i went into work both days this weekend. that sucked. however, there is an end in sight - this week should be the last totally insane one. i'm actually taking next monday and tuesday off and i'm so excited i could cry.
i keep having dreams about overdosing on meds, and not by accident. i have attempted suicide four times in my life, and they have all been through OD-ing on meds. the last time was in 2006, so a long ways back, but apparently my subconscious has been dwelling on it a bit. it's probably been triggered by my MD putting me on a sleep med, i really didn't want to go on it...i've worked so hard to get down to just one med and now i'm back at two...but that's probably why i've got meds on the brain. i've thought about bringing it up at my next session but there are a few things that could happen:
1. my MD will decide i can't be trusted with the meds
2. he will ask me if i'm suicidal and i'm not quite sure if i want to have that discussion
3. he will insinuate that maybe it's a sign that i want to get sicker, to regress, to go back to the hospital merry-go-round
i'm not particularly interested in any of those outcomes.
my friend is getting her masters in exercise science and she's designing a workout plan for me as a project - holla!! besides the obvious "lose weight" goal that i'm not telling her about - i want to be able to do 25 pushups from the toes...i have no upper body strength whatsoever, so i told her that's what i want to improve (and it's true!). but now i have to keep two food journals...a real one and a fake one for her *sigh* but i'm all about the professional weightlifting advice! right now i can do about a half a pushup from the toes, and maybe five from the knees...so i have a lot of progress to make. i love goals though, you know that! ;-)
I have no upper body strength either, you can do it hon. =( I hope that you don't hurt yourself or act on your dreams. You're so loved and cared for. <3<3 Be safe.
ReplyDeleteI think the no upper body strength is really common in girls lol... When I used to swim all the time I could do a few, but still not as many as I would have liked.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really great goal though, to improve on push ups.
I hope you get everything figured out with the meds. I know what you mean about not wanting to be on them...I was on like 8 pills a day when I hurt my knee, and even though some were just pain killers... I hated that I had to rely on them everyday..im only on one pill now for anxiety, but I still hate it. Sorry for rambling haha.
Maybe the dreams are just a reminder of the past, and how strong you have become from all of it. You have been through so much, yet you have made it sooo far. You know that we are always here for you if you need anything :)
Love
Kels
I think you should tell your doctor sweetie, maybe he will surprise you and tell you smt helpful.
ReplyDeleteIt´s great that your friend is designing you an exercise plan!
xx