sunday

last week was nuts.  i applied so many places, and i had an interview, this one is for a firm in town.  the interview went well, but they low-balled me on salary.  i told them my number, so we'll see if they come back.

i also met with a divorce attorney, who was a real jackass.  no wonder people hate lawyers.  he knew i was a lawyer yet STILL tried to take advantage of me.  see ya later, jackass.

Eating has been all over the place.  One day is 200 calories, next is 1800.  i was dropping pretty well, but i have put a couple back on.  and i have not been working out besides teaching my classes.  i signed on to do a 77.7 mile relay in april, so i need to get back into running.

Lifetime is airing this series called "Starving Secrets" about people with eating disorders, Tracy Gold is trying to help them.  i would have been all over that show a few years ago, i was obsessed with anything and everything ED, anything i could use as a trigger.  now, i tried to watch it and i can't.  it just seemed so exploitative.  even though Tracy is known for having an ED, it just seemed so contrived.   She's not trying to help people, she's putting on a damn TV show.

don't need help with being triggered anyway.

sooo tired

this week has been such a roller coaster.  i'm sorry i haven't been updating.  i was interviewing for a job that if i got i was going to have to start Dec 19th - in Florida!!!  I was freaking out about having to move to FL in under 2 weeks.  Plus my H was kicking up his shit again.  i wish i didn't get so stressed out...i didn't sleep for three days because i was worrying so much, and when that happens i pretty much walk around constantly in tears, which makes me pretty useless.

but i didn't get the job, and i decided before i heard that if i did get it i would turn in down.  once i got to that point i was able to calm down a little, but just getting to decisions like that makes me lose my mind.

there's a judge in san diego that's interested for a job that starts in march...and i have an interview at a firm in town next week...those i could handle.

how easy to forget..

i was feeling very strange today, and i couldn't figure out why.  kinda sick, but not too bad, just weird.  then it occured to me...am i....hungry??  i couldn't recognize the feeling, lol.  that always happens, but i don't remember it happening this soon.

i'm going to start up the daily exercises again. 3 60 second planks a day.  zion, don't worry about doing this if you've got other stuff going on...i just finally feel up to trying them and testing my shoulder out.

tuesday

still working the no appetite.  i taught my class yesterday and i could barely breathe and had no energy.  oh well, i don't have to teach again until sunday, so don't need to worry about it for awhile.

i actually bought lunch today.  i put it in front of me, and all of a sudden didn't want it anymore.  i choked down three bites because i hated wasting the money, but i really had to force it.

down 6 pounds from this time last week.

the judge is being so sweet trying to find me a spot somewhere, he's making a ton of calls and writing letters.  i feel really bad for the other clerk though, the new judge is keeping her, yet she can't really enjoy it because i'm in a tough spot, and people are really focused on helping me, and not celebrating her joy.  i know she feels neglected and left out, and i've told her i'm really happy for her (and i am), i don't know what else i can do so she doesn't resent me for ruining her happy news.  although i can't control her resentment, of course.  she's just such a nice person who has helped me so much, and i hate that she's sad.

fuck yeah

i've lost five pounds since my last post on Wednesday.  Fuck yeah.

i need to use this

i need to use this stress...use this anxiety and depression.  i don't want to eat, so i won't.  i need to get something out of these horrid feelings, might as well get some weight loss.

:(

i talked to the new judge today.  she will not be keeping me and i will be unemployed in feb.

job update

food yesterday:

oatmeal
apple with slice of cheese
hummus and pita
slice pizza
mini drumstick ice cream cone

i had an interview with the new judge on wednesday.  it went ok, basically it's going to come down between me and a person that she might want to bring in with her.  i really don't want to be unemployed, there's so much else going on, i don't want to be freaking out about getting a job.  she said she would let us know by the middle of december, which is way too far away.

in other news, i feel enormous.  my shoulder feels ready to do a little weightlifting, so i'm going to come up with a new schedule.

beat

i've gotten home after 10pm every night this week - so sorry, but have been too exhausted to update.  i've kept up the veg diet, which is good.  what's bad is i've met a friend for lunch and for dinner every day this week, and will again tomorrow.  this is the only way i can see my friends, but i have to think of a cheaper and less calorie involved alternative.

my parents' divorce is official, after it being dragged out for three years.  my dad emailed me tuesday eve that the divorce was final, and emailed me wednesday morning that he was engaged to his girlfriend.  Ugh.  i emailed him back that it was pretty crappy of him to email me, and not call.  he called then and was so apologetic i felt bad for complaining.  but he really should have called.

i really do not want to be related in any way to this woman.

back from vacay

i am exhausted.  it was a great long weekend, but traveling just saps my energy.  i can't believe i have to go to work in the morning.

i went to atlantic city with three friends of mine (two are married to each other).  it was a great time!  i'm not going to bother to try and figure out food, safe to say i've gained weight.  i debated not going, because this trip was going to cost a lot of money and who knows if i'll be employed in three months...but i had saved for a bit and needed a "time out"  It was a celebration of three things for me: my wedding anti-anniversary, my birthday, and my 2 years of sobriety, all in november.  with all that going on, i felt like i deserved some time away.  i'm going to have to pay for it now, by scrimping down costs and saving every dime.

i've made a decision to take the first step and become a vegetarian.  so as of right now, i will not eat meat or fish.  First, i will work on no meat on my plate.  then i will start to winnow out meat sources that are found in other places....soups made with chicken stock, for example.  but first - the big step.  no meat on my plate.

going away

i'm heading out of town tomorrow for a mini-getaway.  i'll be back Monday- take care of yourselves!

whoops

i didn't realize i hadn't updated in so long, sorry!

eating wasn't great over the weekend.  i kept having random things, like buffalo wing dip for breakfast.  i'm just feeling all over the place.  i feel like i need to go all-in on some crazy diet, like macrobiotics, just to try and focus on some sort of plan and have someone else tell me what to eat.  because i just don't know, i open the fridge and stare inside and don't know what to have.  same thing when i go to the grocery store...i don't have food, so i go to the store and when i get there i don't know what to buy.

i tried to take a weightlifting class on saturday, as soon as my shoulder started to feel even a little tired, i dropped out of whatever exercise we were doing.  i am really freaked out about hurting it again.  but it is really very weak, there is a noticeable difference between my right and left sides.  ugh.

hmph

well, my boss talked to the new judge today.  he told me she is really leaning towards bringing someone with her and he is not optimistic that i will keep my job.  i really appreciate his honesty, but OMG what the hell am i going to do??

i had some soup - 180.  too anxious to eat.

tuesday

glad you're back zion!

i'm beat.  calories around 1500 today.  i went to a vegan cafe for dinner with a friend.  we got a bunch of plates and shared them, it was pretty tasty!!  gives me more confidence that maybe i could do the vegetarian thing...

weekend

i have been feeling very anxious lately.  all this uncertainty, between my work and my H and my shoulder, is making life very difficult.

my psychMD offered when he saw me to prescribe me some seroquel or some risperidone.  he is not big on medications, but he seemed concerned.  i refused them.  i used to be on a shitton of seroquel, like 600mg a day, back when i was in the hospital and for awhile thereafter (before i started seeing this guy).  it took me forever to get off of it, and i'm really not interested in going backward.

i cleaned out my bathroom last week and came across my stash.  five years worth of stockpiled medication.  i haven't touched any of it in years, but i still had it.  i debated whether or not to throw them away, and for some reason i could not part with them.  my doc says there's probably a part of me that is not ready to recover, and hanging on to the meds is a way to hang on to the sick part of me.  i didn't like hearing that, but it makes sense.

food:

