wtf?

t said that there is one way i can get out of the marriage painfree:

if we host a ceremony with all our family and friends, and i say in front of everyone that the marriage ending is all my fault and that i am impossible to deal with in relationships.  this confession will be recorded and i will sign it as well.

is he fucking crazy??

i saw my therapist today.  he wants to take me out of work, a medical leave of absence.  i said "i'm not sick, i'm sad."  he said "no, you're sick"

i can't miss work, i have an insane april coming up.

it's still over

things are rough around here.  he's made threats and laid on the guilt.  and he refuses to even discuss how to dissolve the relationship.

i can't stop eating.  this issue is going to make me enormous.

the end

i told my husband our marriage was over.  i can't move out yet because i don't have any money, but it's over.  i can't take him yelling at me anymore.

i want to b/p all day long.  topped off with a nice long cutting session.  and a bottle of tequila. 

i need to get out of here.

don't know what to do

i don't think i want to be married anymore.  but i can't afford to live by myself.  and i can't afford a divorce lawyer.

yesterday's calories

yesterday i ended up at 1000.  i was 750 up until i was about to teach my class, but i felt really nauseated and i was worried about passing out during class, so i had a cliff bar.  i worked out twice yesterday, so i'm sure my net calories for the day was 750, most likely lower than that, but i am pissed at myself.  i'm so angry with my body - why are you so weak?!  why do you threaten me to keel over if i don't give you food when others can fast for days and days. 

ugh, i'm working out tonight, not teaching....so i don't care if i'm dizzy, if i feel like i'm gonna pass out i can just leave.  750.

Starting the week off good

My team lost last night.  Boo.  Oh well, the Yanks opening day is a little more than a week away - Go Yankees!

Got up at 5:30 (!) this morning, went to the gym and ran three miles, which took me about 35 minutes.  i wish i was faster!!  i've been about an 11-12 minute miler since i started running years ago.  it's like my body just refuses to move my legs any faster.  It's the same pace uphill, downhill, sideways, backwards, whatever, lol.  Also did pushups and abs - one of the cool things about teaching is that i have all these conditioning tracks pre-programmed with set routines, so i just put on one of the songs and get to work.

we're bringing in new material in my classes, so my brain is totally fried trying to learn them.  New music, new moves, 20 songs.  when it gets close to launch i'll be listening to nothing but class music nonstop - i really hate that part.

going to shoot for 750 today, that might be ambitious considering that i still have to teach class tonight, but i'm going to give it a shot.  i need to up my level of dedication or i am going to be this weight forever.

sunday night

i'm been watching basketball obsessively this weekend - i just love the NCAA tournament.  My team is still in and they play tonight so hopefully they'll still be in the next time i write.

i suffered through my class this morning - holy cow was i in pain...and the worst is still to come, i always get second day soreness.  i'm going to go to the gym for a run in the morning sore or not so hopefully whatever lactic acid is built up in my legs will work itself out.  Then i'm back at the gym at night to teach my class.  hmmmm.  it's been awhile since i did two-a-days.

i have a friend who's a bit of a stalker.  and when i say "a bit" i mean "huge."  part of the reason i prefer to run in the morning, even if i'm going to be at the gym at night is that she's at the gym at night.  she joined this gym because it's the one i work at, and she takes all my classes.  ALL of them.  but she doesn't take anyone else's class, so it's not like she just likes classes.  but anyway, if she finds out i'm running, she's going to want to train WITH me.  she's going to want to run the race WITH me.  have i mentioned she's a stalker?  oh yeah, and she works with me, that's how we met.  she comes into my office about 5 times a day just to "hang out" even though i'm swamped.  she's a nice girl, but i just want to punch her sometimes.  and now i have to run on the sly.  whatever, i can lift in the morning too.

so i'm gonna shoot for 750 tomorrow - but it has to be carefully planned.  i think i'll need a protein smoothie after my workout, so that's 250.  cliff bar before class, another 250.  so i can have something at around noon or 1 that is about 250.

training

the race that i'm training for has group training runs on Saturdays for long runs, and this was the first week.  i had done 3 mi up to today (this round of training) and i was expecting the training run to be around 5 - guess what, it was 6.  yikes.  but i did it, and i actually had a great pace and it felt pretty good.  but after about two hours i could barely walk, my hip flexor is killing me.  it's not muscle soreness (that will be kicking my ass tomorrow night and Monday) but i must have tweaked something running up those hills.  ick.  and i have to teach in the morning.

