one more week

this time next week, it will all be over. the trial, over. if anyone out there is thinking about becoming a lawyer, please don't. unless you're the top of your law school class you won't make decent money, and no amount of money is worth this misery anyway. plus you're also miserable because of the insane amount of school debt you have. don't do it.

i feel like a zombie.

so, if i win the trial, do i celebrate with a drink? (background: i'm an alkie, have been in AA, just hit my one year anniversary). i can practically taste it - an ice cold martini has my name written all over it. i've been sober over a year, now i know i CAN stay sober...the next question is, do i WANT to stay sober? hmmm....

we're not gonna talk about food now, mmmkay? be prepared for a post next sunday about getting my ass back in gear.

breathe, girl, just breathe...

happy thanksgiving to all! hopefully you find it in your heart to be thankful for YOU, that you are here and there are people out there (like me!) that are also thankful for you.

my trial starts in four days and i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack. i am terrified, i don't feel at all prepared...i want to head for the hills so bad. i am someone who always wants to plan and to know what exactly is going to happen, and that never ever happens with a trial...there are too many variables with witnesses, judge, jury, opposing counsel...it's a ten ring circus...

i've hardly slept for days...i went to therapy on Tuesday and i told my psychMD up front, hey, i haven't slept in a long time and when i don't sleep i'm super emotional. he said "good," i said "i knew you would think that" and proceeded to burst into tears. and cried for the whole hour. i don't think he got two words in, i just went on and on. keep in mind, i never cry for more that two minutes during a session, but this was insanity.

at the end, he asked my opinion about taking a sleeping pill. this guy NEVER wants to resort to medication - which is fine with me, i take a mood stabilizer, that's it...so if he's suggesting meds then i must have looked in pretty bad shape, which is kinda embarrasing. anyway, i refused, i said i didn't want anything. he asked why, and i explained that first of all, about three years ago when i was in and out of the hospital, i was on a list of meds longer than my arm and it took forever to get down to the one, and also i just feel like i shouldn't need anything else! yes, i'm bipolar and there's a chemistry problem, but we're talking about fucking sleep here, i should be able to at least do that without chemical help. besides, what's the difference between that and drinking to fall asleep?

anyway, one of the oft-recurring themes in my therapy is self acceptance (as in, i need to learn some), this apparently includes accepting help, help from him and help from a pill. i won't even accept a kleenex from him, i'd rather sit there and be a snotty mess than take an offered tissue, this is the complex i have about accepting help and support. so, as a growing experience, i filled the prescription. and let me tell you, i haven't slept through the night like that since the last time i took a med for sleeping, about two years ago. i don't really know what to think about that...

anyway, enough babbling...hope you enjoy your day! anyone braving the black friday crowds tomorrow? i will be working all day, so i won't be having any shopping fun :(

Christina Aguilera is performing on tv - i've always loved her voice and her music, but all i can think is "damn, she looks chunky."

i suck.

T minus one week

My trial starts a week from Monday...let the real stress begin (as if last few weeks haven't been stressful!).  i'm at Barnes n Noble with my laptop and all my notes...i feel like i'm back in law school.  Starting about a week before finals, i practically moved into Starbucks.  By semester's end i was sick to death of the library so i would show up at 5am when they opened, push a bunch of tables together (which earned me several dirty looks over the course of the day) and spread out a shitton of books, outlines, study guides, my laptop, etc.  drank so much coffee that i couldn't keep my hands steady (although that might also have been stress) and studied until my brain melted...hobbled out of there around 7pm or so to go home and crash and do it again the next day.  Finals in law school make you wish you'd never been born, i should remember that when i'm stressed out now...it could be way worse...although there's always the chance of making an ass of yourself in front of a judge, jury, and your boss, and losing the trial, and getting fired....maybe i should stop trying to think of worse things.