Saturday:

oatmeal
small dish lo mein
salad with chickpeas and couscous
1/2 pint ben and jerry's


sunday:

oatmeal
cereal with soymilk
greek yogurt
chicken soup

taught classes yesterday and today, and will teach tomorrow night.  i will take tuesday to rest my shoulder, then if i feel ok i will do a light workout on wednesday.

friday

my h sent me an email basically saying that if i want a divorce, i'm going to have to pay him.  PAY HIM?!?!?  i can't fucking believe this.

food was pretty much the same yesterday and today:

granola bars
oatmeal
yogurt
lean cuisine
apples and cheese

about 1300.  no wonder i can't lose weight.

teaching tomorrow, sunday, and monday.  hopefully that will kick start my metabolism.

still no word on job future.  between job and H, the stress/anxiety levels are really wearing on me.

yet another long one

another long day.  i don't know what the hell i do all day, my alarm goes off at 6am and then all of a sudden it's 7pm and i'm still at my desk.  crazy.  plus i have a load of clothes that need to go to the dry cleaners, so i had to wear my suit where the pants are just a *wee* bit tight.  there are few things i hate more than sitting all day in pants that are too tight.  ugh.

food:

2 apples and a piece of cheese
greek yogurt
oatmeal
cereal
french fries

around 1300

next week i get to add back in one workout.  although at this point i have no idea when that will happen.

tuesday

this was a BEAST of a day.  alarm went off at 6am and i have been running around nonstop since.

food:
lean cuisine
apple
yogurt

about 500.  there is an upside to not having time to eat.

monday

i don't know if anyone watches Dancing with the Stars, but Chaz is just terrible.  Oy.

food:

soup
oatmeal
lean cuisine
apple

taught a class.  i feel like my shoulder might be marginally better, but after a class it just kills.

sunday

i agreed to help my boss's wife organize a turkey trot for thanksgiving day.  it's quickly turning into a pain in the ass.

food:

salad with chickpeas, edamame, and couscous
yogurt
french fries

around 950

taught this morning.  my shoulder is feeling a little bit better, i'm going to rest it one more week and then try and introduce some mild lifting.  i'm really nervous about messing it up again.

saturday

my job is temporary because the judge that hired me is retiring.  there will be a new judge, but he or she will have the option to keep the staff or being in their own people.  a lot of judges just bring people they already know and are comfortable with to help them with the transition.

food:

Friday i ate terribly.  put it this way:  i went with some work people and had "lunch" at a dessert place.  so lunch was a huge piece of peanut butter pie.  which of course made me feel all crappy and jittery so i spent the rest of the day eating crap to try and get myself feeling more normal.  so, calories were in the 8 million range.

today:
better - had some sushi and soup for lunch - 500.  had salad for a snack - 150.  not sure what dinner will be, maybe a baked chicken breast?

speaking of chicken, lol, i'm been toying with the idea of going back to vegetarianism.  i was vegeterian for a really long time, all my teen years and into my 20s, but i never really learned to eat healthily (big surprise!!) so when i started getting really active and started training for races my vegetarian diet couldn't keep up with everything.  so, i started eating meat again (which meant more calories overall, which is probably the point)  since i'm a little better about trying to balance out my diet over the day and better about eating veggies and stuff, maybe i will try it again.

of course the main voice in my head says that it will mean less calories.  but it will be healthier too i think.  i always buy meat and it sits in my fridge since i don't really like to cook it or handle it.  so there really is no point in buying it.

thursday

heading out to an AA meeting in a minute...haven't been to one in three weeks.  this is a hard time, when the weather turns cold i want red wine like crazy.

i had hoped my husband and i would have been able to work things out without lawyers.  it could really be so easy:  this shit's mine, that shit's yours, see you the fuck later.  now it will be long drawn out shitty drama.  my mom has been dragging out my parents' divorce for four years. my job is temporary, so i might be unemployed in february - i don't want to spend $ on a lawyer now if i'm going to be out of work in february.  once i have stable employment, i'm going to go to a lawyer and pay them to deal with it.  my husband will be really really mad though, if i go ahead and file without him.  but who cares.

food:
oatmeal
soup
brownie
lean pocket

950.

wednesday

food:

oatmeal
grilled cheese sandwich
greek yogurt
apple
slice of cheese

about 1000.

my husband told me that he will not even consider filing divorce papers until january, even though we had agreed december.  when it gets to january he will probably say he meant january 2013.  i can't afford to get a lawyer and i don't think i can deal with it myself.  i am going to be stuck with this douchebag forever.

monday and tuesday

monday i taught, my shoulder started to kill almost immediately...i did not do well in the class, and i hate that.  i couldn't be peppy and energetic and perky, like i usually am.  i could barely hold my arm up.  i don't teach again until sunday, so hopefully i'll be much better by then.

yesterday was about 1000 calories...today about 1250.  i am so miserable about not being able to work out.  i just want my shoulder to feel better.

weekend

so my weekend of lying around ended up not so much, but it was still ok.  i taught a class and then had lunch on saturday with a friend, then coffee with another friend, then dinner with another friend.  Today was pretty much the same thing.  i was able to pick up around the house a little bit which helps me feel better.  my shoulder still hurts, i feel like it will never get better.

saturday i ate too much, around 1800.  today was a little better, around 1350.  at least i taught this weekend, i shouldn't be working out but i was feeling so terribly fat last week and it was only making me eat worse.  It's a vicious cycle.

friday night

another long day.  worked until 6:15, came home, scarfed down a bowl of cereal, then went with a friend to the kickoff of the college basketball season - college hoops is really big in this city, so it was a big crowd and it was fun.  i'm teaching tomorrow morning and then having coffee with a friend, then i am coming home and lying down and not getting up.  i teach Sunday morning and again, plan on not doing anything after.

food today:

cereal
granola bar
taco salad

about 1200.

long days

every day this week i've left my apt at 7:30am and not gotten back til 9pm or so.  i am so beat.

still in pain.  i am so frustrated about not working out and being in pain and feeling lonely that i am eating way too much, and that of course makes me feel worse which makes me eat more.  i polished off a whole pint of ben and jerry's tonight.  so not right.

ben and jerry's
lean cuisine
oatmeal
greek yogurt
apple
cereal with soy milk

about 2800 calories.  kill me now.

i'm so boring

ate too much.  shoulder kills.  no workout.

sorry.

i'm back

my trip was good :)  i went to DC to see a couple friends that i hadn't seen in a couple years.  ate way too much, though.

i went to the chiropracter on friday and it was a waste of time.  she did all this "analysis" and gave me this huge explanation why my left shoulder was hurting and it was SO obvious. i then pointed to the form i filled out and said "uh, it's my right, it says right here." then she was like....well...it's all connected. hmph. then she said i needed to come 3x a week for at least a month. no way i could do that, even if i wanted to.

so, later on friday i went to see an orthapedist.  he diagnosed me with a severe muscle strain.  no bootcamp or weightlifting for a month.

i am so depressed.  i'm feeling fat, and in pain, and lonely, and frustrated that i'm not doing better at work.

thurs

zion, i can't comment on your post :(  i understand why you didn't say anything to the dealer, sometimes it's just not worth it.

still in pain.  going to the chiro tomorrow, i hope it works...if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.

food:

egg sandwich
lean cuisine
oatmeal
yogurt
slice of pizza

1150-ish.  still no workout.

i'm supposed to go out of town this weekend, probably still will unless i can't stand the idea of traveling.  i'll be back on Tuesday...you should keep posting though, zion!  :)

chiropracter

i made an appointment to see a chirpracter friday.  i've never been to one before but i'm praying it helps.

