Happy Easter...

....if you celebrate, Happy Sunday if you don't.

i've been kind of lost in my emotions lately, it's really been a wild rollercoaster.  there are gaps in my memory and all i can really remember is a haze of food and toilets, a razor here and there, and taking amb.ie.n to try to pass out.

i think things might be clearing up a bit though, which is good.

i was invited to my dad's gf's daughter's house for easter.  it was nice of them, but i'm not going.  i really don't have much in common with them and i'm not up to questions about where my husband is.  at least, not yet.  struggling through the afternoon without cocktails sounds miserable, especially when they will all be drinking.  my dad and his gf are stopping by to "drop something off" before they go, i hope its not candy.

but it is really nice of them.

trying to get myself together

at least i'm trying.  second weekend alone is going a little better than the first...i've been able to rein in the b/p a bit, and i still have managed to not take a drink.  i honestly can't believe i'm still sober.  if you had asked me a year ago whether i would be able to stay sober if my husband and i broke up, i would have said HELL NO.  but here i am...i've got a year and almost five months sober, i really don't want to start over.

i went to the grocery store yesterday.  it is so strange to go grocery shopping and not get t's usual stuff.  i stood by the cucumbers and had to remind myself that i didn't need to get any, i don't eat them.  it was so sad, i almost started bawling in the produce section.  anyway as i was walking to check out i took a look in my cart and thought "this is the shopping cart of a single person"  this is what i had:

four weight watchers smart ones
four yogurts
three cups of instant oatmeal
diet root beer
grapes
oranges

nothing that would remotely be involved in cooking a real meal.  i tried to explain to t so many times, if i lived alone i wouldn't cook.  he never understood why it didn't occur to me to cook dinner without him asking about it.

ok

It's Monday, and it's time for the pity party to be over.  i b/p'd all weekend and my weight has ballooned, likely due to a boatload of water retention.  The good news is that b/c it's water it should go down in a few days, it's not *real* weight.

Plan for today:
teach class and lift weights
calorie goal of 1200.  it's a little higher than i try to shoot for, but my stomach is likely stretched out like crazy so i need to gradually cut down back to normal.

weekend

he packed some stuff and went to stay with his dad.

i've been alone in this apartment all weekend long.  bad news.