thanksgiving.  ugh.  between food stress and work stress i am not looking forward to it.  here's the deal: ever since my dad started dating his girlfriend, spending the holidays with him means spending the holidays with her entire extended family.  they are nice and all, but honestly the last thing i want to do on a holiday is make awkward small talk with these people.  without alcohol in my system.  that plus the stress of the trial made the idea of thanksgiving with these people unbearable.  so, i pled with my h to skip it this year, instead the two of us are going to dinner someplace.  he was fine with it and i thought everything was set.

then he spoke to his mom.  when she was here, she had gone to lunch with dad's gf, who proceeded to tell her that if my h and i didn't come to Thanksgiving then i could forget about seeing my dad at Christmas, she would insist that they go see her family that lives in Connecticut.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Seriously, who does that!?  She is clearly manipulative, but why would she say that to my MIL??  This is also the woman who told her during her last visit that she thought i was spoiled rotten.  i am really starting to hate this woman.  so, i can either do what i want and have some peace and quiet this thursday, or i can bend to her stupid little games and get to see my dad on christmas.  and the shitty thing is, he would go along with whatever she wanted, even if it meant not seeing me on christmas, especially since he has no clue about her stupid manipulative shit.  even if he did, it wouldn't matter.  he has always gone for manipulative domineering bitches.  and the children always lose.  when he married my mom she all but forbade him from contact with my sister (from his previous marriage) and now it's looking the same again.

in therapy my psychMD is really trying to get me to focus on doing what i want, instead of what i think will make others happy and therefore will not hate or ostracize me.  how the hell can i do what i want (stay home on thursday) if it means losing out later?

i hate this shit.

she's gone

my MIL has left after a three week visit.  praise be, she's gone.  i already feel my anxiety level falling.  the last week i've been fighting back tears and now i just feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted.  she's a nice lady, but three weeks of an extra person in an apartment that's really only big enough for one person is tooooo much.  especially when you're someone like me who needs a lot of alone time and personal space.

i told my h that i need at least a year before her next visit.  she was here three times in the last year, each time for three weeks.  enough is enough.

i'm having a really hard time getting back on track and it's driving me nuts.  i would give anything to be one of those people that can't eat when she's stressed...i'm just the opposite, when i'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed i want to mow down everything in sight, anything, just to not feel the anxiety...which of course leads to purging which leads to more awful feelings....sigh.  strict restriction is the only way for me to stay out of the b/p cycle but it's so hard when i'm this stressed!!  purging nonstop will only make it worse...i just need a couple under-250 days and i'll be good as new.

tomorrow:

teach in the morning - burn 550
coffee/sfrb
one lean cuisine

Ooooooh life. is bigger.

bigger than you...and you are not me...the lengths that i will go to...the distance in your eyes...oh no i've said too much...i set it up...

lol.  if you don't know that song i feel sorry for you, that is my original emo song (haha i think that's the first time i actually used the word "emo" in a sentence)  funny to think i've been getting maudlin to the same song for what, almost 20 years?  good lord.  i need new music to get depressed to.

Well, i've made it through the birthday celebrations...i know i'm very fortunate to have people in my life that want to do things to celebrate with me, i just wish it could be doing something besides eating.  maybe next time i'll insist that we all go play laser tag or something.

as it is, i'll be spending at least three days undoing last week's damage, which blows.  but, i'm teaching two extra classes this week, so that's something.

goals for tomorrow:

coffee
sugar free red bull
diet pepsi
nothing before noon
700 calories max
teach class- burn 550

my trial starts two weeks from tomorrow.  holy fuck!!

make way for the chunkster

ugh.  the thing about birthdays is they make me wish i'd never been born.

so. much. food.  birthday lunches, birthday dinners, birthday cake, birthday fat.  honestly, i just can't eat like that anymore - even if i wanted to!!  after a lifetime of snacks and minimeals i just don't have it in me to plow through three or four courses.  Who eats like this?!?!

so i'm super full and physically distended and uncomfortable.  and i probably didn't eat much by "normal" standards but it feels like enough to feed a small village.  and i have one more dinner to get through.  one more.  i feel like a marathoner struggling to get through her last mile.  just. one. more.

then sunday - back to business as usual.  i can't wait!!  i'm already thinking about my meal plans for sunday and monday.  monday i know will be hardly anything because i'll be super busy at work...the upside of being overworked, i guess.  i'll have to eat a little something because i teach that night but probably nothing else.