1300 cals.  no bootcamp or workout.  sorry zion :(

omg

my shoulder blade/upper back KILLS.  i thought it was just sore from hanging the shower curtain, but now i'm worried i did something to tweak it.  it constantly hurts, not more or less based on what i'm doing or if i'm moving.  it just feels like i'm being stabbed over and over in the scapula.

i'm going to go lay down.  food was at about 1400 today (such a pig).  no workouts today.

monday monday

my upper back is killing me.  not from weightlifting or boot camp, but from rehanging my shower curtain yesterday.  go figure.

food:
granola bars: 190
yogurt and granola: 350
greek yogurt: 140
lean cuisine: 290
oatmeal: 320
fruit and nut bar: 200
instant mac and cheese: 240

1730.  too much.  but i did have boot camp this morning and taught a class tonight.  i wasn't really hungry when i had the fruit and nut bar, but i was afraid of running out of energy during class, so i ate it right before.

phew

zion, i really hope your car stuff gets all set...dealing with car issues is one of the biggest pains in the ass in life.

if you don't feel comfortable with your doctor maybe try another one?  personally, i couldn't go to a guy, i would feel way too awkward.

i went to a play last night, it was in a crappy "theater" - really a banquent room attached to a dive bar that had been converted into a theater.  it wasn't terrible, but it really made me think that i might want to start acting again.  i majored in theater in college and did a lot of shows growing up, but i got away from it when i went to law school...hmmm maybe someday...

i had a bowl of cereal and soymilk so far.  i will have a lean cuisine later, but that will be it...600 total is my goal.

taught a class this morning.  boot camp 6am tomorrow!


zion, your turn to pick the exercises!

saturday full of stuff

had a hair appointment, then fell into tickets to the SU football game...hauled ass to get to the game.  exciting game, went to overtime, twice, but we ended up losing :( then hurry home to clean the piggers cage and shower and pick up a friend to go see a play.

food - nachos and a slice a pizza.  that's bad food but it's all i've had all day.

i'm beat.

friday night

i'm so tired.  these 5:30am to midnight days are killing me.

didn't have my first food until 2pm today....i think i'm going to pick more days and see just how long i can go.

food was about 1400.  went to the gym, lifted and did exercises.  the baseball game got rained out :(

zion

just read your post zion, sorry you're having such a hard time with the dealership :( i hate to sound sexist, but can your husband or dad or guy friend help you deal with them?  it's awful and it shouldn't be this way, but in my experience they will give you less of a hard time if they're dealing with a guy.

good for you for getting on the treadmill even though you felt like crap :)

thursday

food:

yogurt: 140
granola bars: 190
cereal with soy milk - 350
lean cuisine - 290
5 starbursts - 140

1110.  i feel like i eat the same 5 or 6 foods every day, lol.

body's hurting from yesterday, but managed to do the book lift and the leg lifts.

wednesday

boot camp this morning KILLED me.  ridiculous how much sweat poured out of me, and i've been dragging all day.

food:

protein shake: 250
oatmeal: 320
soup: 200
turkey sandwich: 350
cookie: 350
chicken breast and potatoes: 500

1970.  WAY too much.  i think i thought more food would give me more energy.  i was so wrong, LOL.

exhausted

i'm tired too zion, i tried to leave a comment but the comments feature hates me again.

food:

yogurt: 140
pad thai: 500
apple: 80
granola bars: 190
oatmeal: 320

1230 total.  my triceps are killing me from boot camp yesterday, tomorrow AM should be interesting.  didn't get quite all my water in today....will try better tomorrow.

i've got a cold, ugh.

Monday

i'm going to end up with hundreds of blog entries that only have the days of the week as names, LOL.

food:
oatmeal: 300
lean cuisine: 290
yogurt: 140
piece of pizza: 300
lean pocket: 250

1280 total.  boot camp at 6am, taught class at 6:30pm, and did our daily exercises.  am beat.

sunday

today was a little better...i think it was just the buildup of stress over my first month at the new job, the gym hassling me, i didn't get paid on time, feeling fat, etc etc etc.  i had coffee with a friend after the gym and just started bawling in the middle of Panera, and pretty much went that way all day.  but today was better.  i got some new eyeshadow, that helped. :)

food:
oatmeal - 200
yogurt - 140
golean crunch cereal w soymilk - 300
shrimp and rice - 400
junior mints - 250

1290 total.  wall sits, leg circles, taught dance class.

daily exercises for the week: 

60 second book lift - extend your arms straight in front of you like you're a zombie, with a hardcover book resting on your hands and hold for 60 seconds.  Try to do two sets, if it's too easy get a heavier book.

lying down - 3 sets of 30 leg lifts on each side

extra challenge for the week:

two large water bottles of water a day (about 1.5 liters)
no eating after 8pm, no matter what

saturday

i've had quite an emotional day.  i think i'm coming down with something which doesn't help.

i did a pilates class and exercises this morning, and lifted upper body weights.  had a bowl of soup today, 200 calories maybe?

the gym

i gave two weeks notice at the front desk of the gym.  after i finished, they have called me to cover the front desk every weekend.  the day before, the morning before.  i just want to tell them to stop calling me and HIRE NEW PEOPLE.  i said i have plans.  they asked me again, as if they hadn't heard my first response.  they are the ones who are up a creek and have no staff, but because I won't drop everything and help them i'm a bad person.  it's getting to where i don't want to go to the gym because i don't want to deal with the guilt trips.

food:
 yogurt
lean pocket
apple
cheese
chili w bread
ice cream

i'd say about 1500....wall sits and leg circles...am going to the gym in the am, 7a, yoga/pilates class.

people suck.

thursday

i stopped back at the Y and signed up for the rest of the boot camp session.  six weeks, hopefully i'll see some positive changes.

food:

slice of cheese pizza: 400
yogurt: 140
celery: 40
apple: 80
lean cuisine: 300

960 total.

wall sit and leg circles, check!

boot camp

i actually have four guinea pigs :) i love them, they are my babies.

boot camp was ok, it was pretty hard, but doable.  i kind of expected it would be so-hard-you're-gonna-puke hard, and it wasn't.  but i still sweat plenty and we'll see how my muscles feel tomorrow night...it's funny, as i've gotten older my soreness gets more and more delayed.

i need to get better about not grazing at my desk...i get frustrated and want to take a break and the only way i feel justified in taking a break is eating.  i'm eating low cal stuff but it still adds up...i'm not hungry i just want to stop working for a few minutes.

food:

oatmeal 240
smart one pasta 250
yogurt 140
apple 80
string cheese 80
chicken breast and mashed potato 500
pita chips 140
celery 45

1475 total....too high.  did the exercises too, though i couldn't hold the wall sit for very long.

tuesday

ugh i'm exhausted...i feel like days are just getting longer and longer.  i was at work from 7:30am til 5:15, i went to my CPR recertification from 5:30pm - 7:30pm, and then had to go to the grocery store because i was out of treats for my guinea pigs (and they don't tolerate going without, LOL!)  i came home, let them out, took care of the dishes and laundry that's been sitting for two days, and here it is 10pm and i'm finally "done."

i agreed to go with my friend to a boot camp class in the morning.  at 6am.  i may have lost my mind.

food:

apple: 80
yogurt: 140
granola bars: 190
turkey sandwich: 300
chicken breast and broccoli - 450

1160 total.  wall sit and leg circles - those leg circles are HARD, holy cow!

the 19th

ugh my stomach hurts...i honestly think it's from all the apples i've been eating, too much fiber can be a bad thing, LOL.

food:
granola bars: 190
pita chips and hummus: 200
apple: 80
string cheese: 80
PB sandwich with high protein bread: 450
lean cuisine shrimp alfredo: 210

1210 total.  Taught a class tonight and did the wall sit and leg circles, i also did some pushups.

i'm going to DC to see a couple friends from college, i haven't seen them in a couple years.  they are always so fashionable, i want to look good too!

sunday

taught my class this morning, OMG i'm so sore still.  i met up with a friend today that i hadn't seen in awhile and she and her son wanted to go apple picking, so i went again, LOL.  i don't mind though, i look forward to it all year.

food: 

yogurt and granola: 250
apple: 80
slice cheese pizza: 300
oatmeal: 240
 870 total

i leave for DC in just under three weeks.  ten more pounds by then.

zion, your turn to pick the exercises for the week!

