breathe, girl, just breathe...

happy thanksgiving to all! hopefully you find it in your heart to be thankful for YOU, that you are here and there are people out there (like me!) that are also thankful for you.

my trial starts in four days and i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. i am terrified, i don't feel at all prepared...i want to head for the hills so bad. i am someone who always wants to plan and to know what exactly is going to happen, and that never ever happens with a trial...there are too many variables with witnesses, judge, jury, opposing counsel...it's a ten ring circus...

i've hardly slept for days...i went to therapy on Tuesday and i told my psychMD up front, hey, i haven't slept in a long time and when i don't sleep i'm super emotional. he said "good," i said "i knew you would think that" and proceeded to burst into tears. and cried for the whole hour. i don't think he got two words in, i just went on and on. keep in mind, i never cry for more that two minutes during a session, but this was insanity.

at the end, he asked my opinion about taking a sleeping pill. this guy NEVER wants to resort to medication - which is fine with me, i take a mood stabilizer, that's it...so if he's suggesting meds then i must have looked in pretty bad shape, which is kinda embarrasing. anyway, i refused, i said i didn't want anything. he asked why, and i explained that first of all, about three years ago when i was in and out of the hospital, i was on a list of meds longer than my arm and it took forever to get down to the one, and also i just feel like i shouldn't need anything else! yes, i'm bipolar and there's a chemistry problem, but we're talking about fucking sleep here, i should be able to at least do that without chemical help. besides, what's the difference between that and drinking to fall asleep?

anyway, one of the oft-recurring themes in my therapy is self acceptance (as in, i need to learn some), this apparently includes accepting help, help from him and help from a pill. i won't even accept a kleenex from him, i'd rather sit there and be a snotty mess than take an offered tissue, this is the complex i have about accepting help and support. so, as a growing experience, i filled the prescription. and let me tell you, i haven't slept through the night like that since the last time i took a med for sleeping, about two years ago. i don't really know what to think about that...

anyway, enough babbling...hope you enjoy your day! anyone braving the black friday crowds tomorrow? i will be working all day, so i won't be having any shopping fun :(