Monday

845 calories today, plus i taught a class.  good day - hoping so bad for a loss tomorrow, i need the confidence boost.

Did my three hours at the gym yesterday - two classes and weight lifting. I also did about a mile on the treadmill, just to see how my legs felt. As is the case every dreary winter, my cabin fever manifests itself through thinking about races i will run this summer. Never mind that i actually hate to run and it bores me to death. I like bragging right, lol. I did a 10 miler last year, so the next distance is the half marathon - 13.1 miles. That is scary as hell. I just don't know if i will be able to do it, physically. I already work out 15 hours a week, and i can't (don't want to) give up anything in my workout schedule, so i'd have to somehow find the energy for 4-5 additional hours of running, more when it gets closer to the race. I think to think i'm superwoman, but even i'm unsure about this.



915 cals yesterday, 548 so far today.

Pissed

Over calories today, and i gained a pound. I am so fucking pissed about it. Had a shitty day at work too. Fuck.

At least tomorrow's Saturday. 3 hour gym workout day.

thursday calories

oatmeal - 320
soup - 200
popcorn - 100
babybel cheese - 50
yogurt and granola - 250

920 for the day - 20 over my goal :( but still pretty close...

i love new plans!

So, i'm focusing in on my current goal to lose ten more pounds.  My ultimate goal is to lose ten more after that to reach a low that i haven't been in my adult life.  i'm may be totally crazy for doing this but i just *need* to know that i can get there.

So, Wednesdays are the only days i don't work out, so this is my super low day:

chicken soup - 300 c
sugar free red bull - 15
coffee - 0
babybel light cheese - 50
popsicle - 50

415 for the day, and i'm done.

i'd really like to be down ten in a month, that's kinda ambitious but i need instant gratification :)

ahhhh...sundays

i just love Sundays...i teach my class in the morning, and am a lazy ass the rest of the day, usually with a nap or two.  i think my husband gets frustrated with me because i never want to do anything or run any errands but i just can't.  i work out so much during the week that my body is just exhausted and i feel like i can't move.  of course i have to go down to the basement (i live on a 2nd floor apt) for about a million loads of laundry, and each trip takes me longer than the last, lol.  but for the most part i am just a bum.

my pushups are coming along nicely though - i'm still on my knees but i'm getting closer to the ground :)

i told my psychMD that i wanted to stop the Ambien, he asked why, and i told him because i was tripping in between taking the med and actually falling asleep.  i don't know if he was playing dumb to make me think or not, but he was like "what's wrong with that?"  he said it's doing its job, i'm taking it under supervision, so if there's a pleasureable side to it why not enjoy it?  i guess i see his point, i have such black and white thinking, but i'm afraid that i'm enjoying it too much, and that that enjoyment is a threat to my sobriety.  like, ok, if i'm ok with this, then what?  maybe a pill here or there for fun?  and then maybe swipe one of my husband's vicodin every so often?  and then back to drinking because, oh well i'm using anyway?  i'm so afraid of ending up back where i started, even if that's at the expense of more black and white thinking.

so. exhausted.

my body is so fucking beat.

between last Thursday and today I have taught eight times.  plus the idiot in me decided to kick my own ass with my new kettlebell last night.  so during class tonight i could barely hold my hands up - not a good thing in a kickboxing class - need to be able to use arms for the "boxing" part.

had therapy today.  i told my therapist i wanted to stop taking the Ambien he put me on last month.  who cares if i can't sleep?  it is making me trip all over the place, and by trip i mean hallucinations, walking into walls, blackouts.  and i'm enjoying it.  it scares me, it makes me miss drinking more, it makes me think how else i can get high.  i need to get it out of my house before i really fuck up my sobriety.

it is so ironic that i am desperate to get it out of my house, because here i sit, less than six feet away from a stockpile of medication that could kill a herd of horses.  it's all leftover medication from when i discontinued various prescriptions.  i haven't touched it in years, but i need it there.  just in case.  which is stupid, if i wanted to OD i could find a million things in the store to OD on (and have OD'd on Aleve and nearly died) but i can't let go of my stockpile. 