Saturday

Today was a good day.  Did two classes at the gym, exercises, then went apple picking.  My body is really sore from yesterday and today's workout...I have to teach in the morning and it's going to be tough!

Food:

egg, cheese, and ham on wheat toast: 340
roast and mashed potatoes: 450
three apples: 240
yogurt: 140

1170 total.

quickie

i'm going to try and get up early for Pilates in the morning, so i'm on my way to bed and this will be quick...i went to lunch today and completely blew it :(  my dad took me to my favorite mexican place and i just couldn't say no.  so, calories for the day are eight billion.  i did go to the gym and lift and did about 30 minutes on the arc trainer.

i'm planning on pilates and step tomorrow and under 1000 cals.  i hope i hope i hope.

thurs

when i refuse to be weighed, they just look at me and ask me why not...i just say i don't want to be weighed.  the office is usually so busy they just let it go and move on.

coffee
yogurt
salad with grilled chicken
tomato and mozz salad
veggies

dips and plank

i haven't been to an AA meeting in three weeks...i'm going tonight, i've been thinking about drinking a lot.  i think it's because of all the stress i'm under with the new job.  the job is ok, i'm just putting a lot of pressure on myself to excel and it's starting to break me down a bit.

wednesday

ugh....my arms are so sore after yesterdays lifting.  i couldn't hold myself up for the dips :(  i must have overdid it, by a lot.  did the plank, but that sucked too.

so i went to the doc's - my appointment was for noon, it got to be 1pm and i still hadn't been seen yet.  My doc was running so far behind that they actually came to me and asked me to reschedule!! i couldn't believe it....but at that time i was so frustrated about waiting and worried about missing work so i just said fuck it and agreed.  so i've postponed the weighin....which is good.  i may just refuse to be weighed anyway (which is what i've been doing in previous visits).  i thought i was brave enough to do it this time but the false start has me weirded out a bit.

food:

granola bar: 180
yogurt: 140
bean burrito: 350
raw almonds: 120
small ice cream cone: 130

920 total.

beat

about 1150 in calories, i think i want to start aiming for a lower number.

went to the gym, did the exercises and lifted more on upper body.  i'll bet i won't be able to lift my arms tomorrow.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  i have to go for a pap smear or she won't refill my birth control.  i'm going to have to get on a scale.  no other human being has known my weight for two years.  this is really freaking me out.

monday

Food:

tomato and mozzerella salad: 150
bean burrito with light sour cream: 350
pork tenderloin with potatoes: 400
PB sandwich w/ high protein bread: 350

1250 total.  Taught a class today and did the 60 second plank and tricep dips.

week 2

i'm only down 1.5 pounds from last Monday.  WTF?!?!?

ugh.

anyway, food:

popchips: 140
oatmeal: 140
cereal and soy milk: 250
chicken breast with potatoes: 500
small ice cream cone: 130

1160 total.

For daily exercise. how about a 60 second plank and 3 sets of 10 tricep dips off a chair?  Plus whatever else we can fit in.

saturday

still a little sore from thursday, but better.  i went to the gym this morning and took a class, that helped work out some of the soreness, i think.  did my pushups and crunches too!

food:

oatmeal: 150
high protein bagel w pb: 300
pulled pork and snow peas:  500
yogurt: 140
small ice cream cone: 130

1320 total....a little high, but i also covered a desk shift at the gym so i was on my feet for four hours.

friday

i'm so sore from just the 20 minutes i did on the treadmill yesterday!  and it's getting worse as the day goes on, probably won't be able to walk tomorrow, LOL  getting old sucks.  but still did my pushups and crunches :)

food:

cereal with soy milk 350
string cheese 80
yogurt 140
chicken sandwich  450

1020 total.  i'm beat!

damn blogger

i don't know why blogger is not letting me comment on blogs.  It keeps telling me I don't have access!  But I can READ the blog, I just can't comment.  WTF??!

Sorry, Zion, you did great today!  And your new layout is pretty!

food:

tomato/mozzerella salad: 200
apple: 60
slice cheese: 80
PB sandwich with high protein bread: 350
small serving risotto: 300
popchips: 140

1130 for the day...was able to get to the gym, did my pushups and crunches, 20 min on the treadill and lifted for 20 min.

i'm not really having a formal orientation, it's just a question of getting the hang of the work.  i feel like i'll eventually be able to work faster but just now i'm soooooo slow.

9/7

Zion- for some reason I can't leave a comment on your page, but you did great yesterday! :)

Today:

Food-

celery sticks - 20
strawberries - 60
small piece lasagna - 300
peanut butter sandwich with high protein bread - 450
small serving risotto - 300

Total 1130

Crunches and pushups done!

Long day today...worked from 7:30am to 7pm...it takes so much energy to concentrate for that long!!  i just feel like i'm working so slowly...i hate the learning curve.

today

Food:

celery sticks - 25
strawberries - 45
greek yogurt - 140
small serving lasagna - 300
chicken breast - 300
green beans - 100
tomato & mozzarella salad - 300

1210 total...pushups and crunches done!  Feeling good, a little hungry but that's to be expected after the overeating I did this weekend.  Gotta shrink the stomach down...

tomorrow

back on track :)

phew

i made it through my first day!  i have my first assignment and i am so worried about screwing it up.  please, please, please don't screw up!  i had to walk around with the perma-smile because i was meeting new people all over the place and now my face hurts, lol!

at least i was so busy today i hardly had time to eat...it gave me a headache though and it was hard to focus when it got to be around 4pm...and then i was so hungry i came home and binged instead of working out.  i need to plan ahead a little better.

Day two tomorrow!

starting fresh

i start my new job tomorrow :) i'm really excited and nervous.  i'm going to be working later so it's really going to mess with my workout/eating schedule.  i'm seeing some friends over columbus day weekend that i havent seen in two years, so i really want to lose 10 pounds by then.  i'm just going to have to get used to the idea of going to the gym later, which has the added benefit of not laying around snacking in the evening. i could run outside in the mornings, but then i won't be able to lift.

so, i'll go to the gym tomorrow, friday and saturday, and then teach Sunday.

work

work has been nuts lately.  people left, people came back, my boss got fired, two staff members got fired, i got a new boss.  we are seriously understaffed and we need more people badly.  my former boss was psycho so i'm glad she's gone, but the whole thing has left such a bad taste in my mouth.  i like my new boss, but i just want out of there.  i am also grossly underpaid.  i've been looking for awhile now but so far nothing...i applied for a particular job with a court and i want it so bad i could taste it.  right now i'm working three jobs and i feel like i could drop from exhaustion.

i just feel like i need a change overall.  i'm trying to get over the end of my marriage, so i want other things to change so i really feel like i'm starting over.  i'm growing my hair out, gonna change the color, need a new job....i always do that, try to change on the outside to help change the inside.

i'm back

due to relationship/computer issues i haven't been able to post here but i now have a relatively new computer so i'll be posting a lot more, hopefully.  i'm just exhausted now so hopefully i'll feel up to posting more tomorrow.

the week ahead...

