random thoughts

holidays are supposed to be joyous times, but have you ever noticed that at least half of the Christmas music around is about loneliness and longing?

i had my therapy appointment this afternoon - i snuck out of work at about 3:45...i don't know why i feel bad, i've worked at least 12 hours a day every day this week.  i usually go at my lunch but for various reasons that didn't work this week.  anyway, it was nice, his office is very warm and homey, it felt very cozy with it being dark outside.  i was able to keep things light, which i know isn't really the point of therapy, but it was what i needed.  this week has felt so heavy, a huge weight on me.  it was nice to just chat about random things.  i'm going to have to work this weekend which sucks, but i've arranged to take the monday and tuesday after christmas off, and i am far more excited than i thought i would be when i planned this way back.  now, i am practically giddy - i have a few major things due monday and tuesday (hence the working weekend) but once that's passed i should be good.

i was telling my MD about how i don't have any judgment of my own.  i never feel like i can make a decision by myself, i always have to ask a ton of people and find out from them what to do.  he asked whether i didn't have any judgment of my own, or was it that i just didn't trust my judgment...and that is it.  i know what i want (for the most part) but i'm always convinced that what i want is wrong for whatever reason.  anyone else is more justified, more "right" in their opinions than i could ever be.  i always hated that - it makes me paralyzed in decision making, especially when i get different opinions from different people, which is almost always.  then what?  and who do i piss off by not following their advice?  or what if it's a private thing that i can't really discuss?  THEN what??

MD says it's a question of me being comfortable in my own skin.  i asked whether that would ever happen.  he said he's seen strong movement towards that goal since he's known me.  i wish i could see it from his perspective, because i don't feel it at all.