1. if i don't feel shaky
2. if i can shower without feeling like i'm going to pass out
3. i can sleep
4. i poop every once in awhile
5. i didn't lose weight
yeah....whatever. i'm working on it. i hit my lowest weight in awhile this morning, so i can't complain too much.
i see my psychMD tomorrow. ever since i stopped regular weekly sessions, i've been seeing him once a month. after seeing my life go to shit the past few months, he's offered to let me come back to weekly sessions...i feel pretty conflicted about whether i want to. i think i need to, i think it would probably help, i just...i dunno...i feel like it means failure, like i couldn't make it on my own, i feel like i'm a lame ass if i need help, why can't i just be strong and do it on my own? why do i fall and fail every damn time??
but to be honest part of me also wants to say no so i can continue on this destructive path. do i really prefer starving my brains out and beating my body into submission over a chance at a normal life? i think i do.
If you feel you need to go, then go. Just once. If you feel you need to go again, then go again. But you aren't alone, I would never accept help for this...I'm too stubborn and some day it might be too late, it's like it's our problem and we're big girls and we can do it our selves, anything less is weak...right? -hugs- Do what you think is best for you. One visit couldn't hurt right?
ReplyDeleteHey hun. Just started following you from PT. I completely and 100% understand the feeling of wanting to be normal but almost unwillingly choosing to go in the other direction. I hope your appointment went well. <3
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