...looks absolutely insane.  i've asked to start working at the gym front desk on the nights i'm not teaching and also on the weekends in order to get extra money.  so i'm working at the gym every night this week (be careful what you wish for!).  Then Saturday i have a baby shower at 1pm, work at the gym from 3-9:30 and then my friend is having a party later that night.  the week hasn't even started and already i can't wait for it to be over.  i was hoping to maybe shop for a dress for my friend's party but i have no idea when.  i don't even have any time free at lunch this week.

at least being so busy will help keep calories down, especially at night and working at the gym seeing all those people working so hard to get into shape.  i don't have any groceries so i'll probably live on clif bars all week long.  but now when will i work out on my non-teaching days?  i'm at the desk tues, wed, and fri, so i'll have to fit in those workouts some other time.

my side of the couch

funny how some things adjust so quickly after the end of a relationship and some things don't.

tony's been gone, oh, i'd say a little over a month.  probably after about a week, i had migrated to the middle of the bed.  however, i still refuse to move from the left side of the couch...it just feels weird to sit over on his side.  it would be easier for me if i moved over, i'm right handed so to get a drink off of the side table i have to reach across myself, but it's like my subconscious staunchly refuses to budge.

tony stayed in the apartment for a few days last week - he wanted to take care of some things to prepare for an interview, so i went to stay with a friend.  it felt like he was invading my space, never mind that we both lived here for over five years.  after a month it was all mine.  staying at my friend's kinda highlighted the fact that i am actually at some point going to have to move.  right now he's paying for the apartment but that's not a long term solution and i certainly can't afford to live here.  i don't want to move, i'm quite comfy here...but it will have to happen.

work is ok, i'm trying to focus but i'm having a hard time...i cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes it takes me all day to write a letter.  at least i have a job though so i need to do what i can to keep it.

weight hasn't gone up, which is good....but it hasn't gone down, which is bad.

happy mother's day

it's hard for me to not be depressed today.  my mom and i don't have a relationship...we had a very toxic relationship my whole life and as an adult i finally had it and cut her out of my life.

i feel like all these people that are supposed to be important are disappearing from my life.  first my best friend, then my other best friend, then my mom and then my H.  what's the common denominator?  me - i feel like it must be me that's fucking everything up, who else loses four such important people in the course of a few years?

whatever.  i'll make myself feel better with a b/p and then i'll cry because i feel fat.  sounds like fun.

i'm sorry this blog has become so depressing.  i need to get back on track, that will make me happy.

Happy Easter...

....if you celebrate, Happy Sunday if you don't.

i've been kind of lost in my emotions lately, it's really been a wild rollercoaster.  there are gaps in my memory and all i can really remember is a haze of food and toilets, a razor here and there, and taking amb.ie.n to try to pass out.

i think things might be clearing up a bit though, which is good.

i was invited to my dad's gf's daughter's house for easter.  it was nice of them, but i'm not going.  i really don't have much in common with them and i'm not up to questions about where my husband is.  at least, not yet.  struggling through the afternoon without cocktails sounds miserable, especially when they will all be drinking.  my dad and his gf are stopping by to "drop something off" before they go, i hope its not candy.

but it is really nice of them.

trying to get myself together

at least i'm trying.  second weekend alone is going a little better than the first...i've been able to rein in the b/p a bit, and i still have managed to not take a drink.  i honestly can't believe i'm still sober.  if you had asked me a year ago whether i would be able to stay sober if my husband and i broke up, i would have said HELL NO.  but here i am...i've got a year and almost five months sober, i really don't want to start over.

i went to the grocery store yesterday.  it is so strange to go grocery shopping and not get t's usual stuff.  i stood by the cucumbers and had to remind myself that i didn't need to get any, i don't eat them.  it was so sad, i almost started bawling in the produce section.  anyway as i was walking to check out i took a look in my cart and thought "this is the shopping cart of a single person"  this is what i had:

four weight watchers smart ones
four yogurts
three cups of instant oatmeal
diet root beer
grapes
oranges

nothing that would remotely be involved in cooking a real meal.  i tried to explain to t so many times, if i lived alone i wouldn't cook.  he never understood why it didn't occur to me to cook dinner without him asking about it.

ok

It's Monday, and it's time for the pity party to be over.  i b/p'd all weekend and my weight has ballooned, likely due to a boatload of water retention.  The good news is that b/c it's water it should go down in a few days, it's not *real* weight.

Plan for today:
teach class and lift weights
calorie goal of 1200.  it's a little higher than i try to shoot for, but my stomach is likely stretched out like crazy so i need to gradually cut down back to normal.

weekend

he packed some stuff and went to stay with his dad.

i've been alone in this apartment all weekend long.  bad news.

wtf?

t said that there is one way i can get out of the marriage painfree:

if we host a ceremony with all our family and friends, and i say in front of everyone that the marriage ending is all my fault and that i am impossible to deal with in relationships.  this confession will be recorded and i will sign it as well.

is he fucking crazy??

i saw my therapist today.  he wants to take me out of work, a medical leave of absence.  i said "i'm not sick, i'm sad."  he said "no, you're sick"

i can't miss work, i have an insane april coming up.

it's still over

things are rough around here.  he's made threats and laid on the guilt.  and he refuses to even discuss how to dissolve the relationship.

i can't stop eating.  this issue is going to make me enormous.

the end

i told my husband our marriage was over.  i can't move out yet because i don't have any money, but it's over.  i can't take him yelling at me anymore.

i want to b/p all day long.  topped off with a nice long cutting session.  and a bottle of tequila. 

i need to get out of here.

don't know what to do

i don't think i want to be married anymore.  but i can't afford to live by myself.  and i can't afford a divorce lawyer.

yesterday's calories

yesterday i ended up at 1000.  i was 750 up until i was about to teach my class, but i felt really nauseated and i was worried about passing out during class, so i had a cliff bar.  i worked out twice yesterday, so i'm sure my net calories for the day was 750, most likely lower than that, but i am pissed at myself.  i'm so angry with my body - why are you so weak?!  why do you threaten me to keel over if i don't give you food when others can fast for days and days. 

ugh, i'm working out tonight, not teaching....so i don't care if i'm dizzy, if i feel like i'm gonna pass out i can just leave.  750.

Starting the week off good

My team lost last night.  Boo.  Oh well, the Yanks opening day is a little more than a week away - Go Yankees!

Got up at 5:30 (!) this morning, went to the gym and ran three miles, which took me about 35 minutes.  i wish i was faster!!  i've been about an 11-12 minute miler since i started running years ago.  it's like my body just refuses to move my legs any faster.  It's the same pace uphill, downhill, sideways, backwards, whatever, lol.  Also did pushups and abs - one of the cool things about teaching is that i have all these conditioning tracks pre-programmed with set routines, so i just put on one of the songs and get to work.

we're bringing in new material in my classes, so my brain is totally fried trying to learn them.  New music, new moves, 20 songs.  when it gets close to launch i'll be listening to nothing but class music nonstop - i really hate that part.

going to shoot for 750 today, that might be ambitious considering that i still have to teach class tonight, but i'm going to give it a shot.  i need to up my level of dedication or i am going to be this weight forever.

sunday night

i'm been watching basketball obsessively this weekend - i just love the NCAA tournament.  My team is still in and they play tonight so hopefully they'll still be in the next time i write.

i suffered through my class this morning - holy cow was i in pain...and the worst is still to come, i always get second day soreness.  i'm going to go to the gym for a run in the morning sore or not so hopefully whatever lactic acid is built up in my legs will work itself out.  Then i'm back at the gym at night to teach my class.  hmmmm.  it's been awhile since i did two-a-days.

i have a friend who's a bit of a stalker.  and when i say "a bit" i mean "huge."  part of the reason i prefer to run in the morning, even if i'm going to be at the gym at night is that she's at the gym at night.  she joined this gym because it's the one i work at, and she takes all my classes.  ALL of them.  but she doesn't take anyone else's class, so it's not like she just likes classes.  but anyway, if she finds out i'm running, she's going to want to train WITH me.  she's going to want to run the race WITH me.  have i mentioned she's a stalker?  oh yeah, and she works with me, that's how we met.  she comes into my office about 5 times a day just to "hang out" even though i'm swamped.  she's a nice girl, but i just want to punch her sometimes.  and now i have to run on the sly.  whatever, i can lift in the morning too.

