sweet dreams

i had a dream last night that i was in my therapist's office.  in my dream his office was in his house, but in real life it's in a clinic.  the office didn't look anything like his real office, but it felt like the real thing in my dream.

anyway, i dreamed that i had a complete breakdown, the kind that i'm afraid i'm capable of.  i've cried in his office before, but it's always been my eyes leaking tears, me fighting them back the whole time.  i have this thing where i refuse to accept a kleenex from him.  every time my eyes well up, he takes the kleenex box and puts it right in front of me, but i never ever take one.  he says it's because i won't allow him to comfort me.  i think it's because i don't want to need to, and also because i'm afraid if i take one my subconscious will think it's got free rein to just collapse and i'll lose all control.

anyway, back to the dream.  i just...let go.  cried so hard i thought my heart was going to explode.  i shook from the physical effort and curled myself up into the tightest little ball possible.  he came over to me (for some reason i was sitting far away from him) and tried to reach for me.  i fought him back, pushed him away, but he broke through.  he enveloped me in his arms and i clung to his sweater, soaking it with my tears.  he took my face in his hands, and kissed me tenderly.

i never thought i was attracted to him - he is attractive in a distinguished way, with beautiful eyes.  but i tend to not be attracted to someone if i know there's no chance in hell that it would happen.  he is enormously focused on boundaries - i think he shook my hand when we met and that was it.  i also think he might be gay.  but now when i think of my dream i get quite a thrill in my ladyparts.  but then again, i'm quite sexually frustrated at the moment (but that's another post).

maybe that's why i don't take a kleenex from him.  i don't want a flimsy piece of paper.  i want my dream.