my therapist said it would be a step forward in my recovery if i could get rid of it.  but i can't, the very thought of it makes me so anxious.  i'm sure i would be ok and once it was done i'd be like, that wasn't so hard.  but i still can't.

i am beat.

i've taught four classes in the last three days, and have five more to go before bedtime Tuesday.  after i got out of the shower today i had to blow dry my hair with my elbow propped on the counter holding the hair dryer, and my head bent down to meet it, the hair dryer was too heavy, lol.  i think a hot bath is in my future.

i bought a kettlebell today, which i'm pretty psyched about.  although i live at the gym, i don't have much in the way of home fitness equipment.  it'll be great to be able to do some weightlifting even when i'm being lazy watching tv.  i'm so determined to get strong this year.  i'm very fortunate in that my muscles are toned and shaped, but there's not much actual strength there - i'm going to fix that.  but it will have to be on hold until my teaching schedule goes back to normal, right now i couldn't lift a thing even if i wanted to.

i met my goal of weighing less on Monday than last Friday - which makes me soooooo happy!

sometimes this feels just too damn easy.  exercising instead of feeling. absentmindedly fingering my collarbone. calculating numbers upon numbers upon numbers.  i've been doing this for so long it is like second nature, but i will be honest and say sometimes it is still a struggle.

but not now.

tomorrow

ok, here's the plan for tomorrow:

food:

coffee
SF RedBull if i can make it to the store before work
lean cuisine (300)
mini bagel with natural peanut butter (250)

exercise: teach class (-550)

So, hopefully a net of zero!

Made it through my class ok today, but came home and was sooooo tired, so i took a three hour nap.  saw a great number on the scale this morning though so it was totally worth it!!  it might go up in the morning because i had some soy sauce today on my veggies (salt) but i'll be taking a hot bath tonight so maybe not!

well, week one of  2011 is in the books.

so far, so good, i think.  i've worked on my pushups and planks, and worked out M, T, Th, today, and will tomorrow.  i worked out for three hours today, my legs are throbbing and my hamstrings feel supertight.  i hope i don't run out of steam when teaching my class tomorrow, that's always the worst feeling.  i'll be 15 minutes in and feel like i just. can't. go. on.  of course, i do, but will sometimes switch my playlist and do easier music, which really isn't fair to the class.  i always say i won't do it again, but of course i do.  my goal is to start Monday lighter than i was on Friday - that is so hard for me, even though i don't eat much on the weekends, it's still more than during the week so my body is like "helloooooo food and water weight!!  let me hang on to you for awhile!"

has anyone seen any good movies lately?  i have netflix but i can't seem to find anything that looks interesting.  i don't do movies that are really scary or stupid funny.

New year, here we go...

Funny, it's a new year, but i don't really feel any different.  usually i feel inspired, motivated to change things in my life, but it feels like just another day.  In a sense that's all that it really is, but it's nice to have a little perspective on the year that's been and the year to come.

In 2010, i:

1.  Got a new boss and made it through a very stressful year at work
2.  Was sober the entire year
3.  Ended group therapy
4.  Ended individual therapy but started it back up again
5.  Closed my old Diaryland account and opened this one to start fresh :)
6.  Ran my longest distance race ever (10 miles), ran the Warrior Dash (3.5 mi obstacle course) and Race for the Cure, did my first sub-30 min 5K
7.  Worked on my marriage and am still with my husband
8.  Did not increase my credit card debt

My goals for 2011:

1.  Get down to a new low weight.
2.  Eat more protein, at least 50g a day minimum
3.  Be able to do ten pushups from the toes, touching my nose to the ground
4.  Get a better paying job
5.  Pay off old auto loan and credit card with the lowest balance


i'm sure i'll add more, but that's what i'm thinking about right now.