so i'm gonna shoot for 750 tomorrow - but it has to be carefully planned.  i think i'll need a protein smoothie after my workout, so that's 250.  cliff bar before class, another 250.  so i can have something at around noon or 1 that is about 250.

training

the race that i'm training for has group training runs on Saturdays for long runs, and this was the first week.  i had done 3 mi up to today (this round of training) and i was expecting the training run to be around 5 - guess what, it was 6.  yikes.  but i did it, and i actually had a great pace and it felt pretty good.  but after about two hours i could barely walk, my hip flexor is killing me.  it's not muscle soreness (that will be kicking my ass tomorrow night and Monday) but i must have tweaked something running up those hills.  ick.  and i have to teach in the morning.

weight is still pissing me off and going NOWHERE.  i'm so frustrated with myself, i know i only have myself to blame...i'm not going to be in denial and say "oh i'm doing everything i can, why can't i lose weight" because that's bullshit.  i'm slacking on controlling the calories.  if i really wanted it i would be better at it.  and i really want it.  so i will be better.  and thinner.

looking back and looking ahead

last week was ok, i feel like i've got the reins again and am in control.  could've done better, but of course that's always the case.

i changed my mind (again!) and i've decided to do a couple races this season.  the first one is on May 1st - a ten miler that's almost entirely uphill.  i did it last year and it's a real bitch - but hey, takes one to know one!  i got some cold weather gear so i can run outside in the mornings and not be stuck on the treadmill.  although, i did run on the treadmill over the weekend and i think i'm actually better at it now than i used to be.  problem always was, i don't run in a straight line, haha, so treadmills were always very dangerous.  but there was no problem on Saturday, so that's good.  A good thing about this race is that there are official training runs on Saturdays for the long runs, so i don't have to worry about where i'm gonna be running and how i'm going to get the miles in.  the downside is there goes my saturday morning mega-workouts, but i think i can make the switch for 6 weeks :)

so here's the exercise plan for the week:

M - 3mi run AM, teach class PM
T - kickboxing class PM
W - 3mi run AM
Th - teach kick class PM
F - 3mi run AM
Sat - 5mi run AM
Sun - teach class

i'm definitely going to have to up my protein, and probably my glutamine as well.

tuesday

yesterday i took in 1100 calories, today 985.  i got my workouts in both days.

i'm just lifting tomorrow, so i'm going to do my damndest to stay under 500.

ok trying to keep my head above water

i really don't want to slip into a deeper depression so i need a good week to help get my confidence back.

Here's the plan:

Monday:
900 calories, lift, teach class

Tuesday:
900 calories, lift, take class

Wednesday:
450 calories, lift

Thursday:
900 calories, teach class

Friday:
650 calories, lift

Saturday:
800 calories, 2 classes, lift

Sunday:
750 calories, teach class

by the end of the week i should be back to the weight i was before i lost control.  i am going to be much more meticulous about recording intake, when i get lazy about that is when i get off track.  i'm also setting a goal of two large water bottles a day.

this will be depressing

i'm just warning you ahead of time.

i feel so fucking lonely.  yes, i am married and i love my husband, but we don't have one of those superclose, let's share every breath together, can't live without you relationships that disney and danielle steel novels promise.  i have a couple friends whom i hardly see, and one friend that is up in my grill 24/7 and i wish i could get rid of her.  but i don't feel like i connect with anyone, and i don't feel like i know how.  that was one of my favorite things about drinking, going out with people, really feeling like i connected in a social way and felt understood (even though it was the alcohol doing the conencting), now i just feel awkward and uncomfortable and i never ever know what to say.  so even in a big group, i feel like i'm on a lonely island.

plus, of course, i hate my fucking body.  but more than that, i hate my fucking inability to achieve my goals.  i look in the mirror or look down at my body and i see fat, i thus see failure.  to me, it should be simple math: Goal = desire + dedication.  i'm missing out on one or both, otherwise i would BE at my goal, or at least on my way!!!  so much time has gone by, journal entries going back months and months say i'm around the same weight as now.  something needs to change or i'm going to lose my mind.

i've stopped home after work before going to the gym to teach.  usually i'll bring my clothes with me and go straight to the gym from work, but i'm not teaching until 7:30 (subbing) and that's a lot of extra time at the gym, even for me.  i don't like to do cardio before i teach a class, i need to be as fresh as possible, so i've come home instead.  it's odd to be here at 6pm.

i made this rice noodle dish with shrimp and veggies for t to have when he gets home.  it's pretty low cal, it's only got a bit of soy sauce for flavor.  i feel like a bad wife, i really don't cook very much.  if i lived alone i would never cook.  t has started reaching for pizza if there's nothing to eat and that is horrible for me, so better to try and make something to keep other bad food out of the house.

i have been feeling very much like a failure lately.  i haven't lost any notable weight in ages.  i have 20 pounds to go to get to my all time low.  i want it so bad!   what is my problem??!

oscars

i'm watching the oscars and feeling quite frumpy, i must say.  might have something to do with all the glamour on the tv and me in my sweats.  maybe someday i'll have a huge oscar party and get everyone dressed up to watch it, but until then, sweats it is.

this week has been absolutely horrid, calorie wise.  i'm going to let it go and start fresh tomorrow - 900 cals, no questions, no excuses.

right now i'm thinking that i won't be running this year....i just can't seem to get motivated and i don't feel like forcing myself, when there are a million other ways to work out that i already do.

day off

i had today off from work, and so far it has been pretty spectacular.  i slept in until 10 (which is unheard of!!), went to visit my friend that i hadn't seen in ages, and now i'm curled up on the couch.  i'll go to the gym and teach my class in a bit.  perfect.  plus, the bachelor is on tonight, lol!  i watch it for the sole purpose of texting snarky remarks back and forth with my friends, hee hee.  i've had a couple issues with nighttime snacking, so my goal for tonight is to not eat anything after i get home from class.

i've been kinda slacking on my weightlifting, and i'm starting to lose some of the strength i've gained, which is pissing me off!  but i am really waning on energy, too bad, gotta suck it up.

tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  i haven't talked to her in about two years.  she lives around here, but we never had a great relationship, she terrorized me the whole time i was growing up.  things improved a bit when i got older, but when she and my dad split up a few years ago she really lost it.  she became paranoid, angry, and a 24 hour drinker.  our relationship got really toxic, so i cut her out of my life.  i still feel really guilty about it - everyone says i did the right thing, that i have to take care of me and my mental health.  but i still feel like a horrible daughter.  and i wonder, were things really that bad?  maybe i should've given her another chance?  it's her birthday tomorrow and she will be all alone.  again.  my friend says that's her fault that she's alone. 

but i still feel like it's mine.

chillin on a saturday

...and i mean literally chilling.  it was 58 degrees here yesterday, today it was 17 and a full out blizzard, yuck.  i subbed a class this morning, which went fine.  i don't like teaching in the morning as much as i do at night.  i'm less awake and have less fun.  by the end of the day i'm feeling punchy and my body is loose, in the mornings no matter how much i warm up i feel a little "off."

i went to the mall for a bit and found the cutest coat on sale:

It's hard to tell the details, but it is super cute and the pleating around the waist gives it a little flair.  it was a choice between black and tan and i went with black because i think it will go better with everything.  plus i'm a klutz and stain everything :)

i'm back down to my pre-sick and pre-period weight.  now that i'm feeling better (one pill left!  @Mich, it's not the liquid stuff) i can amp up my routine again...i think i might start to run in the mornings, which means going to the gym twice a day.  i just wish the weather would get a little better!  who wants to be scraping ice off the car at 4:30am??

