my body is so fucking beat.
between last Thursday and today I have taught eight times. plus the idiot in me decided to kick my own ass with my new kettlebell last night. so during class tonight i could barely hold my hands up - not a good thing in a kickboxing class - need to be able to use arms for the "boxing" part.
had therapy today. i told my therapist i wanted to stop taking the Ambien he put me on last month. who cares if i can't sleep? it is making me trip all over the place, and by trip i mean hallucinations, walking into walls, blackouts. and i'm enjoying it. it scares me, it makes me miss drinking more, it makes me think how else i can get high. i need to get it out of my house before i really fuck up my sobriety.
it is so ironic that i am desperate to get it out of my house, because here i sit, less than six feet away from a stockpile of medication that could kill a herd of horses. it's all leftover medication from when i discontinued various prescriptions. i haven't touched it in years, but i need it there. just in case. which is stupid, if i wanted to OD i could find a million things in the store to OD on (and have OD'd on Aleve and nearly died) but i can't let go of my stockpile.
my therapist said it would be a step forward in my recovery if i could get rid of it. but i can't, the very thought of it makes me so anxious. i'm sure i would be ok and once it was done i'd be like, that wasn't so hard. but i still can't.
No comments:
Post a Comment