weight is still pissing me off and going NOWHERE.  i'm so frustrated with myself, i know i only have myself to blame...i'm not going to be in denial and say "oh i'm doing everything i can, why can't i lose weight" because that's bullshit.  i'm slacking on controlling the calories.  if i really wanted it i would be better at it.  and i really want it.  so i will be better.  and thinner.

looking back and looking ahead

last week was ok, i feel like i've got the reins again and am in control.  could've done better, but of course that's always the case.

i changed my mind (again!) and i've decided to do a couple races this season.  the first one is on May 1st - a ten miler that's almost entirely uphill.  i did it last year and it's a real bitch - but hey, takes one to know one!  i got some cold weather gear so i can run outside in the mornings and not be stuck on the treadmill.  although, i did run on the treadmill over the weekend and i think i'm actually better at it now than i used to be.  problem always was, i don't run in a straight line, haha, so treadmills were always very dangerous.  but there was no problem on Saturday, so that's good.  A good thing about this race is that there are official training runs on Saturdays for the long runs, so i don't have to worry about where i'm gonna be running and how i'm going to get the miles in.  the downside is there goes my saturday morning mega-workouts, but i think i can make the switch for 6 weeks :)

so here's the exercise plan for the week:

M - 3mi run AM, teach class PM
T - kickboxing class PM
W - 3mi run AM
Th - teach kick class PM
F - 3mi run AM
Sat - 5mi run AM
Sun - teach class

i'm definitely going to have to up my protein, and probably my glutamine as well.

tuesday

yesterday i took in 1100 calories, today 985.  i got my workouts in both days.

i'm just lifting tomorrow, so i'm going to do my damndest to stay under 500.

ok trying to keep my head above water

i really don't want to slip into a deeper depression so i need a good week to help get my confidence back.

Here's the plan:

Monday:
900 calories, lift, teach class

Tuesday:
900 calories, lift, take class

Wednesday:
450 calories, lift

Thursday:
900 calories, teach class

Friday:
650 calories, lift

Saturday:
800 calories, 2 classes, lift

Sunday:
750 calories, teach class

by the end of the week i should be back to the weight i was before i lost control.  i am going to be much more meticulous about recording intake, when i get lazy about that is when i get off track.  i'm also setting a goal of two large water bottles a day.

this will be depressing

i'm just warning you ahead of time.

i feel so fucking lonely.  yes, i am married and i love my husband, but we don't have one of those superclose, let's share every breath together, can't live without you relationships that disney and danielle steel novels promise.  i have a couple friends whom i hardly see, and one friend that is up in my grill 24/7 and i wish i could get rid of her.  but i don't feel like i connect with anyone, and i don't feel like i know how.  that was one of my favorite things about drinking, going out with people, really feeling like i connected in a social way and felt understood (even though it was the alcohol doing the conencting), now i just feel awkward and uncomfortable and i never ever know what to say.  so even in a big group, i feel like i'm on a lonely island.

plus, of course, i hate my fucking body.  but more than that, i hate my fucking inability to achieve my goals.  i look in the mirror or look down at my body and i see fat, i thus see failure.  to me, it should be simple math: Goal = desire + dedication.  i'm missing out on one or both, otherwise i would BE at my goal, or at least on my way!!!  so much time has gone by, journal entries going back months and months say i'm around the same weight as now.  something needs to change or i'm going to lose my mind.

i've stopped home after work before going to the gym to teach.  usually i'll bring my clothes with me and go straight to the gym from work, but i'm not teaching until 7:30 (subbing) and that's a lot of extra time at the gym, even for me.  i don't like to do cardio before i teach a class, i need to be as fresh as possible, so i've come home instead.  it's odd to be here at 6pm.

i made this rice noodle dish with shrimp and veggies for t to have when he gets home.  it's pretty low cal, it's only got a bit of soy sauce for flavor.  i feel like a bad wife, i really don't cook very much.  if i lived alone i would never cook.  t has started reaching for pizza if there's nothing to eat and that is horrible for me, so better to try and make something to keep other bad food out of the house.

i have been feeling very much like a failure lately.  i haven't lost any notable weight in ages.  i have 20 pounds to go to get to my all time low.  i want it so bad!   what is my problem??!