990 cals today, 600 burned
1160 cals yesterday, 0 burned. (well, other than those burned through living)

breakfast

i can't wait until i'm done with this antibiotic.  i have to take it with food, which means i have to eat something for breakfast.  i haven't eaten breakfast since maybe the 7th grade.  it's fucking with me.  i always go as long as possible without eating every day.  now shoving half a mini bagel in my body at 7am is pure torture.  you'd think i was being asked to kick kittens, i dread it that much.  then i can't play my little game, you know - i've gone this long, can i go another half hour? or maybe another hour?  i've already eaten first thing, so it takes all the fun out of it, lol.

850 cals today, taught class so i probably torched about 650.  200 net, i can deal with that.

therapy

i told my psychMD today that i wasn't really interested in recovering from my ED.  everything else, yes.  but not my ED.

i think he may tell me i can't come anymore.  why would he waste his time with someone who doesn't want to fully recover?

whatever.  756 calories today.  that's all that matters.

clearing the head

yesterday was just awful.  combination of: no sleep, too much codeine, major work issues and hormones from starting my (fucking) period and i was a wreck.  but more than being emotional, i felt just....stupid.  i couldn't *think* - i couldn't reason out any answers, my head just felt slow...which was why i mostly blame the medication, the feeling reminds me of when i was drinking too much and also when i was on risperidone...i feel like my brain can't handle "slowing" medications, it turns my focus and thoughts into mud pie.

so i skipped the codeine last night and i felt better today, was able to sort a couple things out.  i went to the gym and worked out - i still can't decide if i want to run races this summer, well - i know i want to, i just don't know if i can get into the training.  i know i would if i signed up and paid, but i'm dragging my feet on it (because then i will have to do it, lol).

1045 calories today.  i still need to work on getting more protein, my carbs/protein ratio is way out of proportion - most lo-cal snacks are carbs (rice cakes, crackers, etc) so i need to get creative.  i also need to work on drinking more water, hopefully that will flush out some water weight i'm carrying around.

exhausted

wow, i am Tired with a capital T.  every time i stopped moving today i wanted to fall asleep.  this was especially troublesome when i was driving.  i'd be ok, get into my car, and all of a sudden i couldn't keep my eyes open.  i think all the codeine built up in my system and now is finally making me sleepy.  not the most helpful at 2pm on a sunday afternoon.  i have a feeling at 11pm tonight though i'll be wide awake.

class went ok though...i think my cough might actually be subsiding.  this morning was the first morning in two weeks that i didn't wake up with 1. a sore throat and 2. a gob of mucus sliding down my throat (ick!).  so that's progress!

hopefully now i'll be able to get back into my rhythm of working out.  i've been slacking on lifting and on running (zion - the cardio i did on Saturday was an hour of step class and an hour of kickboxing, not teaching it just taking it).  This is my workout schedule for the upcoming week:

Monday - teach dance class, lift
Tuesday - take kickboxing, run
Wed - 90 minute cycling class, lift
Thurs - teach kickboxing
Fri - off (maybe)
Sat - run, teach kickboxing (sub for regular instructor), lift
Sun - teach dance class

my weight has gone up a couple pounds which i'm trying to not freak out about - i'm about to get my period and that always happens, plus i did cut out a couple workouts last week.  this time next week i should be back to normal (i hope i hope i hope) if not on the way back down again.

super saturday

790 calories today.

i did do my super saturday workout this morning, against everyone's better judgment (except my own, lol).  it was just what i needed.  two hours of cardio, one hour lifting.  so what if i coughed most of the way through, that cough that sounds like i've been smoking two packs a day for 30 years?  i burned calories, damnit, and that's the point!  it also helps me to feel normal again, instead of schlepping around the house in my pajamas all day.

i just wish i could get some sleep.  the PA gave me an antibiotic but also gave me some codeine cough syrup to help with stopping the nighttime coughing fits and getting some sleep.  yeah, except it doesn't work unless i triple the dose.  which i did, but now i'm out.  so, great.  i'm not getting sleep for the next two nights, and i have to call monday morning to see if she'll prescribe me more, which i doubt seeing as how it was supposed to last me a week.  ugh.

my h doesn't generally work weekends, but he's gone pretty much all this weekend for a work conference.  it's nice, i can pretend to be a single gal, not having to worry about someone else, disagreeing about what to watch, what music to play, who's being too loud, etc.  i miss those days.

i teach tomorrow morning, and then another day of freedom.  yay!

doc visit

i went to the doctor today, finally.  i hate hate hate going to the medical doctor.  i'm supposed to go every six weeks for checkups, bloodwork, ekg, etc but i haven't gone in over a year.  i called this morning and made an appointment with the PA at her office.  don't care if it's sneaky, i just couldn't deal with the questions and the disapproval.

so anyway, i went.  i have bronchitis and a sinus infection, yay.  but i taught my class tonight anyway, haha.  and i'm planning on my supersaturday workout, i missed it last week and i can't miss it again.

1100 calories today, ick.  but i am calming myself by saying i needed it, i taught today and i'm fighting infection.  *trying* to calm myself, anyway.

*hack hack*

ugh.  i can NOT shake this cough.  it's embarrasing, i'm sure the other people at work are sick of hearing me hack my brains out at the end of the hallway all day long.  i taught my class and about halfway through i started coughing and couldn't stop, which made for a very interesting second half.

came in at about 1050 today.  going to try for 500 tomorrow.

i have my therapist tomorrow.  i always get so nervous before an appointment, even though i've been seeing him for 1.5 years.  i never know what to say when i go...i feel so repetitive like i just talk about the same things over and over.  i am always so worried about what he thinks, is he going to think i'm a bad person if i say certain things, am i annoying him, etc.  it's quite paralyzing.

super sunday

yesterday i tallied about 990 calories.  i did teach my class this morning, so that's at least something.  i don't have a planned "off" day from the gym until next Friday, so hopefully i'll make up for some lost time.

i am actually looking forward to watching the game today, it should be exciting (plus the commercials!) - just keep me away from the food.  if i finish today at under 1400 it will be a bloomin' miracle.

my friend texted me yesterday that she saw a pair of addidas pants on sale and asked if i wanted them.  i really did (still do) but i'm really trying to focus on saving money.  it's so hard though because i live in gym clothes and it is always good to have more.  but i need to get out of this credit card debt, like now.

i haven't lost any weight in two weeks.  haven't gained though, so that's something.

no gym today

i had to skip my super workout today because i just feel so crappy, and i really want to feel well enough to teach my class tomorrow.  i'm really upset about it (like, gonna cry upset) - i can't believe i'm on the verge of tears for missing the gym, that is so ridiculous.  i'm sitting here on the couch freaking out that i'm going to get fat!  i need to take my medication with food, so it's not like i can fast....even thought i'm not hungry at all!!  i don't want to be anywhere near food, but if i don't eat with my medicine i'll puke my brains out.

ugh this sucks.  but i will teach tomorrow, no matter what.  i can't not work out tomorrow or i'll be heavier on monday than i was on friday and that is not allowed anymore.

i feel like everytime i get in a groove something happens to fuck it up.  god damn it.

sick

i feel like shit.  head cold, sore throat.  not eating is not a problem today.

i fucking hate food

why is it on my mind all the fucking time??  Especially when i'm frustrated at work....all i want to do is go find something to eat, when i can't stand being at my desk for a moment longer.  of course, once i get to the kitchen area i don't want to eat anything, so i just end up wearing a hole in the carpet wandering back and forth like an idiot.

but i'm at 750 today...it's Wednesday so i didn't want to go over 500 :( and i can't get to the gym.  i'll use my kettleball later and do some strength training though, so hopefully that will help the anxiety a bit.

i'm already having serious anxiety about Sunday....why oh why does this damn football game revolve so fucking much about food!?

ugh.  i hate Glee.  i can't wait for that show to go off the air.

