resolutions

of course, this time of year always gets me thinking about the year to come.  what do i want to be different?  what do i want to improve?  what can i work on to be a better person?  and of course, how much thinner can i get?

of course my initial thoughts are "ok, i'll make a resolution to never eat ever again and to exercise 23 hours a day!" but even i know that's ridiculous.  i suppose that's the mixed blessing of being at this for so long.

i really want to think about this so i'm not going to commit to anything yet.  but i'd love to hear what ideas you're having, if any.  perhaps i'll be inspired!

Merry Christmas...

....and happy festivus to the rest of us!

my day was nice - last night t and i went to visit my FIL and his girlfriend at their place, had dinner and exchanged gifts.  this morning we got up, had our christmas, then my dad and his gf came over.  we exchanged gifts, then we all went over to her daughter's for dinner.  lots of running around but not too bad.  i just hate that ever since my dad started dating this woman, spending holidays with him means spending the holidays with her extended family.  most of them are nice (though there is one real dickhead) but it's all awkward small talk, plus they're all drinking and i'm not.  she doesn't believe in tv, so there's not even that distraction.  but, it's over and now i can relax...i'm taking monday and tuesday off work and hopefully i'll actually be able to enjoy it and not stress about work and what i might be missing.

there was food fucking everywhere at her place though.  i was always sure to have food on a plate in front of me, which helps people leave me alone.  though it sucks to have food right there, i made sure it wasn't anything i liked too much.  since i have mon and tues off i'm planning on fasting.  i'll skip the gym so i can really get away with having nothing.

t got me undies from victoria's secret - i think it's my favorite present, he's never bought me lingerie before.  i told him that i needed it (which is true) so he didn't come up with it entirely on his own, but he picked them out :-)

i went into work both days this weekend.  that sucked.  however, there is an end in sight - this week should be the last totally insane one.  i'm actually taking next monday and tuesday off and i'm so excited i could cry.

i keep having dreams about overdosing on meds, and not by accident.  i have attempted suicide four times in my life, and they have all been through OD-ing on meds.  the last time was in 2006, so a long ways back, but apparently my subconscious has been dwelling on it a bit.  it's probably been triggered by my MD putting me on a sleep med, i really didn't want to go on it...i've worked so hard to get down to just one med and now i'm back at two...but that's probably why i've got meds on the brain.  i've thought about bringing it up at my next session but there are a few things that could happen:

1.  my MD will decide i can't be trusted with the meds
2.  he will ask me if i'm suicidal and i'm not quite sure if i want to have that discussion
3.  he will insinuate that maybe it's a sign that i want to get sicker, to regress, to go back to the hospital merry-go-round

i'm not particularly interested in any of those outcomes.

my friend is getting her masters in exercise science and she's designing a workout plan for me as a project - holla!!  besides the obvious "lose weight" goal that i'm not telling her about - i want to be able to do 25 pushups from the toes...i have no upper body strength whatsoever, so i told her that's what i want to improve (and it's true!).  but now i have to keep two food journals...a real one and a fake one for her *sigh* but i'm all about the professional weightlifting advice!  right now i can do about a half a pushup from the toes, and maybe five from the knees...so i have a lot of progress to make.  i love goals though, you know that! ;-)

random thoughts

holidays are supposed to be joyous times, but have you ever noticed that at least half of the Christmas music around is about loneliness and longing?

i had my therapy appointment this afternoon - i snuck out of work at about 3:45...i don't know why i feel bad, i've worked at least 12 hours a day every day this week.  i usually go at my lunch but for various reasons that didn't work this week.  anyway, it was nice, his office is very warm and homey, it felt very cozy with it being dark outside.  i was able to keep things light, which i know isn't really the point of therapy, but it was what i needed.  this week has felt so heavy, a huge weight on me.  it was nice to just chat about random things.  i'm going to have to work this weekend which sucks, but i've arranged to take the monday and tuesday after christmas off, and i am far more excited than i thought i would be when i planned this way back.  now, i am practically giddy - i have a few major things due monday and tuesday (hence the working weekend) but once that's passed i should be good.

i was telling my MD about how i don't have any judgment of my own.  i never feel like i can make a decision by myself, i always have to ask a ton of people and find out from them what to do.  he asked whether i didn't have any judgment of my own, or was it that i just didn't trust my judgment...and that is it.  i know what i want (for the most part) but i'm always convinced that what i want is wrong for whatever reason.  anyone else is more justified, more "right" in their opinions than i could ever be.  i always hated that - it makes me paralyzed in decision making, especially when i get different opinions from different people, which is almost always.  then what?  and who do i piss off by not following their advice?  or what if it's a private thing that i can't really discuss?  THEN what??