PLUS! the mother in law is leaving monday....hallelujaaaaaah!  i can get back to not eating on my own time instead of being polite and making up damn excuses all the fucking time.

just.  one.  more.

birthday spankings

yep yep it's my birthday today.  i'm old enough to not tell people how old i am.

this has been a weird few weeks.  i have had my anniversary, my birthday and i'll have my AA anniversary soon.  and let me tell you, i feel kinda blah about all of it.  now, something you should know about me, is i'm usually such a sap for this kind of stuff, i mean i usually milk it all for all it's worth.  now?  i just want to hide and cry.

actually that's what i did last night.  i came home from work, said hi to my MIL (who is still here *growl*) and went into our bedroom, crawled under the covers and hid.  and cried.  for no reason - at least not for any reason i could think of.  i really hate it when my emotions make no sense.  except that's all the time.

i gave a verbal bitchslap to this douche at work.  he's another attorney and he has such an entitlement complex.  he was talking about people that work under me and he was all "well, they'll do whatever i TELL them to do" - and i said "No, they'll do whatever i ASK them to do" - this what at our monthly attorney meeting in front of our boss and all the other attorneys.  and now i'm stressing that my boss and co-workers think i'm an ultimate bitch.  whatever.  i almost don't have the energy to care, but only almost - i'm sure i'll stress about it when trying to sleep tonight.

food is going ok i guess - i'm doing the best i can, what with everyone wanting to go out and eat and whatnot for my birthday.  i feel almost resigned to have to refocus again on Sunday.  but then, i shouldn't have any more issues until Thanksgiving, which will not be that bad because i'll be preparing for trial and everyone will understand if i don't attend dinner or eat too much.

goals goals goals

Mondays are much easier to handle if i have some goals to think about:

1.  Get up at 6am and be to work before 7am.
2.  do not eat one morsel before noon.
3.  600 cal max day
4. Teach class - burn 550 calories.
5. Make to-do list at work and check at least two items off

Ok, now i feel a little more ready to take on the week!

munchies

i've got the muchies.  *sigh*  not in the pot smoking way, but just in general.  nothing that a bag of 100 calorie popcorn can't fix.  drowning in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter calorie free spray. mmmm.  nothing better than popcorn smothered in chemicals for a snack.

i have a pretty crazy week coming up at work. i have a trial starting in three weeks so all hell is about to break loose.  i'm working with another attorney but i may as well be working by myself.  i have sooo much work to do - and what really sucks is i have a whole bunch of other stuff going on as well.  if i could just focus on the trial that would be great.  but i won't be able to.  the week hasn't even started and i already feel pulled in 80 different directions.  goodbye sleep, it was nice knowing you.

dinner with my father in law and his girlfriend tonight.  we were going to get Indian, but my H is not a fan so we're going Japanese instead - as in Hibachi/teppen-yaki.  as in, let's give you so much food you'll explode.  ick.  there's three eating out episodes that i know about right now - tonight, with my h for my birthday, and with my dad for my birthday.  i should be able to plan ahead so there's not too much damage.  my progress has slowed but i'm still headed down, thank god.  i'm going to add two extra workouts this week as well.

i really need new gym clothes - i've been wearing the same clothes for about 2 years now and they look old and have that sweat rankness that comes from sweating in them for a long period of time.  but, no cash.  a friend suggested i try the salvation army, but i don't know.  buying someone else's gym clothes freaks me out - is that weird?