Monday

845 calories today, plus i taught a class.  good day - hoping so bad for a loss tomorrow, i need the confidence boost.

Did my three hours at the gym yesterday - two classes and weight lifting. I also did about a mile on the treadmill, just to see how my legs felt. As is the case every dreary winter, my cabin fever manifests itself through thinking about races i will run this summer. Never mind that i actually hate to run and it bores me to death. I like bragging right, lol. I did a 10 miler last year, so the next distance is the half marathon - 13.1 miles. That is scary as hell. I just don't know if i will be able to do it, physically. I already work out 15 hours a week, and i can't (don't want to) give up anything in my workout schedule, so i'd have to somehow find the energy for 4-5 additional hours of running, more when it gets closer to the race. I think to think i'm superwoman, but even i'm unsure about this.



915 cals yesterday, 548 so far today.

Pissed

Over calories today, and i gained a pound. I am so fucking pissed about it. Had a shitty day at work too. Fuck.

At least tomorrow's Saturday. 3 hour gym workout day.

thursday calories

oatmeal - 320
soup - 200
popcorn - 100
babybel cheese - 50
yogurt and granola - 250

920 for the day - 20 over my goal :( but still pretty close...

i love new plans!

So, i'm focusing in on my current goal to lose ten more pounds.  My ultimate goal is to lose ten more after that to reach a low that i haven't been in my adult life.  i'm may be totally crazy for doing this but i just *need* to know that i can get there.

So, Wednesdays are the only days i don't work out, so this is my super low day:

chicken soup - 300 c
sugar free red bull - 15
coffee - 0
babybel light cheese - 50
popsicle - 50

415 for the day, and i'm done.

i'd really like to be down ten in a month, that's kinda ambitious but i need instant gratification :)

ahhhh...sundays

i just love Sundays...i teach my class in the morning, and am a lazy ass the rest of the day, usually with a nap or two.  i think my husband gets frustrated with me because i never want to do anything or run any errands but i just can't.  i work out so much during the week that my body is just exhausted and i feel like i can't move.  of course i have to go down to the basement (i live on a 2nd floor apt) for about a million loads of laundry, and each trip takes me longer than the last, lol.  but for the most part i am just a bum.

my pushups are coming along nicely though - i'm still on my knees but i'm getting closer to the ground :)

i told my psychMD that i wanted to stop the Ambien, he asked why, and i told him because i was tripping in between taking the med and actually falling asleep.  i don't know if he was playing dumb to make me think or not, but he was like "what's wrong with that?"  he said it's doing its job, i'm taking it under supervision, so if there's a pleasureable side to it why not enjoy it?  i guess i see his point, i have such black and white thinking, but i'm afraid that i'm enjoying it too much, and that that enjoyment is a threat to my sobriety.  like, ok, if i'm ok with this, then what?  maybe a pill here or there for fun?  and then maybe swipe one of my husband's vicodin every so often?  and then back to drinking because, oh well i'm using anyway?  i'm so afraid of ending up back where i started, even if that's at the expense of more black and white thinking.

so. exhausted.

my body is so fucking beat.

between last Thursday and today I have taught eight times.  plus the idiot in me decided to kick my own ass with my new kettlebell last night.  so during class tonight i could barely hold my hands up - not a good thing in a kickboxing class - need to be able to use arms for the "boxing" part.

had therapy today.  i told my therapist i wanted to stop taking the Ambien he put me on last month.  who cares if i can't sleep?  it is making me trip all over the place, and by trip i mean hallucinations, walking into walls, blackouts.  and i'm enjoying it.  it scares me, it makes me miss drinking more, it makes me think how else i can get high.  i need to get it out of my house before i really fuck up my sobriety.

it is so ironic that i am desperate to get it out of my house, because here i sit, less than six feet away from a stockpile of medication that could kill a herd of horses.  it's all leftover medication from when i discontinued various prescriptions.  i haven't touched it in years, but i need it there.  just in case.  which is stupid, if i wanted to OD i could find a million things in the store to OD on (and have OD'd on Aleve and nearly died) but i can't let go of my stockpile. 

my therapist said it would be a step forward in my recovery if i could get rid of it.  but i can't, the very thought of it makes me so anxious.  i'm sure i would be ok and once it was done i'd be like, that wasn't so hard.  but i still can't.

i am beat.

i've taught four classes in the last three days, and have five more to go before bedtime Tuesday.  after i got out of the shower today i had to blow dry my hair with my elbow propped on the counter holding the hair dryer, and my head bent down to meet it, the hair dryer was too heavy, lol.  i think a hot bath is in my future.

i bought a kettlebell today, which i'm pretty psyched about.  although i live at the gym, i don't have much in the way of home fitness equipment.  it'll be great to be able to do some weightlifting even when i'm being lazy watching tv.  i'm so determined to get strong this year.  i'm very fortunate in that my muscles are toned and shaped, but there's not much actual strength there - i'm going to fix that.  but it will have to be on hold until my teaching schedule goes back to normal, right now i couldn't lift a thing even if i wanted to.

i met my goal of weighing less on Monday than last Friday - which makes me soooooo happy!

sometimes this feels just too damn easy.  exercising instead of feeling. absentmindedly fingering my collarbone. calculating numbers upon numbers upon numbers.  i've been doing this for so long it is like second nature, but i will be honest and say sometimes it is still a struggle.

but not now.

tomorrow

ok, here's the plan for tomorrow:

food:

coffee
SF RedBull if i can make it to the store before work
lean cuisine (300)
mini bagel with natural peanut butter (250)

exercise: teach class (-550)

So, hopefully a net of zero!

Made it through my class ok today, but came home and was sooooo tired, so i took a three hour nap.  saw a great number on the scale this morning though so it was totally worth it!!  it might go up in the morning because i had some soy sauce today on my veggies (salt) but i'll be taking a hot bath tonight so maybe not!

well, week one of  2011 is in the books.

so far, so good, i think.  i've worked on my pushups and planks, and worked out M, T, Th, today, and will tomorrow.  i worked out for three hours today, my legs are throbbing and my hamstrings feel supertight.  i hope i don't run out of steam when teaching my class tomorrow, that's always the worst feeling.  i'll be 15 minutes in and feel like i just. can't. go. on.  of course, i do, but will sometimes switch my playlist and do easier music, which really isn't fair to the class.  i always say i won't do it again, but of course i do.  my goal is to start Monday lighter than i was on Friday - that is so hard for me, even though i don't eat much on the weekends, it's still more than during the week so my body is like "helloooooo food and water weight!!  let me hang on to you for awhile!"

has anyone seen any good movies lately?  i have netflix but i can't seem to find anything that looks interesting.  i don't do movies that are really scary or stupid funny.

New year, here we go...

Funny, it's a new year, but i don't really feel any different.  usually i feel inspired, motivated to change things in my life, but it feels like just another day.  In a sense that's all that it really is, but it's nice to have a little perspective on the year that's been and the year to come.

In 2010, i:

1.  Got a new boss and made it through a very stressful year at work
2.  Was sober the entire year
3.  Ended group therapy
4.  Ended individual therapy but started it back up again
5.  Closed my old Diaryland account and opened this one to start fresh :)
6.  Ran my longest distance race ever (10 miles), ran the Warrior Dash (3.5 mi obstacle course) and Race for the Cure, did my first sub-30 min 5K
7.  Worked on my marriage and am still with my husband
8.  Did not increase my credit card debt

My goals for 2011:

1.  Get down to a new low weight.
2.  Eat more protein, at least 50g a day minimum
3.  Be able to do ten pushups from the toes, touching my nose to the ground
4.  Get a better paying job
5.  Pay off old auto loan and credit card with the lowest balance


i'm sure i'll add more, but that's what i'm thinking about right now.