so i can continue on this destructive path. do i really prefer starving my brains out and beating my body into submission over a chance at a normal life? i think i do.
2. if i can shower without feeling like i'm going to pass out
3. i can sleep
4. i poop every once in awhile
5. i didn't lose weight
yeah....whatever. i'm working on it. i hit my lowest weight in awhile this morning, so i can't complain too much.
i see my psychMD tomorrow. ever since i stopped regular weekly sessions, i've been seeing him once a month. after seeing my life go to shit the past few months, he's offered to let me come back to weekly sessions...i feel pretty conflicted about whether i want to. i think i need to, i think it would probably help, i just...i dunno...i feel like it means failure, like i couldn't make it on my own, i feel like i'm a lame ass if i need help, why can't i just be strong and do it on my own? why do i fall and fail every damn time??
but to be honest part of me also wants to say no so i can continue on this destructive path. do i really prefer starving my brains out and beating my body into submission over a chance at a normal life? i think i do.
Monday, October 11, 2010
day off
Well, i have the day off from my day job anyway...i teach my class at the gym tonight, but even if i didn't i'd be there to work out so at least i'm getting paid to be there.
the weekend wasn't so great, food wise - but i'm fairly certain the couple pounds i gained were from water weight - so that will shed pretty easily and i'll see the numbers go down again, thank god. i should be able to sweat most of it out tonight and tomorrow.
i'm dreading going back to work tomorrow - i may have made a pretty bad mistake last Friday, but i won't know until i talk to my supervisor tomorrow...it's been hanging over my head this whole weekend which sucks because i wasn't really able to enjoy it. i just wish i could learn to let stuff go, life would be a lot more peaceful if i could...and also if i could stop basing my entire self worth on what others think. that would be splendid.
the weekend wasn't so great, food wise - but i'm fairly certain the couple pounds i gained were from water weight - so that will shed pretty easily and i'll see the numbers go down again, thank god. i should be able to sweat most of it out tonight and tomorrow.
i'm dreading going back to work tomorrow - i may have made a pretty bad mistake last Friday, but i won't know until i talk to my supervisor tomorrow...it's been hanging over my head this whole weekend which sucks because i wasn't really able to enjoy it. i just wish i could learn to let stuff go, life would be a lot more peaceful if i could...and also if i could stop basing my entire self worth on what others think. that would be splendid.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
new home
i've moved to Blogger from Wordpress - i'm hoping i like it better over here.
today was shit as far as eating goes. i made my dad his birthday dinner, but his real birthday present was me eating it with him. now i'm going to have to eat as little as humanly possible the next few days to make up for it. like i don't do that already, heh.
i also gotta take the exercise up - i already exercise every day, and sometimes twice a day...but on days i teach i just go for my class - i think i'm going to start working out beforehand, maybe lift weights for 30 min and 30 min on the treadmill - and then teach my class? hmmm...i'll start slow, i don't want to run out of energy before my class.
ok - here's what my planned exercise for the week is:
Monday - 30 min weights, 30 min cardio, teach class
Tuesday - AM spinning class, weights
Wed - step class, weights
Thurs - teach class, take spinning (?)
Fri - 1 hr run
Sat - step class, weights
Sun - cardio, teach class
my weight loss has really slowed down and it's pissing me the fuck off. i'm showing my fat ass who's boss.
today was shit as far as eating goes. i made my dad his birthday dinner, but his real birthday present was me eating it with him. now i'm going to have to eat as little as humanly possible the next few days to make up for it. like i don't do that already, heh.
i also gotta take the exercise up - i already exercise every day, and sometimes twice a day...but on days i teach i just go for my class - i think i'm going to start working out beforehand, maybe lift weights for 30 min and 30 min on the treadmill - and then teach my class? hmmm...i'll start slow, i don't want to run out of energy before my class.
ok - here's what my planned exercise for the week is:
Monday - 30 min weights, 30 min cardio, teach class
Tuesday - AM spinning class, weights
Wed - step class, weights
Thurs - teach class, take spinning (?)
Fri - 1 hr run
Sat - step class, weights
Sun - cardio, teach class
my weight loss has really slowed down and it's pissing me the fuck off. i'm showing my fat ass who's boss.
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