*phew*

after two days of no food, i'm back to my pre-wedding weekend weight.  i wish that i would remember that and not have a panic attack every time i have to eat a little more than normal.  it comes right off again, it's just water weight, no big deal, blah, blah blaaaaaaaah.  yep.  i know it, after years and years i know it, but the panic is still the same.  anyway, back to the routine.  the MIL may be coming, but i (the scale) will be going (down).  yeppers.

i got into an, ahem, argument with my therapist today.  i was sick, so i'm already irritated, and when i'm irritated it feels like the whole world is against me.  my therapist gave me a worksheet last week to help me connect my emotions to my actions and i wasn't sure about how to do part of it.  so, i asked him about it and he said "i don't want to tell you how you should do it."  i said "well, this is something that i'm supposed to do to help me" and he said "well no, you're not supposed to do anything." so that was frustration number one.  i was struggling with some kind of emotion, but i couldn't figure out what it was.  instead of talking to me about it, he gave me a sheet of paper with a list of emotions on it and said for me to find one that worked for me.  for some reason, that pissed me off as well.  like, i'm to order an emotion off the menu while you sit there??  so that was strike two.

so, i was sitting there, not saying anything because i was pissed.  after a few minutes he started writing notes.  i asked him what he was writing and he wouldn't tell me because "it wouldn't be helpful."  strike three.  i went off on him, saying that he was being arrogant and obnoxious.  he said that he felt that i must be very frustrated, that he could feel my hurt.  i said "oh i'm sure, you understand how i feel but yet you don't feel compelled to ease my hurt."  he said "you don't know what i do or do not feel compelled to do, you can't know" with a real edge to his voice.

i have been seeing this guy for over a year and let me tell you, he is unflappable...his demeanor is as still as a mountain lake.  the fact that i got a rise out of him means i must have really pissed him off...so i feel guilty and horrible and now i wonder if he hates me and how can i go back now?  this is such bullshit.

i went home early today because i'm still not feeling well...but there's no way i can miss work the rest of the week, so i'm just going to have to suffer through it.