Well, our anniversary dinner didn't go as well as i had hoped.  not because of the food, but because i'm married to a person who occasionally morphs into an asshole.  *sigh*

we started to fight, at dinner, about money.  we always always always fight about money and how we don't have enough.  and it's my fault for two reasons: 1. i have an insane amount of student loans.  and by insane i mean INSANE (think over $150K) and 2. two years ago while in the throes of a manic episode i ran up about $20K on my credit cards.  in two months.  so yes, it is my fault that we don't have much money.  but i can't go through the rest of my life being blamed for all our troubles, i just can't.

ugh, i'm up a couple pounds because i've been eating like shit.  that's ok cause i'm feeling a little better, a little steadier.  i have to be super careful because if i let myself eat like shit a few days in a row then i lose all my footing and my control.  but i went to the gym this morning and busted my ass, and i have yet to eat today.  it's all good.

they switched out one of my dance classes at the gym and changed it to kickboxing which is great!  the dance class burns about 550 calories and the kick class torches about 900, maybe more for me because i'm the instructor and have to be super energentic the whole time.  i feel bad for the dance die hards who come to every class, but they still have me two other days a week.

i have two other eating out occasions that i know about right now - tomorrow night and next friday.  tomorrow night is Indian which i fucking adore and it will be so hard to contain myself.  but is it worth losing all my momentum?  heeelllllls no.

tonight, tonight

Today is my third wedding anniversary.  it's so crazy to believe - it feels like an eternity.  In that three years is a four month breakup as well as 1.5 years of couple's counseling, and we still have a long way to go.  i'm glad that we made it this far, but if you had told me this was going to be the case on November 2, 2007 - i think i may have changed my mind.  there are so many flaws in this relationship - there are in every relationship, but we've got some pretty big ones.  part of me is afraid i'm wasting what's left of my youth in a dead end marriage - that in 20 years i'll have wished i had left today.

*sigh*  i know, i should stop being so romantic.

anyway, we're going out to dinner, which of course strikes fear into my heart.  are we going to spend our celebration fighting over what i order?  or will i bite the bullet and order something besides salad?  either way i expect to see a gain in the morning because i didn't make it to the gym today (fuck fuck fuck).  problem is, i'm at the point where i really can't order anything with fat anyway, lest i spend the rest of the night in the toilet.  who needs laxatives?

i really really want to reach a certain weight by birthday next wednesday.  Do you think five pounds is too unrealistic?  i don't have much water weight to lose, so it'd pretty much have to be real weight.

hmm.

therapy

i had my weekly appointment with my therapist today.  i told him about the dream, leaving out the making out part at the end, lol.  telling most of the dream was tough/embarrasing enough, no need to be completely mortified.

i also had another dream last night about people trying to break into my house - he had me close my eyes and tell the story of the dream through the perspective of the person trying to enter.  it was an interesting experience, especially given the different emotions that i felt.  in my dream, when people were trying to break in i felt panicked, angry, afraid.  from the perspective of the invader i felt calm, focused, driven.  i don't know what that means - my therapist thinks that they are two competing sides of me - the angry emotional side, and the detached, emotionless side.  in my dream the emotional me killed the invader...perhaps i'm trying to get rid of the detachment and disconnection in my life.

my mother in law is still here.  she hasn't even been here a week yet and is staying for three.  this visit is driving me crazy.  our apartment is tiny so everyone's on top of each other.  she and my husband bicker back and forth like children, in loud voices and in a different language so it just sounds like noise to me.  i want to place my hands over my ears and start singing loudly just to drown them out.  plus she will not stop cooking.  i'm so sick of making up excuses about why i'm not eating.  i'm not feeling well, i just ate, i never eat before the gym or after the gym, yadda yadda yadda.  my h and i are very rarely together at mealtimes, so i'm out of practice with the excuses.

woot!

for the first time in god knows how long, i ended the weekend lighter than i started it.  this has always been an impossible feat.

it feels fucking awesome.