MD says it's a question of me being comfortable in my own skin.  i asked whether that would ever happen.  he said he's seen strong movement towards that goal since he's known me.  i wish i could see it from his perspective, because i don't feel it at all.

i can't believe it's only Tuesday

Tuesday??  between yesterday and today i've worked 25 hours.  i feel like i've worked a week already.  the thing that really pisses me off is that i spend so much time cleaning up other people's shit that i don't have time to do my own work, so i have to come in at 5am in the fucking morning just so i can make a dent in my own stuff.

i hate this shit.  and the firm last week said i should hear something at the start of this week.  with each day that passes, i'm feeling less and less likely that things went my way.

the only upside of stress: lack of both time and desire to eat.  however, when i'm stressed i also don't drop weight as easily even though eating less comes naturally.  i think my body knows it's in battle mode and is hanging on to every fucking fat cell i have.  at this rate i'll never meet my new year's goal - but i have to think positive!!  if i didn't have to go to work so early i could go to spin class....shit.  maybe i can sneak out and go to a step class in the afternoon and then go back to work refreshed.  i always lose faster if i can get in more exercise than usual...but the weather is a factor as well, i don't want to be driving in a blizzard.

goddamn it.  why is life getting in the way of my weightloss??!  i need something to keep me happy and keep me going through all this...

bummed

man, i have been in a funk lately.  like, really, really down.  i'm just feeling so overwhelmed lately, everything just seems too hard, too exhausting.  i don't know if it's the stress with work, or my marriage - it's not going very well at all for various reasons - or if it's just me.  i am really withdrawing from people, i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything.  i'm just blah.

tomorrow i have to teach, but i'm planning on staying under 500.  i just want to drop weight, i don't even really care about anything else anymore.

slacking

wow, feels like ages since i've written....i always want to write, but by the time i finally get home from work and the gym, i feel like i can barely move.

i had a job interview on Wednesday for a private firm.  Right now, i work for the government.  i like my job ok - well, i like the people i work with, for the most part.  over the past year, my job has gotten more and more stressful and i'm working longer and longer hours.  i was underpaid before this year, but there's just no way i'm paid enough now for all that extra stress.  i've always been afraid of going to work in the private sector because it's notoriously stressful, but i don't think it would get much worse than the level i'm at now, and then at least i'd be paid decently.

i honestly don't know how the interview went - i think i did ok, but it was me and five older male attorneys, and they didn't seem particularly enthusiastic.  it's hard to tell, maybe it's just them and their personalities.  i'm usually pretty good in an interview and i can get people to relax and laugh with me, but they certainly had their poker faces on.  part of me really wants it because of the extra money, part of me is terrified that i'll get it and have to make a change - i've been at my current work almost four years and i'm finally starting to feel like i might know a little bit about what i'm doing, and at least i feel comfortable going to my co-workers for help....the thought of starting over with a bunch of strangers makes me want to puke.

but the fact that i'm handling this at all is good - i was telling my therapist earlier this week - this time four years ago i was sitting in a psych ward, on so much medication i couldn't hold my head up and couldn't walk straight.  so, at least i'm not there.

i've set a weight goal for New Year's Day - most people wait til New Year's to start a diet...i want to meet my goal by then so i can drop even lower.  i need to drop ten pounds - 10 pounds in about 20 days, i think if i stay focused and bust my ass i can do it.  the only thing about this shitty weather is i can't run outside if for some reason i can't get to the gym....i need to work on my upper body strength - i've been trying to increase my plank time, and i think i have the ab strength but my upper body/shoulders just can't hold myself up.  i should try and do planks every day - that should help me improve.

12/6 meal plan

Ok, here's the plan:

Coffee
Sf RedBull
oatmeal with cranberries - 300
Lean Cuisine - 300

teach class - burn 550

50 net calories for the day!

here's a few pics of Esther Canadas for ya - have a great week all!

i love planning

it must be my type A personality coming through...or my wannabe type A, anyway.

tomorrow i teach in the morning, so that should burn about 550 calories. then i'm going to come home and t and i are going to clean the apartment, hopefully skipping breakfast in the process. coffee throughout the day, then a small dinner. my goal is to start on Monday where i left off on Friday. then the real fun begins...and the sad thing is, i mean that genuinely...stay tuned.

i have a bad sephora habit...one just opened up near me a couple months, and it really is my happy place. last week as a treat before the trial i got myself:

and....

The bronzer is absolutely fabulous...i've always had a hard time with bronzer, it always made me look like i had orange stripes on my face...that's what cheap drugstore stuff will do to you.  i got a good brush, lightly got some powder on it and lightly dusted all over my face and down my neck and viola!  a nice little glow...i've very psyched!

The pencil is great too...one side is a lip liner, which i probably won't use much, but the other side is like a giant crayon to color in your lips.  It goes on really nice, but i added just a touch of chapstick on top so i could rub my lips together and blend it all in.

it's over

and thank god for that. there were four claims, we won on three and lost on one, so it was a 75% win, lol. although any loss is still a loss in my boss's eyes so that sucks big donkey dong.

i lost one of my followers. that makes me sad :(

i actually lost weight during the trial which was most excellent, and surprising. i wouldn't eat all day, due to nerves or stress or no time, then come home and mow down. i assumed that i would gain because of the nighttime eating but i guess it all evened out with a deficit, so that's great. now that the trial is over i can turn my attention back to my plan, which always helps take the anxiety down anyway.

i just checked my bank account and i'm overdrawn...fuck fuck fuckitty fuck.